This is going to be a hard poem to write, so please just bear with me
You are part of the reason why I am here, as you helped create me
You created my life inside of your womb which helped shelter me
9 months later and there I was, just a little darling thing, me
As an infant, toddler, child and kid, you told me I was your world;
Little did I know by the time I became a teenager;
Is when I realized that everything you said to me
Was just meaningless words that you just kept throwing at me
I had to grow up fast, quicker than I had intended to, lucky me
Throughout my teenage years, I've had to witness a lot of different things
And it always felt like it would come back on me
Like it was my fault that daddy always hit you, and never me
Like it was my fault that daddy left you, my brother, and me
Like it was my fault that you became;
So depressed you stopped taking care of me, again, lucky me
So depressed that as I got older you started loving me less;
And continuously, and very obviously, started hating me
My teenage years was a time of pure hell for me
I became depressed, so depressed I stopped going to school;
That's when the abuse started to happen, so… viciously
That's around the time when the abuse started getting to me
For it wasn't just the simple, "normal" discipline you see
What started out to be verbal abuse, turned into emotional abuse;
And from emotional abuse, it turned into mental abuse;
And not long after that, unfortunately, the abuse turned physically
Some years go by, and eventually I get taken away from you
At first I was scared, I'll admit. But then I learned what it was like
To be accepted, to be loved, to be wanted, to be needed;
To not feel like a burden, or a problem, or a bump on a log you see
It was starting to feel nice being treated kindly, and differently
But then when I got back home at 17, that's when the real abuse;
Picked up and became so… intentionally, so disgusting, and disturbing
The fact I can even write a poem like this, truly, upsets me
But that's okay, at this point in my life, I grew up and learned how to be..
More free, more outspoken, more bold, more wise, I even have a touch;
Of inner genuinity, now I'm a writer and I'm invested in life and philosophy
I even became a dreamer with a goal to make everything MY reality
I was okay with being an outcast, because I even gained my own dignity
That's when I realized by the time I was 19, I wanted to live differently
I became a woman, at such a young age, I learned how to live, independently; this, in the long run, turned out to help me
It helped build a character I didn't know I even had inside of me
Fast forward some more major years of my life, and now I'm an adult;
A stunning, brilliant, intelligent woman at the age of 33
But the only thing you ever did good for me, was just help create me
I raised myself, I formed my self, so I owe everything I am today, to me
The abuse is still going on, everything is the same;
Just not so much physically, which makes me wonder, and ponder
So many different types of questions, but I'll never get a straight answer;
Because I live in reality, and you're stuck in your own twisted melody
Lucky me, lucky me, lucky me, a feeling of hatred from someone;
Who only had one job to do, and that was to mother me
Which you failed, wholeheartedly and so boldly
When you refused to change how you treat me,
When you refused to even change the way you look at me
Why do you hate me so much? Why do you treat me so cruel?;
If you really didn't want me, then, God forgive me for asking this
But why didn't you just abort me? Or just get rid of me?
I was born into a family that had no business of having me
Demonstrating a childhood, and adulthood of traumatizing memories
All because the ***** donor left, who I used to call daddy
Don't you care how much I needed you, to take care of me?
Don't you care how much I loved you, even though it was never returned?
Don't you care how much this hurts me? Like, seriously?
Lucky me, lucky me, lucky me, to be born to a person;
Who never intentionally, honestly, wanted me
Who jokes from time to time saying I was an accident;
However, Mother, I see through your lies,
I see through your white noise, all those times you ignored my cries
I see how me being around you, causes you to be so mean to me
So when I leave this time, I'm not looking back
You will no longer have the audacity of having tears fall from these eyes
Because everything you ever said to me, was nothing but lies
I'm better off on my own, you made that statement loud and clear
So lucky me, lucky me, lucky me, because this time around
I'm going to be gone for good, for a lifetime, for eternity
Yes, I love you but I don't love how you hurt me and that's why
I'm going to be grown up about this, and completely cut… all ties.
You did this, to not just you, but to our whole family
You'll still have me, but from a very far distance;
Because as much as this kills me to say this;
I no longer can stand you, and you can't stand me.
We've made our beds, now it's time to face reality
I have always loved you, but you never really loved.. me.
Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/15/2025
a little back story about my relationship with my mother
