falling in love
or falling to pieces
i cant tell the difference
anymore

I cast my line and reel in my bait
I cast my line and it's a snake
I cast my line, a reprobate
How much longer till I break

Patience is not a lesson I care for
I like waiting even less
I say, "that's enough", You say, "there is more"
- I'm breaking, I must confess

Vice on my heart, squeezing out tears
Thoughts are swirling all of my fears
Ripples in the pond spread out from my float
All goes still, there is a lump in my throat

Chin in my hand
Slumped and alone
My pole, unmanned
Heart's monotoned

I have cast in shallow waters
And reeled in dregs
Wandered forbidden corridors
And near lost legs

How much longer must I wander?

I trust You not to tip my boat
Believe You've brought me where I float
You've kept my rod from breaking
But not my hands from aching
It's the catch that I doubt
It's all one endless bout

I'm trying to practice trust
Though my heart's dusted with crust

Fishing, endless fishin'
Waiting on fruition
Fishing, oh, endless fishin'
Perhaps I'll reposition

I am always on the edge of breaking, but I have always so far been able to put myself together. Except that every time I put myself together a small piece of the person I was before is lost. And I am so afraid, afraid of what I will do when I shatter and when I won't be able to put myself back together. That is my biggest fear, that I will do something horrible just because I shattered. That is what terrifies me.

The only time I'm not stressed
Is when I've worked myself past the point of breaking

Being too tired to feel is my comfort zone
I feel so at home in running around
I don't rest while I sleep
Instead to-do lists and unfinished problems are scripted into my dreams
Using the backs of my eyelids as a whiteboard for tomorrow's tasks

I can't tell if this constant state of movement is Newton's Law
Or a feable attempt to be enough--for no one but myself

I second guess each right answer, every step forward
My thoughts get a racetrack in lieu of a bed

I know this isn't normal
So imagine what I'd do to be in the moment I'm living
Instead of the somewhere else I always am

I don't want to follow your footsteps

with my two left feet in my two wrong shoes

If I take a path it's the one I will choose

my steps are my own

and I'll walk for a bit

maybe I'll find some shoes that will fit!