was it your true intentions
to play me like a game
giving me hints and making your moves
walking 'round my walls
making me surrender a little more
with every sweet word

did you really just have the same intentions
as everyone else?

the universal symphony of creaking
chairs echoing with crickets
in the domain of body shaking
each high beam, a passing star
waiting to explode
on steely yellow lines
battles with hard cold
warm air, actually real,
how every story is the same,
with a slightly different
authoritarian directive,
to observe, and sometimes,
harm the feminine cry of *******,
and climb the stair case.

There comes a moment
When you're too restless
For your skin,
For the day,
For the things you have,
And lack.
Too restless to handle the people around you.
When you feel ****** up
But don't really know why
When you're anxious
Regarding one person's feelings
About you
When your insecurities start to drown you
Little by little
Until your breath is gone,
Caught by ocean.
And you find yourself
Unwilling to go in
To a house
Where people lurk,
Waiting to see a smiling face
That you aren't sure you can muster.
And you can't go in
Because tears catch in your eyes
And you gag
When you think of certain things
And your throat is raw from
Holding back
A cry too long.
So you sit
And let yourself cry-
Just a little
In the driveway. In the cold.
Alone.
Which is how you want it
But also how you hate it.

I feel the walls of my mentality breaking down. The defense mechanism has failed. My weakness has been found.

Bombs bombard my frontal lobes. How much time do I have left? That's a question nobody knows.

But the army of stress wages through. Setting fire and killing cells,
torturing them as the army continues to move.

My head throbs with pain, my legs join my arms in what feels like an earthquake; Heart pounds with tremendous force, my body is on a crash course.

The room becomes an amusement park ride. While different moods pass me by. Day after day the symptoms increase. Today may be the day when I accept defeat.

Socializing has become a thing of the past, all I have is panic attacks. Happiness has finally been lost. Without a map, and at what cost?

Control center has been compromised. Here I am, I have met my demise.

Discouraged hearts
Scowl their anger;
Out from the depths
To its summit.

Devouring my whole,
Piercing to the flesh;
Shameful of waiting,
Flow that pool of blood.

Smudged into the white,
Stains like blood;
Lying to the stale,
Lifeless at its root.

Why did you cast me out?
You hypocrite user!
Revenge isn’t my way,
But I know what I’ll do.

Rain on my parade,
It can’t stop me;
As long as the sun’s in its raid,
It’s how it will be.

Two years ago the shower was a refuge.
A place away from my thoughts.
It was relaxing.

But it's become a hell.
The scalding water burns out my cries
And the blades sit neatly on the edge.

Crying in the shower is easy.
Probably because I can't feel exactly how much of my heart is breaking.

I can't feel how much salted sadness is falling from my eyes.
But I feel it in my heart.

I feel heavy.
My knees go weak and I must scramble to the floor.

There I curl up into my scarred body and make marks with razors where your hands used to be.

What the hell have you done?