Don't you want to see me?
Or is it someone else
Do I set my blood free?
Or do I not hurt myself

Don't you think I'm pretty?
I don't think you care
That would be fitting
With a sideways chair

Don't you think I know?
About you and her
You still love her so
I don't think that's fair.

Aren't I the one?
That keeps you up at night?
Or are you so full of guilt
For not treating me right

If I'm a priority.
Then prove it to me
Make me feel love
Instead of making me beg for it.

& 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘀:    

"𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱.

𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘢𝘯𝘥
𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱.

𝘞𝘩𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬
𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸
𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱?

𝘛𝘶𝘳𝘯 𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘭𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘴𝘰
𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯.

𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳?"

     𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘄𝗮𝘀 𝘄𝗿𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗻 𝗮𝗹𝗹 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘀.

The greenery of this place never fooled me
The sky just looks so fake,
the clouds are drawn on.
Im at the park on the swings
I need to feel something in my stomach before I waste away at the young ripe age of 5

Just 8 years later getting fingered on the same slide I was afraid of as a little girl
The wind from the past keeps the swings on the playground moving higher
Doing the things that are bad for me
Just to feel lighter

When I'm 15 I have no place to be
No one and nothing to call home
Not even my body is somewhere I know.  
I pop a xannie for the thrill
Hoping that stranger I messaged will take me away from the godforsaken place

This stupid park that holds me so captive.
Run away can't face what is happening
In my head, I'm already dead
Nothing is real
take a Xanax
I only like doing the things that are bad for me
I only like feelings if they're going to make me bleed
I don't care about the context
Of my universal insignificance, I can't even repent. Sitting here on the floor. Higher than the swings ever brought me.
Crashing harder and harder each time I speak.
I can't get off the swing.

When I was in 1st grade I would jump off the swing set just to feel alive
I got a lot of attention because the other kids thought I could die
Maybe I was lacking some sort of Imbalance chemically in my mind
Because the attention they gave me Was a new type of high

I illicit reactions just so I can feel fine
Blood is in the sink I think I can finally see the light
I want to feel the wind between my arms And lift into the air just one more time
The attention is addicting

Thick eyeliner and a black boobie dress
12 years old and they say I'm not filled out quite yet
I enjoyed the validation the old men gave me
Blood red, pill dead
Just like the pretty cigarette girls on TV said.
stuck in this loveless hole until somebody saves me.
Self destructive, enable the pain
Turn the corner and play their game.
I only want to what's worst for me.

I illicit reactions just to see
The emotionally intense delivery
Oh you should see your face,
And in the frown you gave me.
I'm just a liar now
No one hears my screams
There's blood in the sink and no one is listening

Lower middle class middle school *****, stealing pencil sharpeners every chance I could get
The blood is on my clothes and its not coming off
And I'll still send that old man a picture of my body
As I leek blood, draining it like a hobby.
He ignores my pain to fulfill his selfish pleasures knowing he gets to see a pubescent body with ******* on
I only like doing the things that are bad for me.

I illicit these reactions to keep the attraction
If I'm in control and I know their intentions, they can't hurt me
It can't happen
But there's still blood in the sink
God I'm so tragic
Wouldn't you think?

Violated-
and yet to be vindicated, the pieces of me that have been stolen and never returned, still haunt me when I close my eyes.

Isolated-
from my mind, unable to access and find the proof of my memories that were left behind. The walls I built to keep the pain from finding me, have become the prison that fuels my decay

Only-
fragments remain, a broken mirror scattered on the floor. Seeing myself in parts, dripping blood as I piece myself back together, to never remain as before

Lingering-
in the shadows of my thoughts, I search for solace in silence, but the echoes whisper softly in my ear, spinning in my mind.

Empty-
heart and empty mind, crush the pills and scrape it in a line. Just a release to keep your ghosts away from mine.

Never-
will I be the same.  Each small event had a role to play. Making me sick thinking about their game. The void is deeper than I can explain.

Crashing-
waves of doubt and regret pull me under, suffocating the last remnants of who I thought I was. But in this water, I cannot see. Forcing my eyes shut to avoid the pain of the salt sinking in.

Endings-
are not what I fear. It’s the thought of never having a chance to begin again, the weight of knowing my worth and understanding what safety really is. My heart is violent just like you. My mind unsafe too. Yet i couldn't be violent the way you do.

What a pretty face
One that I long for
One that I could trace
Deep into my pores

What a tired face
With eyes like fire
I send my 1 A embrace
With the lips of a liar

Only in shallow
Do I remark
The many hallows
We used to haunt

Because you were always uncomfortable
My eyes were always red and full
I stared you down like hunter's meat
Lusting over words I couldn't keep

I wonder why your schedule is never clear
Especially because it was last year
So please darling tell me
When did you get so interesting behind my back?

I wonder why you don't talk anymore
Especially with someone so sure
They would spend their life with you
When did you get so unattatched?

I wonder why you don't hold me anymore
Especially when it's the cure
To my anxious pain in my chest
But you say you're doing your best.

I wonder why you don't love me anymore
I wonder why you don't care anymore.
If you get frustrated everytime I am upset,
Then you won't like what happens next.

If I rip apart my skin
Then I would call you
And beg you to tell me
why.