nobody talks about the disappointment
from letting you down
not living up to the excitement

once the mania wears off
and my frequencies begin to lower
i sink back into normalcy

my shine becomes lackluster
like fools gold
my touch only turns your skin green

eventually everyone grows tired of me

i beg pain to breed my pleasure
the thoughts moving around my head
seem to bring out
the inner peace i seek

like the creator’s discovery of jacob’s ladder
my afflictions expose to me
chaos consummating it’s presence
no sense can be made of this

like god
they aggregate my fears
separating each by fallacy

nothing feels better
than feeding each like my pets
like the unconditional love i’ve never had
i promise them i won’t abandon them

in the dead of night
it always feels like
exhilaration
self hate leaves doubtful residue within me
it’s led me to deny god
how could he do such a thing to me
feelings equate the inferno of my past
to the blaze of my home
often thinking about how i did this
it’s my acceptance of less than love
that has created the deadly persona
practiced divination
to find the answers
of my self doubt
the stars say they shine for me
something in me doesn’t believe them
in me
the liar resides
happiness isn’t allowed
he’s dying though
i might be free soon

I open my eyes in a daze,
I see the world in a haze.
I think, How much I dont want to get out of bed,
But I also know, I need to escape my head.

Im spiraling further down this black hole,
My mind is racing,
My chest heavy,
My heart aches.

I see blue, tears forming as they please.
I feel red, fists clench tight as can be.
I wish for black, Make all of this pain dissipate.

Fight.
Hide.
Dont cry.
Smile.

Daily things I need to say to myself.

Maybe today will be the best day of your life.
Tomorrow is a new day when that day fails to bring me joy.

Separation from reality sinks in.
Disassociation begins its nasty progress.
Mania takes over.
Memories slip, as I forget minutes,
       lead by hours,
       days,
       sometimes even weeks.

I need to escape my head.
Before I can leave this bed.

I’m miscellaneous
In the background
Something you wouldn’t notice
Even if it were gone

she plunged her words so deep into my soul i'll never find myself again.
how do you escape the hell you've made yourself into?
trapped in my own home.
no where to turn, no where to hide.
no where is safe from her stone gaze, from the tales of her tongue.

i crave the solace of the blade,
the kiss of the cold metal.
quick, sharp movements
across the savanna of my body.
vintage dress and mangled flesh.
mirror, mirror, what do you see?
"a sinking ship"

Love you! With an exclamation mark; like it’s far away.
Distant with the things I do and the things I say.
Squandering my time; gone with the wind. A decay.
Every day is the same thing on replay.

I’m awake and I’m caked in
a place where I’ve grown.
Where fights became earthquakes,
the same place I call home.

Molehills became mountains,
and the trees became gallows.
My personality weakened,
and all that was left there was shallow.

A proper diagnosis,
That says I’ll be addicted or dead.
It only took a lifetime of neurosis,
And a psychiatric ward bed.

To be molded by your worst traits,
To be malleable by the bad.
To shatter under the worst.
To be battered and sad.