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Hiding. She's
Trying. I keep her
Confined.

Sleeping. She's
Weeping. She screams out her
Cries.

Falling. She's
Calling. There's pain in her
Eyes.

Dormant. She's
Latent. She feels
Paralyzed.

Shifting. She's
Drifting. But I keep her
Inside.

Uneasy. She's
Queasy. Yet I
Minimize.

Refracted. She's
Lasted. She cant be
Denied.

Bleeding. She's
Seeking. To be
Recognized.

Unwitting. I'm
Splitting. I say my
Goodbyes.

Heating. It's
Fleeting. My old peace of
Mind.

Conquered. I'm
Anchored. I'm treading
Neck-high.

Drowning. Heart
Pounding. My sight going
Blind.

Vehement. Not
Present. I am losing my
Pride.

Engaging. I'm
Raging. She's loud from
Inside.

Neurotic. I'm
seasick. From pain left
Behind.

Messy. We're
Heavy. There's blood on our
Lies.

Damage. I
Manage. This fall from up
High.

Numbness. Crave
Oneness. This banal state,
Mine.

Transgressing. Keep
shedding. And I'll find her
Smile.

Uplifting. Deep
Thinking. I tame what is
Wild.

           Releasing and healing
                     My own inner-child.

      
☼ Mica Light
Sometimes she comes gently. Sometimes she comes with force.

Vehement: marked by extreme intensity of emotions or convictions; inclined to react violently; fervid
Banal: obvious and dull; repeated too often; overfamiliar through overuse
Splitting: a commonly used defense mechanism for people with BPD that is done subconsciously in an attempt to protect against intense negative feelings such as loneliness, abandonment and isolation; sees in 'black and white'; no 'grey area'
CallMeVenus Nov 2021
My identity is
both water
and oil


                    It does not stick


Sometimes if i pour it in a bottle and shake really well,
for a few moments
I pretend that the SMALLER i get
oli bubbles to be,
the more blended it looks

I shake and I shake
But separation always comes back
The ground is always trembling.
Bound to break beneath me.

A constant storm is brewing.
Don't know when it could release.

My body seeking safety.
There is no where to go.

The energy within me
is shaking, screaming "no".

Pressure from the inside out.
Skin bursting at the seams.

No wonder I am overwhelmed,
If this is how it's always been.

Mica Light
When there's nothing to do, no where to be, nothing I truly need... Why is that such a hard state for me to be?
In the morning
The sky
Is so beautiful.
The wind
sways the trees
And urges me
to dance.
The sun's rays
Shine with clarity
And the birds' songs
Invite the light.

I am at peace.

So.. I can be.

But,

Sometimes...

Swiftly...

Do you hear it?
There's a whispering...
Don't listen.
It's a trap.
There's no way.
There's no chance.

There it is again,
That fear.
The storm -
Here it comes.
Buckle down.
Id better hide.
Quick, try.
Before it sweeps
Me up too high...

But it's got my mind.
It's here.
Strong and loud,
This time.
And not slowly, but
Instantly, It
Sweeps,
Me,
Up.

I am thrown in.
I am lost within
A black space
With no boundary.
I can't find the edge.
And I've forgotten,
How,
To function.

I scream.
I collapse.
I cry.
I destroy.
I despise
Every bit
of myself.
And, still
I can't find
The way out of here.

The storm -
It thrusts
And sways.
Unsettles
And circulates.
Until it
Can no longer
Keep up
With demands.

The perpetual motion
Slows down,
And the winds
Begin to calm.
But the black
Smokey fog
Doesn't leave...

The dust
begins to settle
On top packages
Of self doubt,
Shame,
Guilt,
And worthlessness.

Then without warning
Gravity pulls me
Back
Into my body.
And in silence,
I am left,
Sifting through
What remains of me...
Shattered sorrow
Tired eyes, and
No light that I can see.

...

I am so angry
Because
The sky
Was so beautiful today.
And so was I.
But I wasn't bigger
Than the storm.

Not this time.

• Mica Light •
This poem reflects how my morning can go into a complete hell so quickly, I dont know how I even got there.
Cerasium Sep 2021
My mind has been tormenting me
Constant thoughts of self doubt
Such ill contempt for myself
And it seems to only get worse

I’m trying desperately to push back
But with each day it grows stronger
Pushing me back into a corner
Making me feel small and weak

There are times where I’d win
There are times when it’s a draw
But times like these hurt so bad
Because I’m losing a battle with myself

Sometimes it goes so far
As to make me cry in misery
Begging for my thoughts to be wrong
Hoping and praying that I’ll be okay

Other times it causes me to go numb
To not be able to feel at all
Those are the times I fear the most
It’s when I become the most self sabotaging

I don’t want my brain to win
I can’t let these thoughts cloud my mind
But the harder I fight
The stronger they seem to become

And what hurts the most
Is my past traumas
Becoming worse and worse
Making me lose my ability to trust again

Over the last few years
I have found out that even actions
Are not to be trusted
Much like someone’s word

I’m trying to hard to correct that mindset
To learn to trust again
But the more I try
The harder it gets

I met someone new a few months ago
Someone I really care for and love
But because of my past
My head is evil

Making me question everything I do
Making me question the faith I have for him
All these sabotaging thoughts
And I fight them off everyday

I wish someone told me that dating
After serious trauma is inflicted
Would be harder than anything
Especially with how bad mine was

Maybe I could have prepared myself better
Or tried harder to correct my issue with trust
Maybe I could have healed my pain
So my mind wouldn’t push me away

Because this pain is so much worse
Than the trauma I endured
So much worse than the suffering
I dealt with afterwards

Far worse than the death of a loved one
I feel alone in my suffering
Surrounded by mockery
Silently crying to myself

I don’t know if I’ll be able to win this battle
Not by myself at least
But who do you turn to
When you can’t even trust yourself
Cerasium Sep 2021
Going about the day
Like there’s nothing wrong
Smiling and laughing
Like nothing is going on

Playing games
Hanging out with friends
All bubbly and happy looking
Like nothing is wrong

But under the surface
Ready to burst
Fearing the moment
It boils over

Putting on a fake smile
To hide the tears
Threatening to burst
Without a moments notice

You put on masks everyday
To hide the pain
You wish to not share
In fear of being a burden

Silently hoping
That you keep it together
So you don’t get called attention seeker
Drama queen or a burden

Holding onto that pain
It steadily gets worse
Thoughts race
Mind goes dark

Demons stir and awaken
Shadows twist and warp
Causing panic and fear
Is it real or just your head

Too afraid to ask
Too afraid to speak out
Too afraid to ask for help
Too afraid to push it away

Too afraid to run
Too afraid to cry
Too afraid of being judged
Too afraid of everything

Now hiding alone in the dark
Staying away from everyone else
Hammering your skull
Hoping to beat them out

Breaking down
Silently screaming
Eyes shut tight
Tears running down your face

You break down
Wishing everything was different
That your mental state was normal
Not so tattered and broken

Knees to forehead
Squeezing your legs tighter into you
Hoping the pressure will help
Tears now running down your legs

There a knock at the door
And you switch everything off
Clean up your face and smile
All in a few seconds

Just another mask
Put on daily
In a never ending cycle
Of constant torment
feelings rush through
veins of red—
pulsating,
plotting,
yearning.
a breath,
a word,
a touch,
a kiss—
one ***** now
the world is red.
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