when I was 18
i was invincible

i didn’t care about people
so didn't fault them for not
caring about me

i turned 22
my invincibility strengthened
through the connections and admiration
i received

then i met you

and i exchanged my invincibility for vulnerability

do we see each other as friends, lovers
or something more?

it doesn't matter
as the Leap Year came and set the precedent
for a violent new year

it seems i’m not invincible any more.

I always wonder what people are thinking,
What they’re feeling, what their hearts are sinking into.
I’ve always been imaginative,
Creating worlds where kindness grew.

Once, I made up friends from dreams,
In magical places stitched at the seams.
Worlds full of people who cared for me,
Where love was simple, pure, and free.

Now, I have those friends—I really do!
But it feels unreal, like it can’t be true.
Me? With friends? It’s hard to believe,
When my soul still aches, unable to relieve.

The pain inside, it doesn’t fade,
A silent shadow, always stayed.
So I use my imagination now,
To wonder about others, to figure out how—

How they think, how they feel, how they hurt,
I try to lift them from the dirt.
To help them see their future shine,
To imagine a joy brighter than mine.

I tell myself it’s selfless care,
But deep inside, I’m so aware.
I’m not just helping them—I know,
I’m trying to fill the hole in my soul.

I might be getting over you,
I’m not exactly sure.
The ache feels lighter, less true,
But still, I had fun loving you.

I’ll miss the butterflies you’d bring,
The rush each time you came into view.
Even in the hurt and stinging,
I had fun loving you.

Your eyes, like a secret I couldn’t share,
Held a warmth I thought I knew.
Even though it led nowhere,
I had fun loving you.

Maybe someday I’ll meet someone new,
Someone better for me, someone true.
But even when my heart feels brand-new,
I’ll still miss you—I had fun loving you.

Being just friends is fine with me,
It’s better than losing you.
No romance, just familiarity,
And still, I had fun loving you.

We were young, unsteady, and lost,
Two hearts too naive to follow through.
Still, even at the cost,
I had fun loving you.

Now it’s time to let you go,
To leave behind what never grew.
But I’ll always quietly know,
I had fun loving you.

I see us 6 months ago.
The smiles the banter too and fro.
The way you smiled oh how it glowed,
The way i saw your feelings grow.
But now it is others whom from love flows,
And they look like us ... 6 months ago

When I wake cold
With frostbitten lips and shaky hands
Crooked fingers
Petal-pink knuckles
The shadows speak to me softly

They talk of the moon and the lights that outshine her
Every twinkling star that dances across the hills
Each speck of gold and white filled with laughter
The red and blue that swim among them
Adorned in raindrops and scarlet flowers

They talk of the view from the tallest edifice
The way the ocean waves lap against the shoreline
The people that drift by
Gleeful and dejected

The warm yellow hue of the sky before dawn
Every beast that nestles in the earth
Each glow that dims before bed

They grasp at my skin
Wrapping around my silhouette
“Please,” they murmur
“Don’t forget to turn the lights out”

Neon moments in life,
Flickering like amber shades.
Like dancing shadows on beige walls.
Transient memories of life,
Slipping like sand from fingers.
When you exit the movie hall after watching an exhilarating movie,
Feeling that your life has changed.
Your last day of school.
You were crying,
screaming and throwing up.
Or watching the stars glow from an urban rooftop,
the cars and people below moving like ants,
Citylights that  outshine the skies.
Walking home alone late at night through the suburbs, rethinking your life choices.
The first time your mother held your hand and cried.
The first time you smoked with your friends
secretly in the woods, feeling guilty later on.
Getting ready for the  farewell party of your  high school,
Your sister was doing your makeup.
The first time they painted your lips
With beautiful brush strokes, you were covered in sin.
I know while reading these words,
you all feel breathless.
As if the images are moving too fast
On a projector screen.
But that's life.
Nostalgia that lingers on,
It's fingers choking with a sweet melody.

I’ll always remember the warm breaths of sunlight,
Dripping like honey over
Your mother’s dying plants in glass bottles on the windowsill
Of the kitchen where you wrapped your arms around my waist
My hand holding a silicone spatula, navigating
An egg on a pan. Sizzling, each hiss a whisper into
The room, telling us to hold on tighter to this moment.

I really don’t like eggs, I reasoned with you

You tell me these are perfect, that you
Make them just right. i wonder if you remember
Teaching me to cook them just over medium
The whites are cooked and the centre’s still soft
How do you flip an egg quick enough that it
Won't slip, but slow enough that the yolk won’t break.

How do you end a soul tie quick enough that
One of us won’t die, but slow enough that it won’t haunt me

It haunts me.

And i still make my eggs the same way,
no sunlight
Freckling our skin because i stand here alone
I still feel the phantoms of your hands on me, the scraping
Screeching noise of a metal spatula
The ghost of your cologne on my collar.
But I get it just right too. I can do it without you, and it’s better
I tell myself
But i know it’s not the same.

I wonder one day
When i meet someone who gets me just right
Who is better for me than you were
Will I make his eggs over medium? Or will my eyes dart
And fingers twitch
Searching for the best way to
Run away quick enough that
I won’t watch him cry, but slow enough that
He won’t haunt me

The same way you do.