Of course you don’t understand.
You don’t have to.
This doesn’t affect you.
Burdens inside me, rarely seen or heard.
Often alone.
Writing suicide manifestos every other night
Feeling bright when I forget the weight that I carry.
Destruction behind me wherever I go.
The weight of my family’s misfortune in tow.
Blame myself, hate myself.
Never really had the ability to show what is real for me.
Difficult to please, ducking and dodging reality.
Everything to nothing.
Memories I can’t bury. No hand to hold
Maybe my purpose is just this.
Can’t change the past, only learn from it
And let it grow old.

Welcome to my headspace
Please leave your expectations at the door
Disordered psyche, impulsivity and indecision have branded me a wh*re
I want to be much then more
Humming,sighing, everything’s a bore. Screaming, crying, slumped on the floor.
Everything’s too much. Life and love are not enough.
The fist that’s beating the hope out of me is my own neurotic instability.
Insecurity, emotionally and financially draining me.
Return me to the sea where I have always belonged.
No longer defined by my wrongs,
Or the wrongs that have been done unto me.
Rather entangled with an indescribable longing
To be strong, independent, comfortable.
For the ability to know that where I am is where I belong.
Lost in breathing moments.
I exist I exist I exist

There are days when my emotions
are a small gear being turned
in my brain by a small man
with quick ideas and a sole
purpose to manufacture
he goes away when
rage comes to stay,
the only true connection to
my nervous system
the most familiar face
I finally spoke to it out loud
I never learned love
without pain or sacrifice

I picture the small man
going on vacations
these days I feel
and feel and feel
I am convinced this is the
true nature of how
my brains favorite number is 2
always loving both extremes
boys who are mean and
girls that just do not need me
as much
as men need me
to be sweet and fill their shoes
all shoulder and still
nothing to cry on

we meet for the first time over and over
I never left, I sit
watching movies about us on
every park bench we claimed
something about capturing a moment
before it was gone
a quote from this film that would
rock me to sleep
a soft ******/****** assault lullaby
but in between scenes of pain
she is just inbetween
twirling through the surrealism
in ethereal fields, these truly are
The Lovely Bones
before I can remember
I remember
I've been eager to heal
like her
only women and
my mary jane
can make me feel anything
it is no coincidence my favorite color has been green
since birth because
I cannot accept coincidences
instead cling to my superpower
as if its not just a defense mechanism
but as if I have not moved whole houses on my own
I refuse to believe either side
of anything

Mania dances around my head teasing me into thinking I’m happy , when mania is near your uncontrollable laughter consumes my sadness , your thoughts consume mine as we become one, you love attention and you do anything to get it, a soft whisper in my ear and a shove from behind forcing me to live out your life, my anxiety is racing with uncertainty from the uncomfortable situations you put me in , and as my mind races to figure out how to stop it , you slowly bring me back to earth again , reminding me that you are me and I am you, as you slowly fade away , waiting for another day, the sadness sinks back in, wishing I had your confidence and wishing I had your silly personality, my dark room calls me away from freedom of mania , reaching for the orange pill bottle ,lithium stares into my eyes with a glimmer telling me everything will be all right as I shut my eyes.

It’s funny really
How I know the names of my poisons
Most people never know what they drank
Until it’s too late
But I take mine with food twice a day
Maybe that means I’m mad

Insomnia + Mania = Paranoia

i am tired.
tired of life, i guess.
every day seems to drag on, page by page.
i am slowly withering away.
i don't even pretend anymore, because pretending is exhausting
and i don't have the energy.
i think i want to die but really, i just want to live again.
i am worried about myself.
i am worried about where i am going.
i just need help.
i just need someone..

i am tired.
and i wish it would just go away.