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Armand-DeamoJC Sep 2020
On the floor again
Unconscious again
I'm screaming for help again
Dad's working again
You have no memory again
The neighbors took us to the hospital again
Everyone knows your bipolar now
Everyone thinks my mom's crazy
She's not. Why do I have to fight to convince myself she's not.
Mom why do you give up?
Mom what's wrong!?
Mom is it us?
Mom is it dad?
Mom what happened?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO LIVE?
The beeping monitor disturbed my thoughts
And there you were again
Yourself, with eyes wide open
And a weak body once more
Being told what you did to *yourself
My mother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 9 years ago. I found this in one of my books I used to read beside her bed. She takes her meds these days, but my whole life I thought it was my birth or the way my sister and I treat each other that triggered her, but it was her own childhood of being beated and *****
Chelsea Rae Sep 2020
I don't understand why I keep filling the void with the things that are supposed to make me happy but I'm just not.

How? Why?

I have every reason to be grateful.
I have everything I could probably ever need now but there's a void and I can't figure out what I'm so **** ******* sad about. So empty for.

I dive deep into my being, into my heart and mind and I can't find it.

The hunger that resides in me.

Is it human?

Is that why we are basically parasites on this planet?

Constantly taking but never giving.

Where the actual **** do I belong?

Where is my home?

Where do I go?

What should I do?

No one is here to tell me now.
No one is here to tell me how.
No one is ******* here.
I literally have no ******* idea what the **** I'm doing.
Gracie Sep 2020
Alterations in perception
Leads to involuntary self-deception
Is this a dream
Is this reality
What if I am really dead
My sanity's hanging by a thread
I miss having clarity
Being able to differentiate
Am I lucid
Or delusive
I miss being able to truly say
I had a good day
At this point I'm not sure what I know to be true
I just know that I'm tired of trying to push through
And if anybody can hear me
Please help me understand
I'm lonely and scared
Can someone please
just hold my hand?
Only way I can describe my derealization
Brian Hoffman Sep 2020
So shut off the lights and close your eyes
The demons come crawling in
Their creeping deep inside
These shallow thoughts now becoming so vivid during the eerie nights
It’s definitely not alright
Can’t seem to escape them or break the chains they display in your mind
Constantly battling the urge to feel the pain their causing you inside
It’s taking such a toll on one’s daily life  
Missing the bright crystal blue skies in the days we often felt alive
Moods constantly changing like the seasons and in our heads their telling us “trust it’ll be fine”
Can’t seem to shake them in the darkest of times
Can’t seem to break them out of the chains that they live shackling inside
Getting tired and restless it’s becoming so hectic
Don’t sleep well most nights
Should we just slip and let them rip us alive?

-Brian Hoffman (9-13-20)
Pete Elliot Sep 2020
Fury inside of me, violently stroking a pen through false dichotomies of villain and prodigy,
Where class struggles and geography were born to condone these widening,
Of differences that are perceived through a lens like anthropology,
Looking inwards for a piece of psychology,
To make sensible the sense of war you feel the need to throttle me,
Like a bottleneck your choking on your own hypocrisy,
Check your bags at the door before you try to lie to me,
A quiet rage of poetically dividing,
Your point of view and fake news while I exponentially feel like retiring,
My bad attitude and obligatory use of admiring,
Because the algorithm created feels as dated as a psychosis that is now expiring,
Waking up now feeling like saying pick up the mirror because the microscope won’t buy you anything,
Except a nervous apprehension for information from anyone who’s hiring,
A battle of thought provoked a new wave of gospel which won’t bow or take a holiday,
I can’t go back to the hospital or who I was, I’m tired of banging my head on the wall today.
Psychosis is powerful. It comes and goes. I try to make the best with life and change the idea that I am not strong enough to handle challenges with mental illness
Vellichor Sep 2020
When I fall in love with you
Will you fall in love with me
Will you stay through thick and thin
Or will you leave me when you see

The smile vanish from my face
On those dark depressing nights
When laughter is replaced with tears
Will you flee the sorry sight

When you see me take my pills
Will it scare you off too much
Will the white lines on my wrist
Rob me of your tender touch

When I start to talk your ear off
While I’m in a manic craze
Will you stop and listen
Or dismiss it as a phase

And when the darkness scares me
Will you hold me till it passes
When my life goes up in flames
Will you pull me from the ashes

I’ll tell you I’m a wreck
And all you’ll get from me is pain
Will you agree with me and tell me
How much of you I drain

Or will you look at me and say
You’ve seen all there is to see
And say the words I yearn to hear
That you still love me
Piper Calvey Sep 2020
I always tried to explain.
"I'm sick"
"I'm sorry"
"I'm trying"

But she doesn't know. How would she? She knows boybands and finger hearts and working just hard enough.

That's not her fault (its really not) but it's easier to be angry, indignant than whatever I really am.

Her words and hate and the ever-present ether wrap around me and I can't tear them off so I go for the shirt (this is what my mother would later use as my benchmark for crazy) and the sound of tiny threads coming through tiny loops lasts a joyous second and I can breath and I am gone.

I am back and I remember that the words and hate and doom are still there and now with them is a symbol of just how wrong my self is.

I sit motionless but I'm running.

I kept the carcass for months. In a corner out of sight, to be seen but only by the trained eye.
Some days it was scolding but some days it was proof, a purple heart, a trophy of battles lost.

Some days I miss it. In my mind it's hanging from the rafters (not in the dead way).  It's the retired jersey of an athlete who in the end wasn't very good but oh she tried to be.
Piper Calvey Sep 2020
I don't know how to tell them.

I don't know if I should.

Why do I want to?

So they'll cry for me? So they'll be kind? So they wont be afraid? So they will be? Do I want to warn or reassure? Convince or condemn? To tell them 'thanks' and 'how dare you' and 'please don't leave' but also 'I might'.

Is it selfish? Is it brave?

Does it matter?
Piper Calvey Sep 2020
abrupt start
sort of head rush?
lump in throat
tingling, almost like leg falling asleep
but pleasant
moves slow and deliberate
sometimes gets stuck, pauses in thighs and upper arms

like drinking ginger ale on and air plane
Carolina Sep 2020
I open my eyes in a daze,
I see the world in a haze.
I think, How much I dont want to get out of bed,
But I also know, I need to escape my head.

Im spiraling further down this black hole,
My mind is racing,
My chest heavy,
My heart aches.

I see blue, tears forming as they please.
I feel red, fists clench tight as can be.
I wish for black, Make all of this pain dissipate.

Fight.
Hide.
Dont cry.
Smile.

Daily things I need to say to myself.

Maybe today will be the best day of your life.
Tomorrow is a new day when that day fails to bring me joy.

Separation from reality sinks in.
Disassociation begins its nasty progress.
Mania takes over.
Memories slip, as I forget minutes,
       lead by hours,
       days,
       sometimes even weeks.

I need to escape my head.
Before I can leave this bed.
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