i’m happy again
not the happiest
but
happy
i can look at myself in
the mirror and smile
smile
because i’m okay with who i am
i appreciate the beauty i’ve been given
i look at my flaws
and don’t want to change them
they make me who i am
i’m able to be sad
without the consent feeling
overwhelming me
making me feel like i am
drowning in my everyday emotions
i can be with people
i don’t need to ask for
assurance that i’m loved
over and over again
until i drive them away
i can breath
breath in
breath out
only the fresh air
tinted with the smell of the ocean
and my fruity perfume that
i’ve been wearing since i lost her
her
i can think of her
and thank her
for coming into my life
even though she left so soon
i can be happy that i got a part of her
i don’t have to cover my scars
the scars that i made
the ones that people couldn’t look at
they show what wars i’ve fought with myself
but they are fading
and i’m still standing strong
stronger than ever
i can appreciate the life i was given
even though i was a mistake
you can make something great out of one
and my parents didn’t get to
stay around to see me grow up
but my mom did
and she would tell the whole **** world
and i’m the greatest mistake
that was ever made

What words can work when you’re under pressure? and
What tongue can speak that my mind cannot utter? and
What will I be mute to and what might I mutter?
Don’t you ever wonder? and Don’t you ever think? and
Don’t you ever wish just what could have been?
Or whatever?
But what can I say? Hey, I’ve been better

This Sunday’s got me homesick but yet I’ve been home since last week
You reminded me of myself and of what might come to be
But I cannot judge because he’s just like me, a forgery
Don’t you ever wonder? and Don’t you ever think? and
Don’t you ever wish just what could have been?
Or something other?
But what can I say? Hey, I’ve been better

To see you here in person couldn’t be worse than not at all
I’d love to write a letter but you know no one does that as much, am I wrong?
Wishing we could see each other and wasn’t a young man’s brother, gained or lost
Don’t you ever wonder? and Don’t you ever think? and
Don’t you ever wish just what could have been?
And nothing lesser?
But what can I say? Hey, I’ve been better

Let’s go back to the old days where we could make each other laugh
Older now, but in our twenties, how long was that supposed to last?
Not much to look forward to except for looking up or looking back
Don’t you ever wonder? and Don’t you ever think? and
Don’t you ever wish just what could have been?
Or maybe never?
But what can I say? Hey, I’ve been better

What words can work when you’re under pressure? and
What tongue can speak that my mind cannot utter? and
What will I be mute to and what might I mutter?
Don’t you ever wonder? and Don’t you ever think? and
Don’t you ever wish just what could have been?
Or whatever?
But what can I say? Hey, I’ve been better

healing is a non-stop growth
so painful
so fruitful

a gift to yourself
you give by suffering
you give by a choice

a gift like no other
a gift for eternity
a gift no one can ****** away

there is no end to it
only levels and levels
of a stronger version

the day you embrace it
it leaves you
like everyone

maybe that is indeed for the better

four in the morning, the trees are breathing and i'm in sync.
took me forever to start liking the side of my face but i'm doing it.
the glow and the light that i see in my peripheral is a sign, it all feels like signs and this path i'm paving is mine.
the sun hasn't come up but i smell the morning air, it's a mix of grass and nostalgia and safety.
it's my mom waking me and my sisters up to go to my grandmas,
it's church camp,
it's garage sales and littlest pet shop and monster high and bratz.
took me forever to start just Being and Living but i'm doing it.
i've always liked the silence before we begin again, before we're born again.

you’ll find
someone
who’s ****
****
and who’s
hair doesn’t
get
in the
way
maybe
she’ll play
drums as well
or
maybe not

someone
who won’t
have
an ugly
laugh
bigger ****
nicer
eyes
lips
maybe she
will
be easier to
talk to
better
to
kiss
provide company
to your cigarette
maybe she’ll
understand
you
the way I
do
but if
she won’t
then at least
she’ll have a
nicer
****