you're in my life
everywhere i go.
it's like you've been
permanently placed --
as if someone
put you there
to stay
forever.

and i hate
that i can't escape you.
you hurt me.
so why are you
still everywhere
i go?..

you only ever call --
when she doesn't answer
to your pleas.
i pick up anyway,
just to hear
a voice --
one that won't
choose me.

you were always
something oceanic --
pulling,
never touching,
loud
but somehow
without sound.

i had never learnt
how to swim,
but i waded into you
like i wouldn’t drown.
even though i couldn't swim.
i waded anyway,
like softness
could save me.

you had looked at me
like a wave
right before it breaks --
beautiful
confident
but too full
of something
it cannot hold.

i should’ve known.
even low tides leave salt.
even still,
quiet, gentle water
it pulls you under
if you stay too long.
especially if you stay too long.

but gosh,
you were just so --
blue.
and i was so incredibly
willing,
to just let you in
to let myself drown,
slowly losing myself.

you kissed me once --
you were drunk,
and it was once,
just once --
and then laughed like it was nothing
but your hand lingered
just half a second too long.
half a second.

you held my secrets
like folded contracts,
terms tucked
into your quiet,
and sneaky glances
like maybe
you were hoping,
and praying that i wouldn't read them.
or try to.

i should've known.
love was never in bold.
it was small,
curved quietly into the margin
of every almost we had pretended
didn't matter to us,
to me,
to anyone,
at all.

now you hold her hand
in public.
and i hold
all the things
you never said --
only highlighted,
neon yellow,
and in hindsight.

i should've read the terms,
the conditions,
the fine print.
should've known.

You blame me for this but we both know the truth
You can't handle that I'm not solely interested in you
You want me to idolise you, while never moving forward
You want me to despite you, can't handle what's important
Always right? Yeah, I'm so tired and spent, we would be a train wreck
And now I'm sitting here doubting, every single thing you've ever said
Your projection is palpable, it has its own pulse, do you actually believe it?
Do you gaslight yourself too? In your bubble of delusional deciet when
I'd have helped you leave it. Nevermind then, I hope you learn from this
I hope you don't dismiss the pain, I hope you understand all I ever did
Was too soothe your ache. I miss you, but you said this is for the best
Not for the reasons you stated though, we both know that's the test
We both know, you'll lie to yourself, but your heart will confess
However, you'll "bury that mess" on my day no less. I guess,
I always knew, this would have it's end. I hope someday when
You've reflected, when I've collected my self respect
You'll actually be able to be that "friend"
Without blurring boundaries like they don't exist for a reason,
I'll just keep this car wreck active, so my veins keep bleedin'

All the best in love and life ❤️

I took my first wrong turn
when I took you so for granted,
I was so relieved to wake up next to you.
I’m so used to making my world burn,
or making sure that it stays slanted,
perhaps I should stop writing in red and start with blue.

You want to know what was my worst mistake,
it was watching your heart break
to prevent a fracture of my own.
I need to stop doing things only for my sake;
can’t eat and have my own cake,
each day is just a loan.

I see colours from and around you
but I always paint shades of grey,
we can argue that the pictures beautiful all the same.
Analyze shadows, shades and each hue,
we can always find a sun ray;
we’ve perfected it into our own type of game.

You want to know what was my worst regret,
was making your eyes turn wet
to keep my own dry.
I’d place all I own left on a bet
that it’s something we both won’t forget,
I wish that was a lie.

I committed my worst crime
based upon my biggest sin,
you’re so faithful; truth is I don’t deserve you.
“This won’t happen a second time,
I’d rather trade off my soul and my skin
spend the rest of my life held together with tape and glue.”

You want to know what was my worst mistake,
it was watching your heart break
to prevent a fracture of my own.
Share consequences from the choices I make,
it causes me to burn and ache
right down to the bone.

i keep telling myself it’s not a big deal
people fall in love
people drift apart
but it wasn’t supposed to be them
not the two people i trusted
not the two faces i looked at
and thought,
“they’ll never do that to me”

funny how betrayal doesn’t come with sirens
no alarms
just small silences
a skipped message
a weird glance
a laugh that didn’t include me this time

and i wonder—
when did they first look at each other like that?
was it while i was talking?
was it during one of those nights
i was pouring my heart out to her
and he was just… there?

she knew
they both knew
and still they smiled at me
still asked how i was
like they weren’t already
pulling the knife out of my back
to see how deep it went

i don’t even feel anger right now
just emptiness
like i’m standing outside my own life
watching it fold in on itself
quiet
unimportant

maybe this is what it means to be forgotten
not in absence
but in plain sight
to be looked at
and not seen

i keep thinking i’ll cry
but my body must’ve decided
it’s not worth the water

and maybe it’s right
maybe i’m just a chapter
they skipped through
a placeholder
until they figured out what they really wanted

but god
why did what they wanted
have to be
each other?

Holy Gabriel evil Michael
*** calling kettle black
Thieves of righteousness
With demonized hands.

Holy Uriel evil Raphael
Birds of the same feather
Father condemning son
Innocent criminal criminalizing Innocent.

Holy David evil Uriah
Evil Sheba holy Bethsheba
One lost a husband the other had none
****** Mary turned Angel Katherina.

Holy Satan evil God.
They're always right and you're wrong always
Satan judging demons for a pie
Friend selling friends for money and unquenchable greed.