I never could not love you
All the hours and minutes
every precious moment
again with You I would do

To hold you as I held you
as my lover and best friend
A true love now shattered
yet still affection
that never ends

My prayers are incessant
for the you that now is lost
I hope you will remember
and think back
to what then was

Think of Us always when
We were still yet young
A Love We shared together
that forever is
forever real

I never could not love you
and I suppose
I never will

So when you get to Heaven
and you see that
I'm not there

Remember
I could never
not love You
the way You were
even in the
depths of all Hell.

-R.

(10.14.16)
-LA

-4MAR

We give our weight to the ancient decay of this familial brick building
the blades of our razor shoulders just barely grazing it
all as a part of our clever façade of ice cold leaned back sunglasses on our heads attitude
cool radiating off of the sparse, tattered patches in our jeans
the walls still warm from the sweltering July heat
the moon watching us quietly, red in the face
the night still simmering in seventy degrees
smelling of dust and trash cans and our extra-large cerulean slushies.
She sets down her roller skates to divulge the little treasure she had been hiding in her pocket.
Do you want to try one? My mom let me have a pack.
In this uncertain instance, I decide that cool is greater than safe,
as I chew my lip and dart my head around every corner
to ensure that disapproval isn’t lurking somewhere in the dark.
I gradually slip one out of its snug packet with a shaky embrace
twirl it between my fingers as I watch her light one on fire
uttering and stuttering: are you sure we should be doing this?
attentive to the way the tiny embers glow and dance off the tip each time she flicks it with her chipped nails
the smoke turning pink from the neon sign that flashes above our heads
and I’m not sure if I’m sick with anxiety or sick with chemical vapor
as we cough until our stomachs are empty
and the street in front of our feet become drenched in blue.

We would both end up watering our roots just to see how far they could grow
how many miles they would stretch even from the dry dirt of our little Southern street
then drown them so that they would rot and forgetting would be easier.
She would end up in Washington state
where she would wear out her bright yellow rainboots
and I would end up surfing the wind of the Midwest
and we wondered how we could have gotten here
how our miniscule seeds could have blossomed into trees big enough to cast shadows.
After adulthood had kept us apart at more than an arm’s length for a few weeks
she would call me on the phone at one a.m.:
I think I found the one
her voice fluctuating like the sound waves of a child finding their first Easter egg
I would kick my feet up choking on my laughter and letting my tears have free range like we were twelve again
when we would sing our own rendition of “Chapel of Love” in Mrs. Peters’ class everyday
our biggest worry then would be tying our satin bows in our hair just right.
We would talk until dawn
until we would drift off into the dark of sleep
the white noise of the other end of the line still breathing into our ears
dreaming of pixie sticks.

The sound of her body collapses onto the floor
as if she forgot how to fly
waking both of her parents as one treks the speed of God up the stairs
and she wishes the fall would have snapped her neck
that the flush of death washed over a face didn’t have to look so gruesome.
Before she could re-tie the noose into its perfect donut with slick and hurried fingers
her dad flings the door open and you’d think he left a hole in the wall
or a hole in her chest in the way he says
what the **** do you think you’re doing free-falling along with the thick saliva
foaming from his lips that were swollen with sleep
although he hasn’t slept since.
The first time she did it, she apologized
but this time she was only sorry for unstable ladders.  

At recess that day
I drew lilies on my hand with her sparkly pen and I realized later that I had lost it
as if it had grown shovels for arms and buried itself at the bottom of the sandbox.
I shriveled up my tiny face and spewed tears all over my dress,
I hadn’t known a greater tragedy,
but she said she liked the lilies on my hand better than her pen anyway
as the ink bled and into sweat and faded into something watered-down pink and abstract
she wrapped a medicinal arm around my shoulder and told me it was okay
that everything was going to be okay.

"Once upon a time, I knew you.
I knew your quirks and comebacks,
Your fears and failures.
I knew when you were sad before you did
And how to cheer you up (cheesy jokes and vanilla ice cream).
I knew which Dum-Dum flavor was your favorite,
And the ritual you'd perform before a game.
I knew how you acted just before you broke up
With yet another girlfriend that you deemed wasn't The One.
But now... I hardly know you at all.
I suppose we've become like strangers.
Wandering and tip-toeing around each other,
Not sure how to approach and say hello correctly.
But of course, the most obvious question to finally ask
Would be the one that I am terrified of.
The one that's kept me awake at night as I've imagined
Meeting you again.
'How have you been over the years?'
A simple question. But a hard one.
Because I'm terrified of how happy you will tell me you are
Without me."
       *-an excerpt from a book I will never write.

Trip Sitter Poem by Rob Sandman

We’ve all got a friend like this of course,
Istabraq, Seabiscuit the ould warhorse,
Snortin like a whale inhaling at the surface,
Smokes til just lookin’ at them makes your lungs hurt its-
Amazing grace while you’re off your face messed up,
They’re in the corner laughin' - not a hair mussed up,
Not out of place in the place to be,
The opposite in fact a life saver to see,
Always at your back with a friendly shoulder,
A spliff, skins smokes-well timed glass of water

Not immune or a ******- just seasoned,
When you’re lost-beyond all reason,
Lost the end of your sentence?-they’ve got it,
a well tuned part in the heart of the party chaotic,
The calm center of the whirlpool, Deadpool-
Quick with a line, not too cuttin’ but nobodies fool,
trip sitter, designated brain at the sesh,
A little OCD maybe, but  nonetheless,

We’re all thankful with a full tankful
Its gas havin' a laugh knowin' you can bank full-
Confidence in your mates if you trip,

But no mercy with the quips,  quick! zip your lips
If you’re not in full control of the tongue,
They’ll be followin’ the slips and zip down your lungs
You’re a wounded gazelle on the plains and they’ll lunge,
Like a cheetah once you’ve taken the plunge

I’m not talkin of only one person of course,
We all take turns as the tour de force-
goes round
Like a Merry go round sound friends abound
While you’re bewildered the wildebeest takes the crown,
Don’t know about you, but I’m blessed with a few true-
Trip sitters babysitters life fitters diametrically opposed to bullshitters

*Sideplitters with one liners that leave you gaspin’
For air beyond compare got the grasp and flavor
Best savour the moments-they’re all too few ,
Best friends are saviours  who help you pull through,
So lets all give thanks to the big hitters,
Thanks lads and lasses I’m always grateful for me trip sitters!

I found you
I found myself when I found you
I wasn't alone anymore I had you
I was put together there were no more missing pieces
We were the perfect puzzle
Onlookers envied what we had
We had so many crazy memories
memories I haven't yet been able to forget

Then I lost you somewhere
There were fights, disagreements
So our puzzle just broke
We feel apart piece by piece
I tried everything I tried so hard to fix that puzzle
I couldn't accept that the pieces
just didn't fit together anymore

I lost myself
I found you pieces reconnecting with new pieces
My pieces left alone again
Torn
Shattered
Alone in their box

I just want one last look
at the beautiful puzzle we shared
even though it won't help me get over the pain
The pain that has ruled over me for months
I guess I  just can't close the lid to that box

Do you have that person?
You know what person I’m talking about,
The person who is literally your motivation to get up everyday.
The person who will brighten your day when no one else can.
The person who would drop everything to help you.
The person that will make you try new things because they know you better than you do.
I have that person,
We all do,
Some of us haven’t found them yet,
But they’ll be there soon.
They are the only reason we stay alive.

we were two
hands wound
tight as we got
our first tattoos

and last week i
was the arm
stained with
your tears

(the last time i remember
seeing you cry was the
night last summer when i told
you i was planning to die
and you told me it was
selfish but you needed me)

it's not selfish to need
someone its selfish to
think you're strong enough
to make it all alone

you
are
strong
oh you
are so
strong

but sometimes we need
someone to give permission
to let us be weak and i know
that for you i am that someone
and for me you
are that someone

yet i'm sorry that i am
not always so strong

(and now comes the point
in the poem where i feel
guilty for a few stanzas
but we both already know
that part by heart so
this time i'll skip it)

a long time ago you
fell off the face of
the earth and i still
don't exactly know where
you went but there are parts
to every long and somewhat
dark story that eventually
become so hazed over with
dust and grime it's better to
forget them entirely

but i wrote you a letter
and i don't remember
what i wrote and i don't
know if it changed anything

but i know after that
you came back and
i don't know much
but i know maybe

you didn't need me
to have the answers
you just needed me
to be out there somewhere

i can't promise you
perfection or
good advice or
stability or
anything helpful
like that

but that's okay
because i'm human
and i can't promise you
i won't cry but i
promise you i'm not
going anywhere

our relationship
lasts because
it is both
selfish and selfless

(you told me asking
someone having a
panic attack to "breathe
for me" triggers guilt
which causes them to
be willing to do it
for the other person
i know it works because
you've walked me out of
enough panic attacks
and because sometimes
i'm over here staying
alive because i know you
need me to which is probably
selfish for both of us but
it's working so hey)

and staying alive is
the hardest and in the end
most selfish thing
i've ever done but
for you i'll try.

I don't write often, but when I do
I usually find myself thinking of you
This is how you know my words are true
Only I wish you knew

You've been my best friend
And I know you'll be here until the end
Our bonds will not bend
Because you are my godsend

The hours of laughter you've given me
Have given the perfect guarantee
That my heart will always be carefree

Thank you for all you have done
You mean more to me than anyone