i didn't believe it would end like this, nor am i ready for it to end.

the first time i lost you was for a reason out of my control. my parents expected so much out of me, too much, and you were my safe haven and a place of pure solace. you are someone i can call my home.

i don't want to admit that i am the reason for this, but i have to acknowledge that this is my fault. i ****** this up.

you have intrigued me since that first day in december of 2023 and you have not left my mind once since then. no one has ever made me feel as important and as worthy as you have, and no matter what happens, i still want to be someone you call your friend, even if it's on your terms.

i can't even imagine cutting you from my life.

bella, like i said, you have never left my mind. i know you remember when you first finally noticed i had felt the same for you. i didn't know i could feel that way for someone. i didn't know love could feel that strong. it came to the point where i resorted to channeling all of my energy into poetry so i could really express what i felt for you.

i wrote you such a long poem, and i still read it often. it reminds me of everything i have gone through to get to you, especially all of that physical and mental penance over ten long months.

i don't deserve you, really. and after really recalling everything we've been through together, i'm starting to really feel pathetic after this whole thing.

i died for you, bella. and i didn't even tell you. i threw myself off of a bridge, and i wasn't alive for quite a few minutes. if you think that all it was was just a coma, you are deeply mistaken. living without you was hell on earth, and i just couldn't bare knowing you could so easily move on like you didn't even know me. like we didn't even happen.

i left in november because i knew i couldn't keep you.

i knew, internally, i just knew what i had coming, and i knew it wasn't something i should be ******* around with. because not only was i taunting myself, but in a way, i was leading you on even though i knew what i had coming for me. i didn't want you to get your hopes up, thinking that i could stay around, because during that week, i wasn't okay. i didn't want to allow myself to feel, knowing soon i'd have to forget.

i can't say that no one else is worth your time, because it seems like i don't even have time for you.

i don't consider a lot of things as "cheating," bella. at the time, all i did was justify your need for attention from other people, and on a level i understood. i'm practically absent from your life, popping in when it's convenient for me, but if it was so easy for you to do that, shamelessly, honestly, then maybe i'm really not the person for you. no matter how much i try to make it work, it's impossible. i ignored everyone who told me that we could never come back from that, and i brushed it off like it didn't even happen.

if you're into that ****, you should've told me you wanted an open relationship.

and i thought i was doing enough, especially in my situation, but there is no way to make this better, and i've stopped trying to brainstorm solutions.

if this is what you really want, then so be it. but don't you dare say you love me, because that phrase has become so meaningless coming from you. it's started to feel like filler words, like out of habit because that's what we're 'supposed' to say.

you should know by now that i don't use that word lightly. every time i said it to you, i meant it. but seeing those words on my end come out as an apology.

so, bella ? i love you.

the first thing i have to say is stop overthinking just because you see my long paragraph. i adore you, and nothing will change that. i can finally listen to our song without feeling like i might die.

ever since i sent you that first polite little message in like what, december of 2023 (??) i knew i wanted to be someone you called your friend. i would’ve settled for less, even. i just wanted to say i knew you.

we both had the same interests, and i was very intrigued by you, and your persona. you’re someone i wanted to be like. we became friends fairly quickly, too. you never made me feel left out, or neglected, you introduced me to your friends, and welcomed me with open arms. i am so happy i get to call you my friend.

you bring me more comfort than anyone i have ever met, and i often find myself asking “what did i do to deserve you ?” because seriously, i don’t deserve you. i’d do anything for you, because i genuinely love you.

on that note, i can’t exactly remember when i fell in love with you, but ******* i fell hard. it’s like a hazy memory, but when i think of it, it warms me. you are strictly and solely my biggest muse in life and every choice i made in the past year was because “my bella would be proud of me.” you fuel every choice i make because you are the foreshadow. you determine whether or not i wake up that day and go to sleep every night for 377 days. and i’m still counting, for some reason.

i wrote you the epic poem, the longest one i’ve ever written in my whole poetry career and you own it. you own me. every single line in that poem goes to you and i leave it in the purest and most authentic way because that is genuinely how i felt in that moment, and about you.

you are the girl i live for.

to this day, you still continue to be the girl i write for, because i’ve never met an angel quite like you, my dear. and i don’t want to be rash, seeing as i’ve only been back for hmm, less than a week ?

i don’t ever want to make you wait, (even though i do, and i have) but i’m someone who is so connected with my emotions that i will push away every person. i don’t know why i leave. but i guess i always feel a little better when i can feel what i feel alone.

i’m sorry i left so suddenly in november. you deserved better.

i cannot control my emotions. they’re so strong, and so connected to me that i’ve almost never felt numb in my life. living without you is like hell on earth and knowing it most likely will happen again fears me. i fear to lose you. i spent the whole year, trying to get closure by looking for other people. then i realized i was only searching for you. it only made me long for you more. i keep you to myself because no one else should be worth your time but me. although, i just don’t want to waste your time. i don’t want to feel then have to forget.

i am extremely possessive over you, even if i don’t show it. i knew you from afar the whole year. i see you, and i love you. i don’t like being jealous, but you make it so hard. especially when you talk about other girls, or your exes. you are too good for everyone. you’re mine, and i want to officiate that.

so with that being said, bella– i’d like you to be my girlfriend. seriously.

she sometimes views herself a burden
but in reality she is part of my ever-evolving serenity.

imagery of the sun invokes heat, brightness,
positivity-- the moon is cast aside.
but in her blue-green eyes, I see the tides pulled by sincerity and pride in tandem.
bella luna pequeña.

coffee mugs, chocolate milk, Bob's Burgers, black cat, canned soup, Civilization, peace.
her rhythm matches mine and blesses me.
we aren't perfect, but who gives a ****?
i will be the sun.

In the solace of lavender-flickering
Fairy lights that guide
My syllables along,

Silence has never felt so
Concrete.

Silence, on questions I have asked my
Conscious for repetition, and
To hunt for answers
To unwritten dialogue,

And as I contemplate this concept,

The beauty of ringing church bells
Bleeds and creeps
Through my window,

Slicing through the distorted
Avenues and Sulcis of silence
In my mind,
                      To remind me
                                                Of where I am.
Lying in the back of my car,


Keys in the transmission,
Waiting,
                                          ­                        Hoping,
For a new path to explore
In this eclectic figure 8 of
Communication and relationship. I never
Try to make sense of it all,

Until
A faint whisper from a Princess unshackles
My liberating-attempting mind,

A faint whisper, harmonizing with the
Church bells,
Soothingly-caresses my ears,

A faint whisper,
Carrying,
The words.
I’ve.
longed.
To.
hear.






“Come with me this way.”







Hallucination of grace.
An overflowing melting ***
Of desire.





Stillness. Gracious like
A still river. Cercadas sing,
Rocks in awe don’t move.





Until the moment of that faint whisper,
I’ll remain in the spacious jar of silence,
Waiting,
For the Princess’ voices,
While the solace of lavender-flickering
Fairy lights
Guide my syllables along.

One star from the innumerable has fallen
But I will not let it die
The beauty and the memory shall not depart
In mine heart will it dine  
The seed has fallen from the sky
And my tears have watered the ground in which it will root
The soil is fertile now
And everything you have planted in me will surely grow

I know she plays to win
That's how she won me over
I tried to impress her
But she already fell for another

Last year I learned how to let go
But I kept doing it over & over
When do I learn to express myself
Before I forever suppress myself.

I feel
the burn in my chest,
as the sunny dream chops its edges
I run happy warming up in La vita è bella,
while the soles of my feet are burning
into the dark earth. Who cares? only
into the dark earth roots grow,
all lilac is still there at the Moscow Metro, while illusion succumbs to temptation running faster and harder,
the underworld has a life of its own,
a life of greater depth and purity, while
my eyes touch the cold striking murals, and
the book falls on the
Whisper