I keep having dreams that feel like memories
and I can't distinguish the difference between the two
all I know is there's a space between us thicker than the shadows in my room
and I keep tangling my thoughts in search of ways to feel worthy of you
I wonder who you're holding tonight
I wonder whose lips graze yours at 3 am while I'm trying to forget you
most days, I wonder if I could strip goodbye off your tongue and replace it with apologies
as if words could ever be enough to clean the mess we made

the last time we talked I felt the pity in your words
you look at me like you might've broke me, like you're sorry I'm so fragile
but you don't get to think of me as weak
you don't get to look at what we had and think you tore me apart
not when you were the one afraid of it

Between your breath
in my hair
the weaving of sunlight
by the window,
the sky’s audacity to resemble
that of a painted sorcery
violin legs intertwined—
darling, i am
undone.
Stay.
Blow a gentle kiss on my skin,
but forget, I shall not,
that this all but a dream.
Let me lament
a morning dressed
in apology.
Let me toss and turn
to a quiet soliloquy.
What is there to grip
but a ghost
molded by the loneliness
of the night.
What’s it like to be the lonely?
What’s it like to be the night?

The truth is that nobody is owed an apology for anything. Apologies are lovely when they happen. But they change nothing. They do not reverse actions or correct damage. They are merely nice to hear.

you didn’t do anything wrong.
my heart was broken
and instead of sewing it back up,
I was trying to fix it by shoving
puzzle pieces into places they didn’t
belong.
my pain was not on you.
I wish I could go back and love you better.

-an apology

I forget many things
But I have never forgotten
The intensity of your gaze

I am wiser now, more mature
Enough to realize
That you were never to blame

I am the one
Who twisted things

I am the one
Who called you names

I am the one
Who ruined everything

I forget many things
But I will never forget
How I have wronged you

I made you the demon of my past
The starting point of all my anxiety
But really, it all started with me

This is my apology

Emptiness,
Numbness,
Loneliness,

A wave of heat rushes through your heart,
Like electricity through a power surge.
It grabs ahold of your body,
Like a demon possessing your being

Heart pounds,
Harder and harder,
Louder and louder,
Faster and faster,

You’re desperate,
Searching for a way to rid yourself of this feeling,
Anything for a way out.

What did you do that was so wrong?
Why are you so forgiving when it is not reciprocated?

The heat begins scorching your heart,
You feel the aching pain and it overpowers you
You grow darker and darker,
The heat is so powerful it leaves permanent burn marks,
It’s too much to handle,
The darkness must be stopped it before it takes full control.

You finally give in:
I’m Sorry