And I told him, Ivan, don’t shout.
And he did, and he couldn’t hear me;
he was too busy, leaning over the edge,
teetering on the point of immortality—
on the edge, on the edge, on the edge.
He’s still there.

Then, is it okay to cry enough?
Isn’t it okay to keep helping him?
Or am I too stupid to believe—
“Ivan, please stay. Please don’t go”—
that he would stay, even after I’m gone?

Because, I still cried, even when I left him first.
Because I didn’t want to stay to see him leave me,
and is love okay this way?
Is this what love for me supposed to be?
Am I really that naive to have believed its lies?

I left. But I can’t help but feel that I’m the one who lied.

Every feeling drawn from so much depth,
That I have to learn to embrace the deep,
The blackness of the pit with no echo,
The unreachable place from which they creep.

I’ve not been privileged to love shallowly,
Nor unrequited love not quench my soul,
Nor experience of fleeting sadness,
But to love my dark and bottomless hole.

Shall I be better off without darkness?
Feeling love as strong as jealous anguish?
Shall I pray to never feel crushing hurt?
So loving shall be an incomplete wish?

How often rejection brought me despair!
Oh to be hopeful as my hopelessness!
The deep emptiness that ***** down my pain,
Is the same depth from which I can’t love less.

Emptiness do not fill up with healing!
That dark abyss is my space for feeling.

I am an afterthought
A second hand emotion
A distant memory that is just out of reach and leaves you vacant

I am the second lover who can never live up to the the first
A lukewarm cup of coffee that you'll drink but never enjoy

I am chipped in the major places of my heart
But you keep coming back to see if you can fix me

Yet neither of us enjoy my anguish

There was a little moment I had just the other day,
When I felt really low and wanted to disappear,
When I was sprawled across my bed and felt every ounce of pain and anguish,
And thought about how it could all be gone, how If I wanted, I could just erase myself from the world,
And the little cogs in my brain that were currently turning,
And generating a presence would just stop forever,
And I dreamed of it and felt it and with that fell asleep,
And I was gone, momentarily because for that moment sleep symbolised so much more than just resting and waking up,
And when I woke up those cogs started turning slowly and I was back again,
But that moment, the dream, the feeling and the desire stayed with me,
And I always go back to that moment.

**** my hopes and dreams
Empty my heart and fill the void with screams
Lie to me more about what the reason was to leave me
Save the trouble and hold your story
Everything you said was fiction
Yet you hold me accountable for the tragic conviction

Cut out my heart, I never needed it
Lay to waste my love, make it forfeit
Accuse me to cover your tracks
Rip the trust I had for you and show me your soul turned black
Enjoy your new toy, whom I'm sure you'll eventually leave too

Open your trap again to cage another inside
Bring him down for your ride
Reveal to him who you really are
Insist to lie and etch into another this terrible scar
Aim for his happiness as you did to me
Never to satisfy and never to be happy

It is not possible to erase
Those thoughts, that pain
Those tears, that anguish
Each time i touch them
They awaken again
Like fire from a slumber

Let’s dip gently in goodness

In smiles, in God’s glory
In music, in nature
A little bit here
And then some there
Some sweetness
Some love
Some beauty

Dissolving

Moment by moment
The saltiness of tears
Cleansing the anguish
Healing the pain
Drowning in goodness
All darkness and shame

Tears appear once more
Sweet like a smile
Wrapped in inexplicable joy
Our heart blooms
    And offers itself
        At the altar
                Of peace
                        Dancing
                                with love