coexistence: intr.v. to live in peace with another or others despite differences, especially as a matter of policy.

she had a bumper sticker on the back of her car
with the word
made up of differences
that at the time seemed impossible
to be able to live in the
same world
that car was my childhood
even though i never really took
the time to think
about interwoven
ideas until now
when it feels like
values are being torn in half
with a line down the middle
separating
good from good from bad from bad
in greyscale

coexistence seems possible in many things. but as much as i want it to be, i don't think this is one of those things.

and i'm not ready to lose friends over this when i'm not even sure what i believe.

it hurts when you realize
that you aren't a necessity
to someone
that they don't need you
in their life
by their side
to survive
seeing someone that is that part
chameleon
is less horrifying
and more of a let down
because even if you're not there
they'll be fine
because they're your necessity
and you'll scramble around
until you find them
or someone even
on the farthest edge of orbit to cling to
because your cham aches in past loneliness
that no matter how hard you try
is always at the back
of your mind

Clock says 3:34, Friday afternoon
Waiting for the bell, but it rings too soon
My throat's too parched, butterflies in my stomach
I walk out of class, then I take off running
I hear my voice squeaking, I'm sweating bullets
My heartbeat's racing, I tell myself to cool it
Gotta get myself ready, I'm a nervous wreck
As I put myself out there, stick out my neck
I stroll to her locker, think I'm smooth as butter
Catch her bright gaze, involuntarily I shudder
Never done this before, ****'s scared outta me
So I open my mouth
What's it gonna be?
I squeak out the words
"Will you go out with me?"

No response as she turns back to the metal door
Spins the combination, flicks it back once more
The green rectangle swings open toward me
Now I start to wonder, do I have to repeat?
I quickly say her name, catch her nod from behind
I stare dumbfounded, wish I had a better line
Door slams shut, which way's this gonna go?
She spins then replies...
"Maybe. I don't know."

...Uh, wait, huh? What's that supposed to mean?
I just stare in shock, I feel like I'm turning green
I prepared for the yes, I prepared for the no
But after that answer what the hell do I know?
With a flippant little shrug she brushes right past
Says "I'll catch ya later", disappears into the mass
I'm standing alone, fingers nervously tapping
With a singular thought - What the hell just happened?
I didn't get the yes that I hoped for and expected
And she didn't say no, but I feel pretty **** dejected
Did I get rejected? Well, my ego got bruised
I'm bewildered and perplexed, downright confused
I'm frozen, mystified, as my buddies breeze by
One stops on a dime, spins and looks me in the eye
His expectant look asks a silent yes or no
I just give a little shrug...
"Maybe. I don't know."

They pester me with questions on our long walk home
But I'm totally distracted and I let my mind roam
What does Monday hold in store, will I get an answer?
I feel the panic rising so I join the friendly banter
The weekend creeps by, I'm consumed by my thoughts
Exhausted by the wondering, stomach still in knots
Early Monday morning, confidently stroll to school
But before I reach the door I feel like a **** fool
My eyes scan the grounds and I see where she stands
I spot her...
Another guy...
And their interlocked hands

My jaw drops a foot and I suddenly feel sick
Is she ruthlessly cruel or this a mean trick?
Internally I'm fuming nonstop all day
Externally I'm sweating and the world fades away
It feels like each class is progressively hotter
I ask my last teacher to leave to get some water
The class hears her reply and loses all control
Through the laughter comes her answer...

"Maybe. I don't know."

When I feel myself
Beginning to fret
When fear or depression
String me along
The best way to stop it
To jam up the angst
Is to set loose the hands
To break into song

Take note of my thoughts
Tune into my feelings
Pick out a rhythm
And let it ring true
I try but can't quite
Put my finger on why
But my hands 'round this neck
Sure cast out the blues

I believe you held my attention
From the moment our eyes first met
Desiring to emulate and follow you
In your hands, my world was set

An opportunity to help me flourish
By way of your tutelage and guise
I wanted to hold the title, "Daddy's Little Helper"
And witness the pride in those eyes

Your gaze seemed more of disdain than a satisfaction
Making me yearn to keep toeing the line
Always striving to be, just perfect enough
And worthy of anyone's time

When precision becomes routine, expectations are assumed
Leaving no forgiveness for not doing what was told
I did more than my share, freeing others from their burdens
And my childhood got lost within the fold

Lessons were handed out, on both sides of a wall
Built upon fear, stubbornness, and pride
Desperate and broken, I faded away
Creating an impossible divide

As time passed by, you moved on with life
Erasing our troubled memories with something new
That was never my thing, family loyalty was innate
So I choked on but buried deep, my feelings of you

Alienation gave cause, for my contentment in being hopeless
That we would ever, share the same breath of air
But out of nowhere, your heart falls suddenly on a sleeve
Now together, we are healing and attempting to repair

Thanks, Dad...

I may seem okay
But I am not okay
I hide behind a mask until it breaks
This world is insane
I don’t want to be sane

Drowning
No Breath
Push Away
Depressed

Broken
Shattered
Torn
Tattered