i'm not proud to say
i'm 85 lbs
that's not much of a girl
but i remember
when being 85 lbs
was all i ever wanted
when i craved a flat stomach
thin wrists
a gap between my thighs so wide
when i spent my days
filling my belly with water and air
taking lunches to school
but not eating them
instead tossing them in the trash because the smell of fresh fruit
made me sick
when i look in the mirror
i see the ghost and skeleton of a girl
who's in recovery
and i'm disgusted
85 lbs
is not much of a girl
i remember when all i wanted
was to be smaller, smaller
when i was 80 i wanted to be 75
75 wasn't enough so i kept purging til i hit 70
70 wasn't enough
65 wasn't enough
nothing would ever be enough
0 would never be enough
-10 would never be enough
i remember when they forced needles into my papery skin
i remember when 80 was enough for me to keep my life
and i remember
when i decided
i would always be enough

I'm scared of those voices
They scream to hell
They could bring me to death
I can't let them win
But I'm just so tired
So tired of this life
Too tired to fight
I just want to let go
Close my eyes
Take a deep breath
And drift off to a never ending sleep
Cause afterall
Wasn't i born to die?

My mind is a cage
It locks me within
It speaks of doubts and worries
It burns my skin and ****** my veins
My mind is a room
Filled with mirrors
One by one they list my flaws, fat, pale, emo
I tried to run, but I didn't move
My mind is a wonderland
It's a twisted place filled with secrets
My darkest thoughts lurk in the open
My demons ****** the innocent
My mind is my pair of wings
It sets me free and lets me fly
I soar over my problems with ease
My nightmares fade away
My imagination takes me strange places
Would you be willing to follow me there?

Dear legs...
I'm sorry how i've alwYs complained about you not being long or straight enough.
Thank you for still carrying me even though i've hated you with such a passion.

Dear arms
I also wanna tell you sorry, for punching you when i got mad, and also for complain about you being too floppy.
Thank you for still helping me, do everything and for just being there, life would be a lot harder without you.

Dear ****
I'm sorry for all the times i've said you were ugly, you not being round, small or smooth enough.
Thank you for still going along and let me sit on you when i've been tired.

Dear stomach
Sorry for pinching and hitting you whever i was hungr, and sorry for never liking you beacuse you were floppy but i know it's just skin
And that's how you're suppossed to look.
Thank you for telling me when i'm hungry and keeping in all the food i eat, you work like a machine and that must be hard to do!

dear *****
Sorry for always thinking you were too small, i regret everything i've said you've grown nice and round, i'm sorry for complaining so tou had to hurry so much you got stretchmarks
Thank you, for grabbing so much attention, that id sort of funny.

Dear hips
I'm dorry for punching you and complaining avput you being too wide.
Thank you for giving me the hourglassshape every girl long for.

dear skin
I have so much to be sorry for..
I'm sorry for cutting you, and bruising you and burning you, i' so very sorry i have ruined you this much, i'm sorry for letting my emotions out on you, i have made you scarred and i'm sorry about that. Im sorry for also complaining how you were never clean enough
But thank you! For sticking along and holding my body together you're awesome

Dear face
I'm sorry for never liking you and being sad about my eyes not being deep blue or my nose not perfect
Though i thank you for
Letting my friends know who i am

Dear hair
I'm sorry i put you through a lot of heat and dying and all that but hey you're still on my head i bet i would look weird bald so thank you!

Dear body!
Last but not least
I wanna thank you for being so strong and beautifull i wanna thank you for holding on even though i put you through this much

*dear body... I'm sorry.. Thank you

she held up her knife
she's wanted to die, actually for a while
she has harmed herself recently
but keeps it to herself, she's not happy
but no one can tell
it's sick how much a single smile can hide
how you can hide your hurt
from even
the people who love you most
how you can
harm
starve
ruin
yourself
but no one will notice before you're actually dead
she's too sad to fight anymore
she's tried for too long
her energy is used up
she takes her knife to her skin
*i guess this place just wasn't for her..

i sit alone,
but i have never felt lonely.
The times i feel lonely,
is when i'm in a room full of people.
i always smile,
but haven't felt happy in a while.
the times i actually feel happy,
is when i'm actually all alone.
i've always been skinny
but i never felt so,
i always felt fat and disgusting
the only times i didn't,
was when the scale had dropped.

Silently, "I need to tell you something."
I approach. Falter, walk away.

I need to break this bond I have with silence,
This unhealthy affair I have with solitude.

I haven't even the energy to pull the words up from my stomach.
I heave,
Retching out nothing but bile and air.

I have so many things to say,
Passing fruitlessly through the space between my ears.

Speaking of space, that seams to be where I exist.
It's either that, or this is Purgatory.

Hell.
Too much conscience to be clinically depressed,
Too far gone to be "normal",
Nothingness.

"This is what it feels like to be a ghost."
To no one, again.

that girl in the conor
80 lbs of weight
she's beautifully broken
skinny almost dead

that girl in the front
200 lbs of weight
she's happy and giggly
but fat and almost dead

we have me in the middle
100 lbs of weight
i'm neither happyor beautifull
i'm fat, living but not at all alive