Some days suffocating seems easier than breathing.
On those days I can feel the tingle in my toes.
The nots in my stomach.
The ache in my muscles.
The tension in my fist.
I can feel it all.

From the top of my head to the bottom of my feet I ache. Ache for you, for your small whisper. The words that melt me like a candle stick.
Drip by drip I fall.

But just as quickly, my waxy lips learn to breathe again.

play with your teeth on the edge of the fence and
bite down too hard,
smash them in, then smile like
'baby, it doesn't hurt'.

play double dutch with my heart strings.
tie them into a rope then double-
knot it around my throat,
i'll admire your craftsmanship (you're an artist, you know).

to dribble your heart on the pavement wasn't my intention and
****, i have good aim but i was never good at
the follow through.
my hands get unsteady when i have to commit.

twine your fingers together and then press,
press, press down until you're numb or broken or
always, you're always that way.
what's the difference? blame me.

i hurt you and i cry about it.
i didn't mean it.
it's tomorrow. we're young.
we forget.

i warned you what this was before it
even began- or maybe i was a
day too late because i love you.
bells ring. there's clarity. i'm bad.

either way, i'm sorry, Bruce Wayne.
we got too serious,
why so serious? distance and destiny
made me into your ******* Joker.

i crave the taste
of stale cigarettes and beer
cuz it was the taste of your mouth
what happened here?

i long for
the misspelled drunk texts
that once annoyed me
phone buzzes i flinch, reflex.

i ache for
the feeling of your chest
under my head as i fall asleep
only way i could rest

i hunger for
your love
-all to myself
we never should of.

it’s 3 am and i’m still awake
i’m watching the video again
can’t believe how long it’s been
and how far away you are
i still dream about you and wishing
that I was there with you tonight
my heart is aching and my eyes
are tearing up once again
i look back on all the memories
with a smile
but tonight all i can do is cry

*(s.m)

you see,
that’s the problem
with being the strong one
who always offers others
a hand
everyone thinks that you
don’t need a hand and
they think you have lots
of surplus energy and no
worries

*(s.m)

I feel so restless
Since i have no place that feels like home
This house is filled with demons
I lie awake
My bones aching for you to come back
Left with no more tears to cry
Because you were the only thing
That ever felt like home
And this empty space in my bed
Haunts me like a ghost

I’m not me anymore. I can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t do, can’t be. I am still, and silent, and sad. So achingly, horrifyingly sad. Everything hurts, but nothing hurts at all, because I’m absolutely numb. I curl up and try to keep all of everything inside of me from falling apart. I don’t even want to open my eyes.

Why is winter my kryptonite?

It comes in blankets
Grey blankets that cover the sky
And it churns in blue and black
Like purple bruises painting the sky
I want to cry
But the tears won’t come
So I’m stuck looking out window
Searching for any bit of sun I can see
Only stormy eyes show themselves though
And tears streak cheeks
And if I cry myself to sleep every night
That’s only for me and the stars to know
They twinkle knowingly at me in the dark
And I want to yell at them
Don’t tell a soul
But they ignore me
They tell me I’m sad
And I knew that already
But I only see the stars when my grey blankets are gone