if i could,
i would hold your hand
even if your rings would hurt my fingers

if i could,
i would embrace you
even if your hold would be too tight

if i could,
i would kiss you
even if it would leave a metallic taste in my mouth

and if i could,
i would love you
but.

"Oh honey that's terrible. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I promise I will only take it when I have no other option,"
you said to me when I told you about my mother's addiction to Xanax.
"I love the way you kiss me. Every single kiss is just as passionate as the next,"
you said to me after kissing you for the hundredth time.
"I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want our days to be just like this,"
you said to me as we laid on your bed in our underwear.

"You're going to have to try for me honey, I'm not some 18 year old boy,"
you said to me while I straddled you and kissed your neck.
"Here honey, maybe this will help,"
you said to me as you sent me an article about how to pleasure a man.
"If you're going to start working out, you can't do anything with your upper arms...If you do that then you'll lose weight in your ******* and make them even more lopsided,"
you said to me when I wanted to get in better shape.

"It would have been better if you called me first instead of your friend,"
you said to me when I called you to tell you my grandfather died.
"Why are you leaving? We had plans! Are you breaking up with me?,"
you said to me when I left to be with my family after my grandfather's death.
"Drew, I am going to **** myself. I can't take this anymore. I'm just going to go driving and not come home,"
you said to me after my grandfather's funeral.

"I can't do this anymore. We need to move on and go our separate ways."

"Can we still be friends?,"
you said to me after trying to put up a fight

"Yes"

"Who are you with?,"
you said to me after I didn't answer your call.
"You're on a date aren't you?,"
you said to me once you figured it out.
"We need to talk. Get out of the car and let's walk."
you said to me after waiting in front of my house to get home.

"You were on a date? Are you kidding me? After telling me you want to be alone? What the actual **** Drew?"
you said to me on our walk.
"I hate you,"
you said to me after yelling at me for an hour and a half.
"You're a monster. You are acting like a *****. You know what? No. You're not acting like a *****. You ARE a *****. You're a ******* *****,"
you said to me after telling me that you will never call me a *****.

I want to **** myself. Leave me, please.

"No, I'm not leaving,"*
you said to me as I cried for an hour.
"Its okay, Drew. You need to breathe. You're going to pass out soon you need to relax,"
you said to me as a panic attack settled in.
"Let's go get you some water and Advil,"
you said after the crying and panicking ceased.

"You're a *****."
you said to me after my emotional breakdown.
"Happy New Year's,"
you said as you kissed me when it hit midnight.
"See you tomorrow,"
you said as you left me even more of an emotional disaster than before.

We can try and be friends again but that's it. Nothing more.

"Drew, I am so glad we could be friends again."
you said to me as we tried this one last time.
"I've missed you."
you said as you straddle me in the backseat of your mom's car.
"I love you,"
you said to me as you planted your lips onto mine.

I think we're toxic for each other. I think we should go our separate ways.

"Toxic? TOXIC? Take me back to Michael's. NOW."
you said to me as your face changed to pure anger.
"You're a ******* monster. A *****,"
you said to me as you slammed the car door shut.
"You're a worthless *******. You're a waste of space,"
you said to me as I drove down that dark, windy road.

"No wonder everyone around you has to pop Xanax. No one ever knows what they'll get from you that day. One day its 'I love you' and the next it's, 'you're toxic,'"
you said to me as your voice progressively got louder and louder.
"I'm going to finally **** myself now. Thank you so much, Drew. For finally giving me the chance to do it. And when I do, you better believe I'll be coming back to make your life a living hell."
you said to me as tears distorted my vision.
"I promise I'm going to **** myself. And I keep my promises,"
you said to me as you squeezed my thigh.

You scare me.

"Oh Drew, I am so sorry."
you said to me, your voice quiet and broken.
"I'll take an anger management class. I am so sorry,"
you said to me as tears flooded your eyes.
"I love you see you tomorrow,"
you said to me as you kissed me goodnight.

To love a man that gives you the moon and all of the constellations,
                      this gift, I did not receive.

Instead, I loved a man who could create skies of jade and violet among any area of his choosing with his own bare hands.

To love a man that gives you a bouquet of twelve burgundy roses,
                     this gift, I did not receive.

Instead, I loved a man who could produce a field of golden pansies atop my right cheek with his own fingertips.

To love a man that gives you a kiss beneath a lantern string of lights,
                     this gift, I did not receive.

Instead, I loved a man who could shoot the most colorful of fireworks and streamers from the booming sound of his own voice.

To love a man that gives you a floral path from the door to a candle-lit room,
            this gift, I did not receive.

Instead, I loved a man who could toss a book through the air and before it struck my skin, it would burst into pink rose petals with a clap from
the same bare hands that painted me jade and violet skies.

The silence now pierces my soul
Grieve is a grey mist in the air
Like a funeral with four people
Burying their respective
Broken promises

The way you conquer me
In a bottle of wine
Like I was an object
Made out of clay
So easy to form
Into a doll
Or a ball

You taught me people make mistakes
In the name of love
And how pain feels
When you refuse to kiss the scars
You have made

The way my voice shivers
When I say no
The way my hands shake
Like a paper not finding its way
Back to the novel it belongs to

I keep having dreams
Of finding wounds on my hands
And glass shards
I realize
I do not miss your touch
Printing me to be yours
A property of glass
Everything that you have
Put together in me
Is shattered now
My glass hands
My glass heart

Your voice makes me weep
Because what once was magic to me
Now makes me bleed in despair
Breathing you is poison
Distance was never a hinder
Although now I wish it was

Everyone can see it in my eyes
The crack, the glass
Everyone can see the broken in me
A woman so broken
I bleed shattered glass
And ink

Somehow, you will always smell like home
And I will always lose myself in you
With you, I wrote love poems
And now, sad poems too.