I built sturdy walls
to protect my mind,
and surrounded my
heart with shields

But I broke down
my defense for her
soft touch and
honey-dipped soul

I surrendered,
'cause I’d rather
have her than all
my chipped walls

And so she left

I’ve found that love tears me
like a papercut
sharp enough to draw blood

And I hold a heart
that’s been torn apart,
but it still beats over the
rhythm of your name

Love
is the glowing flame,
and you melt
as it approaches

Listen,
be careful
with that flame,
or it’ll burn you
when that love
starts to sting

They’ll decide to leave you,
and you’ll remain with nothing,
but the fading ashes of that love  

You’ll lose the passing-by warmth
that once visited your frigid heart

So light up a cigarette,
and put out the ongoing fire
inside your chest with smoke

If Summer were not but a season
and instead a man.
I would beckon him closer,
put myself in his hands.
We would walk slow
silent as happiness
and from me, would grow
a terrible sprig of tenderness.
Feel his radiance right up in my bones,
lay under that sweltering shadow.
Only, come Autumn, to feel so alone.

i am afraid of

"what will happen?"

when we say goodbye.

i am afraid of

"how will i feel with this pain?"

i hold inside.

*    *    *

i haven't opened up to
another in so long
i've begun to realize
i'm not as strong
as i thought i've been
through all these years
i should have known
based off all the tears
i've cried for reasons
i have no words to explain
all i want is to
be in control of my brain
emotions make me feel
entirely overwhelmed
my only defense now
is to hide in my own shell
i want to feel better
than how i think of myself
i know it is possible
for me to learn how to help
my own thought process out
of this hole that i've dug
maybe i can start by
holding myself in a hug

There is a puddle
that reminds me of you.
I’ve become such a regular
that its mud has
memorized the contours of my shoes,
right wider than the left,
toes turned out.

I imagine my puddle
listen to me
calling it mine
waits for my eyes
to peek over the weeds
a sweet surprise
for a lonely morning.
I step inside and I smile
and my puddle smiles back.

I keep it company
until the sun sets
and it clings to me,
asking me to stay
a little longer
and I do
until water soaks through my shoes
and my soles begin to blister
and I have to say goodbye

When I sleep dry and clean
wrapped in fleece,
I shiver for your hands
around my sodden ankles
impatient to wake
and sink again.
Drown if I could.

But some mornings
are lonelier than others.
Some mornings,
I stand in the weeds,
because my puddle
waits for eyes
that aren’t mine.
I wonder if tomorrow
I’ll stand in footprints
two sizes bigger,
favoring their heels.

You were wrong about me.
I am no halcyon,
no summer song,
but a wilted rose you picked
with its sharp thorns.

I wasn't a catch.
I am a fire hydrant's glass.
Something constantly left shattered
when it all goes up in smoke.

Now I think I understand
Why you let go of my hand
It wasn't what I thought at all
Looked very deep within my soul
I held on tight to blaming others
I didn't have the needed answers
My heart is beating now so fast
From what I thought forever lost
I sit here, writing my own thoughts
Because I need to put this into words
I stopped the blame, forgave myself
Close this old book, it's on the shelf
I'm not to blame, neither are you
The truth deep down I always knew
Forgive you too, I'll be ok
My smile will come back one day
There's so much I want to do
Small part was shared of that with you
I won't make plans, I'll set a goal
And I will get it on my own
Don't know what's next instored for me
But there's so much out there to see
For now I found the strength to grow
Today's the day I let you go

Darkness;
I am asleep.

I awake slowly, half-heartedly
At a sound you make.

Quiet early exit,
Not wanting me
To wake.

Light
Creeps through
My window.

The sun rests itself awhile
On my wall.
Instant joy,
No longer does my skin crawl.

My eyes light up
When I realise
The sun has graced me
With its company,
And with its light and warmth
Has filled up my cup.

No longer do I want to
Gouge my eyes out,
Pull my hair out,
Throw myself about,
Take medication,
Scream in desperation,
Or go on a permanent 'vacation'.

You could have traced
The smile on my face.

Instead, you left.

I understand,
And honestly,
It's grand.

I just wanted to ask one thing
Before I went back to sleep;

Take my sunlight with you.
But don't take it away from me.

I

my friend
how has fear consumed my lungs
how i dare not open mouth
for i choke years worth of screams
how a body
became so moldable
so willing to feel hands
it just stopped
being
i was created on saturn's ring
my body constricted
my mind an obsession
breathing
living
meat
quickly rising
quickly falling

II

friend dare i say i miss you quite a bit
even though you called me a freak quite a lot
words that are like fists
become set in stone
your mind a raging ocean
and me a human
barely with my head above it.

III

i was once travelling
and on the bus a man was sleeping
and i started looking at man
and oh friend i was fascinated
how when he woke up
he rubbed his eyes
he drank some water
and i started crying
because how human of him
to be thirsty
and to rub the sleep of
and to sleep
i envied him
i wish i could sleep
for quite a while
maybe even forever
maybe... maybe i shoul..
wait where is it
i can't find my body
maybe i left it on that bus
or maybe it's in his house
or maybe it's still in school
maybe even with you friend
i shouldn't be so calm
i shouldn't panic
i hear your smile
''you truly don't care about anything''
where is my body
whereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybodywhereismybody
i hear your smile
''that's what happens when you design things too much''
friend please
stop
help me find it
find me

IV

i saw you in a dream
and you laughed like you were manic
and  naturally i laughed along
i noticed
you had fists for hands
knuckles white squeezing
i couldn't breathe suddenly
laughing turned to sobbing
your hands were red
blood so much blood
covering you
a hole in my shirt
my favorite shirt
heart was gone
you were gone too
screaming didn't help
waking up is not an option
i mean my heart i have to
i need to find it
what are they gonna say when they see the hole
so i run and i run and i see you
in different cheekbones
or brows
mostly eyes and noses
but it is never you
kidnappers are hard to find after the initial hours
and how long was it since i last felt a heartbeat
hours?
has it been months?
or even..years
i'm losing hope
there are still parts to be found
my body
my sick breathing clay
my body
i think it's finally time to

WAKE UP

V

let me look for you one last time.