you were 9 when you heard about depression for the first time
you told yourself “that will never be me
i’m gonna be happy
i’m gonna be free”

then at 10 you started to wonder
why am i so sad?
it made your mom worry
so did your dad

And at 11 you cut for the first time making you wonder
why
why
why it made you feel better
you just wanted to quit but you still did everything you could to hide it

then at 12 you let your mind dwell on the thoughts saying  just end it
it’s all you wanted to do
yet still you didn’t

but at 13 you tried pills for the first time
started with a high and then enough to die

and at 14 you met him
the one you thought saved you
but still you tried and you tried
you tried to fight , to die, sometimes both at the same time

then at 15 you went to therapy saying
“i don’t think this can save me”
but still he encouraged you
he was proud of you

now you’re 16 and he’s not here anymore
the pain left with him, but who’s keeping score?
it took a few years but you’re finally free
just like that 9 year old said you would be

1 life where I never got to know your name
where life went on the same
but everything felt meaningless
Where your presence was lacking

2 where I roam this world, is it flat? Round?
Does it matter if you were never found?
Everyone seems off, nothing makes sense
Everything around me leaves me in suspense

3 Where I was a made man, wealthy and healthy
But I sit alone in my penthouse
My only companion is in the wall a mouse
So better of that without you I fell lesser than

4 where we passed each other, I say hi
where you didn’t care I was Bi
Yet we never made eye contact
You never kept in touch
a friend, yet that’s where it ended

5 I meet you at the cinema, you spilled my popcorn
6 where you were male and I the feme fatale
7 where I cried like hail, where milo was never born

8 where we made it, and we kissed under the sun
But 9, definitively, is where we met
No matter how it went about, we got the true ending
Where you are my Bun, you’re fine, we’re set

To the 9th life, where alternates failed to complete
A future we grab with both hands
To demons we’ll defeat, to quirks the world will never understand
To the 9th try, where we defied fate

Today, 4/9, turned 29;
in '94, 9th hour born;
4 craves stability,
9 thrives on change;

if you believe in
that sort of thing.
But like the dogwood,
its burnt-edge blooms;
the same each spring,
abscission looms.
Roots in the past,
leaves up for the storm
in '94, 9th hour born.

There was a man that sang in rhyme,
Every time he found a dime,
But by the time that he found nine,
He’d forget how to rhyme,
Then go back in time to rhyme,
Until he found another nine.

lucid, iridescent.
A vibrant remedy
to a gray backdrop.
three months felt like six,
and the past four have felt like two.

A pretty blade on my ear, benign,
what a lovely reminder that
the world can be good again--
you just have to shift the angle
to see it shimmer.

Dip me into the flat line,
under the frame,
where the sun sinks,

The longest day of my life suddenly
ends with a twist, turns
out, your venom

burned negative space
in the lid and
let out the damage

you did.