remember how the grass felt
and how our laughs were loud
and how the sunset made everything dark
and how i ran across the street
daring the cars to hit me
because at that moment i felt untouchable
and nothing could hurt me
and everything was perfect
and that was the present and now its the past
and our present doesn't feel like a gift we share but something i suffer by myself

you sit playing your guitar
you strum and the strings make a noise
which makes a line
which makes a verse
which makes a song
which makes me happy

i wish i could take the way songs make me feel and stuff them in my pocket
then whenever i just need an escape they would be there
i would get one, stuff it in my mouth and swallow like a pill
except pills are stupid and these would fill me

my head hurts
i don't know if its from the light from my phone
it probably is let's be honest
or from thinking of you
i think about you a lot though and have never suffered anything more than heartache
so im going to go with the former

i love the smell of salt in my hair
the feel of sun kissing my skin
i love the moon and her friends when they're reflected across the water
i love the sand that never leaves me and the shells that sit patiently in my pocket
waiting for me to admire them
and i love how fast the day goes and how when i run on the beach i think of nothing except of the air that goes in and out of my lungs
and how its impossible that this me
this me with a smile on her face simply because the cold water makes her happy
is the same girl who cries and screams when her body finally can't hold her feelings anymore and she overflows
because how can that girl exist when the ocean is reminding me to breath
the tide pulls in and out

the odds of us being alive are basically zero
so us existing at the same time is pretty extraordinary to me

even though i don't believe in heaven and gods and "everything happens for a reason"
i like the idea that some things are like fate
that they're destined to happen no matter what
that our relationship was so magnificent
that the stars crossed right just for us
and i mean even if fates not real and i just lucked out
just existing at the same time in history at the exact same place as you is amazing

i never noticed how much humans express through touch until it wasn't an option anymore
never realized
that fast hugs because you're nervous i won't reciprocate
and play fighting
and jabs in the ribs after jokes
and tackles in warm cement
your smiling face pressed staring back at mine
and when our hands used to touch on accident
were so important to me until i couldn't do them
ur so close yet so far

i think im scared of love
of handing myself over to someone
of letting them bask in my secrets and knowing me deeply
of someone knowing who i am through and through even though i don't know that yet
so instead i trick them
i give them pieces of myself and make them seem important
i give them insignificant  details so they trust me
i trick myself into thinking that they love me
when all they love is the version of me that i play when i stand in front of them

the moon is my friend
she cradled me in my past life
she handed me to my mother when it was time for a new one
she gave me fruit when i was younger
sometimes she leaves
but she always returns