So here we are at last,
the end of another tired day
sleep lingers heavily atop my eyelids
as I crawl into our bed
snuggling up next to thoughts
of you

wrapping myself up
in the idea of your arms
closing my eyes
awaiting the routine kiss
on the cheek
and your feet
on my feet

but I am here with only thoughts
and we haven't spoken in weeks

At first I didn't believe you were gone
Up until that point death was
about as fictional as once upon
a time
And no one ever actually said the word
Dead
Like it was too hot
not spicy hot

but burning

singeing your lips as you spoke
and if you let it sit there too long
you'd start to think about the smoke
that clouded the impossible
You can't be dead
I was just with you last night
armed with a bottle in my right
hand while my left clutched a bottle of pills
and I watched your lips spill the words
You have so much to live for

And people just look at me
expecting to spout some ******* metaphor
about how death is less like the sunshine
and more like the storm that engulfs you long before you no longer have a pulse

Your mother asked me if you seemed suicidal
And as she screamed when she last saw you
I couldn't bring myself to go about our recital
Where I would shake my head and say
None of this was your fault
But as I looked in the eyes of a mother
who was no longer a mother
I couldn't bring myself to lie

And so I let the silence fill the air like
a thousand butterflies
pressing every square inch of atmosphere
making us all acutely aware about how unfair
it was that we were breathing
And you weren't

I tried not to think about
how much it must have hurt
when your car collapsed in on you
as you made no attempts to skirt
around the blue semi truck
that had no time to try and stop
I bet he couldn't even manage the word
**** before he died
You killed him, too

And I wondered if that was
something that ever occurred to you
                     that you were leaving more
corpses in your wake in your last successful
attempt to take your own life
That your mother hasn't stopped sobbing
and your father hasn't quit asking if there
could have been any stopping you
But I know the truth is
you didn't want us to

I said your name today, out loud
Which is something I haven't been able to
bring myself to do since I found
myself screaming it among the crowd
of people along the highway
They said you died instantly
That nothing prolonged
your suffering and I wondered how
they could have known that

Because they didn't know

that you had been dying all along

When you are here
The quiet feels so soothing
Peaceful
The sounds of a long day filled with laughter, love and storytelling are finally coming to an end
Where we lay our heads down on a bed that feels like the finish line from the race
Of the best day of my life
Tranquil
And when you are gone
The quiet feels so heavy
Overwhelming with thoughts that race through my mind like Olympic sprinters
Chasing down the next conversation I get with you
Filling the silent air with all the things I wish I could tell you now, in this moment
The bed feels different now, each night I lay down in this marathon of missing you
Wishing I could sit with you in silence
Smiling in the darkness as the conversation holds us
The only words we say, I love you, I love you, I love you

Hearing his name pass through her lips was like lighting a quarter stick from both ends and taping it to my chest
And for a moment I remembered that once upon a time you were hers and she was yours
And you shared things like secrets and kisses and even bigger than that - love
And I remembered how one time your heart had beat only for her and my heart didn't beat for anybody because it could barely beat for itself, and suddenly I didn't want to remember anything else ever again

She hates the way she looks
first thing in the morning
and refuses to look in the mirror on her way down
to make coffee

He adores the way she talks
in her sleep, and runs his fingers
along the curves of her cheeks
and believes there is nothing
more beautiful,
more pure,
more innocent
than the way her hair is imperfect,
her skin left untouched and
her eyes when they have yet to see the world
as she turns to face him at six a.m.


She doesn't know that she's beautiful,
He doesn't know he's her world.