I thought I was done,
I thought me hurting over you
had stopped,
that me smiling at him
would cause the flashbacks
to vanish.
They did stop-
until now.
Maybe they came back because
even though we never had
anything
you seemed to be everything,
and you're everywhere.
You're in the songs I hear,
the sarcastic comments I make,
and the lists we created together.
But with each of these things
comes a red flag
that I chose not to see.
Like how every song we sang
is the saddest of them all.
Or maybe it's because I found out
another lie,
another game changer.
That I wasn't the only one
that you kissed,
Not the only one you used that
great line on.
Or walked away from without
a single ******* glance.
You didn't think I'd find out, right?
"Make a mistake or regret one"
The words that haunt me.
The words that played me for
a fool
on that magical night.
Or maybe they came back
for none of these reasons.
Maybe it's because not only
did you throw away
what we could've been,
but our friendship too.
And I loved you.
So I hate you for that.
I hate that I can't even look at you
because it's not even you anymore,
you've become a monster to me,
and you hid him so well.
But most of all I hate that every time
I look at you
I can still hear those words,
those promises,
and taste your lying lips
so perfectly.
Feel your hands touching my back
taking me to where it all began.
Where we began.
Where this began.
But even more I hate
that I have the power.
and the will,
to hate you this deeply,
and for all this,
I hate myself.

1. Don't get angry when you dream about him smiling in slow motion. Do not awaken and sob, because you love his smile more than anything and it will not do for you to bawl when he was just trying to make you happy.

#2. Forgive him when he slips into your bed at night and holds your hand while you're trying to sleep. Don't resent him for leaving his smell all over your sheets, all over your room. You love the way he smells, and it gets cold in the grave. He just misses your warmth.

#3. Breath him in like smoke and let him rest in your lungs. Let him feel the way they expand and contract, because his never will again and he wants to feel it again.

#4. Everytime you close your eyes and see his, smile. Because he's looking at you, watching you. He had beautiful eyes and they were only for you and death, and now he has death but he only needs you.

#5. Do not commit suicide to follow him to the grave. He loves you and he would like to be with you, but he doesn't really want you to die like that, even if he says he does sometimes. He's just thinking out loud. People aren't good at seeing consequences once they have died.

#6. Do not regret not eating a piece of his flesh. It would have made you hate yourself. People would have called you sick. It's okay to have thought about it, they don't understand your grief, the need you have to own a piece of him. But he taps your special knock on the window nightly using the wind. You do not need to consume him to keep him.

#7. Do not resent him for dying. Even if he killed himself. Even if you loved him and he knew it and he did it anyways. Look at the sky and know he's in your rib cage, feeling your breathing and the listening to the beat of your heart. Do not resent him. He doesn't resent you for living.

When your crying on his doorstep
Begging him to let you in because he changed the locks on you, and it didnt make sense to you because he's the one who cheated on you, but you didn't leave him because no one has ever loved you like he did, around this time last year is when you fell in love with him, but this year he ends up leaving you. It's gonna make sense now because I was in your position, I went back to him over and over until i was empty. Until I had nothing left to give and I thought I'd stay with Him I'd get my heart back at least.  It's gonna makes sense now but please don't go back to him, let him be. Because ******* like that never change.