I use different tools to harm myself.
Wrists are my favorite place to cut.
He told me he knows I cut often.
I tried cutting my stomach it’s easier to hide the cuts.
I’m tired of wearing long sleeves in the summer to hide my cuts on my wrist.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
Blood comes out of my wrist.
What a beautiful sight, I could stare at it forever.
I might explore and cut my thighs.
Cut, cut, cut, cut.
I need to buy new razors.
My hidden knife is still in the cabinet it’s hidden behind my shampoo bottle.  
I use the knife and then I take a razor and use that.
Razors hurt more, my wrist itches after I cut.
It stings in the shower, if it rains and I just cut it stings then too.
I wanted to stop, I have been addicted for a while now.
Someday I will cut to deep and it will be all over.
No pills.
All I have to do is hit a vein.

Today…my 6 month SI hiatus came to an end, and the clock had to be reset.

Some nights the pain overwhelms me and I do not know what to do with it. It suffocates me and traps me and I cannot find a way out of it. Nothing feels safe and nothing brings comfort. I shake and cry and try to quiet the angry scared screaming voices inside of me – but I cannot escape the brokenness.

That happened to me this afternoon. I locked myself in the bathroom and at first I tried to talk quietly to those inside as I rocked myself in an effort to soothe them. But it didn’t work and so I tried to call a friend, she didn’t answer. So I tried to call the therapist, he didn’t answer but he did return my call an hour later. In the chaos of my mind I did not hear the phone ring, but I did get a voicemail from him. In his voicemail he said, “ I’m sorry you’re having a rough day. If you feel the need to give me a call back I’ll be in the office until 3:30. I do ask that if you call me back I do want to know not just what the problem is but the things you’re trying to do to at least tolerate whatever’s going on...so we need to have a constructive conversation. If all is alright, that’s fine too - you don’t have to call me back, but if you do, bear that information in mind and we’ll talk later.”

The therapist’s voicemail made me feel like a failure. Obviously he didn’t think I had tried to self-soothe and just expected him to fix everything. I felt angry and ashamed and I did not call him back. I took a razor and I cut myself instead. I cut myself because I could not limit my exposure to the chaos inside my mind. It hurt so bad I tried to cut it out of me. I cut myself because it felt like the only option left for me. My body was shaking so bad I could not escape. I wanted someone to help me calm them, calm myself, but I felt like a failure for reaching out because I couldn’t do it on my own. And I shouldn’t have relied on someone else to help me. And so I cut myself.

And I now I am soo tired. I feel even more ashamed and I really just want to stop breathing – I want it to stop – I am afraid I will cut again because I am now constantly thinking about it. I have broken the seal on the dam.

I marked the calendar with a big red “S” for shame and I started the clock at zero. Six months of SI free is now gone. I touch the scab of shame and I chide myself for giving in, for giving up.  I feel even more ashamed because now I have to face what I did in front of the therapist. I tried, nothing else was working. I was not able to limit my exposure. I was drowning in the poison and I had to cut- and cut big. And now I have to wait for the incision to heal – and hope I haven’t made everything worse.

Thoughts take over
Tears fall down my face
cut
cut
cut
"I'm doing it again, I don't know what to do..help me!"
"Just try to forget about what's bothering you!
cut
cut
cut
"Its not that easy"
"Well stop what you're doing! It doesn't make things better"
"To me it does.."
cut
cut
cut
"I find what you're doing nasty and pointless,just do something to get you're mind off of it. Talk to someone!"
(I'm trying to talk to you but you find what I'm doing nasty..thanks for the help)
cut
cut
cut
"I stopped"
"Good,don't do it again"
I can't promise that..
-te

Do not cut with no reason
Do not cut with pain
Do not cut with no emotion
Do not cut with no blood

Do not cut without a blade
Do not cut with a blunt end
Do not cut with a smile
Do not cut without meaning

Cut when there's a dark room
Cut when it's necessary
Cut when you're alone
Cut when you're in doubt

Cut with sharp ends
Cut with blood
Cut with reason
Cut with meaning

She's only 17 her whole life's ahead of her.
She hates school because the people they discredit her.
Her boyfriend tries to show her that's not how it seems.
But everyday she just gets lowered by her self esteem.
He tries to tell her every night will have a brighter day.
She even tried to over dose and take her life away.
She's feeling hopeless there sitting down beside her bed.
Then he takes his hand and places it beside her head.
He tries to hold her close but with every touch she still resists.
Then he sees the scars that burry deep within her wrists.
She's feeling numb, he starts to beg and plead and ask her why.
She says this way I have control of the pain she feels inside.
He's asking her how long it's been since you've felt this way.
Because you got me and I'm feeling so **** helpless.
She says its been a while I guess I needed better luck.
Then he screams at her and tells her Baby never cut!

Nobody seems to get you, you think you're on your own,
Well listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone.
So baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end,
You may just feel the bade your holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.

The next day she's feeling better than the day before.
Even cracked a couple smiles as she walked the corridor.
But all that seemed to end she dropped her books as she went into class.
And every student in he room just seemed to point and laugh.
She couldn't take it anymore she sent her boy a text.
It said I love you with my body, soul and heart to death.
Te thought nothing typed I love you then he sent it.
By death he didn't know that she had literally just meant it.
She ducked the next class ran straight into the bathroom.
Thought to her self she wouldn't brake her promise that soon.
1 cut... 2 cuts... 3 cuts... 4
The blood just started dripping from the tub to the floor.
Her boyfriend had a feeling in his stomach that he hated.
Followed it and ran down to her house he never waited.
The front door was open, he heard the water running.
He stormed into the bathroom and his heart just started gunning.

Nobody seems to get you, you think you're on your own,
Well listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone.
So baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end,
You may just feel the bade your holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.

He put her arm around his shoulder he's just tranna lean her back up.
Yelling out her name as he lays her beside the bathtub.
He feels his whole world just got hit from an avalanche.
Screaming out so heavily, somebody call an ambulance.
Felling mad angry like somebody led her on to this.
Her eyeballs are rolling, drifting out of consciousness.
Thinking to himself why the hell didn't she just stop at will.
The tears just keep on rolling as they head to the hospital.
Paramedics rush her in, the doctor calls emergency.
She's lost a lot of blood the place looking like a ****** scene.
An hour later, the doc walks in with a sour face.
And says excuse me for the words that I'm about to say.
I'm sorry for your loss, the boy just starts collapsing.
His own world, his own girl just took a crashing.
Saying to himself that it's his fault and that he let it up.
But baby...I thought you promised you would never cut.

Nobody seems to get you, you think you're on your own,
Well listen pretty lady you don't have to be alone.
So baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.
I know your heart is hurting, you think the road has end,
You may just feel the bade your holding is your only friend.
But baby don't cut, baby don't cut.
You can do anything, just promise baby you won't cut.

One cut, two cut, three cut, four.
Cry for a while then cut some more.
Open cut, closed cut, cut scabbed over.
Drink away the pain, then cut again sober.
Old cut, new cut, cut dripping blood.
Drag the blade across and watch as it floods.
Cut on my wrist, cut on my thigh.
wait 'til everyone's asleep,
then cut in the night.
Small cut, big cut, cut too deep.
Sit and watch as it continues to bleed.
Hi cut, bye cut, it keeps bleeding out.
see you later cut. It's all over now.

1 cut, 2 cut, 3 cut, 4. cry for a while then cut some more. open cut, closed cut, cut scabbed over. drink away the pain, then cut again sober. old cut, new cut, cut dripping blood. drag the blade across and watch as it floods. cut on my wrist, cut on my thigh. wait til everyones asleep, then cut in the night. small cut, big cut, cut too deep. sit and watch as it continues to bleed. hi cut, bye cut, it keeps bleeding out. see you later cut, its over now

I can't close my eyes
tears gather.
I can't breathe
the air is stuck.
I can't gulp
my throat is tight.

I try to plant my dream,
but land is
barren

Still, I try.
Even my conscience
mocks me.

And as soon as the door closes
I collapse on the floor
Gasping for air
What is wrong with me?

I am so much
I am too much
Too much everything
Clingy
Intense
Quiet
Loud
And I’m simultaneously somehow
Still not enough