I'm not better
Than you
Than her
Than him
Than them
I'm not better than anyone else

I'm not better
A fact
I don't want
To accept

Imperfect
Jealous
Angry
Sad
Numb
All these emotions
They're mine
But who doesn't feel them?
Are my feelings
Anyone's feelings
Not allowed
Not valid
Anymore?

I act like I'm better
Than you
Than her
Than him
Than them
Better than anyone else
To distract me
From feeling
Like I'm worse
Worse than anyone
Because deep down
I know
That's the truth

I'm the worst

“She’s sleeping til noon every day
With a mood that’s always gray”
Is what her mother says
While rolling her eyes
Piles of laundry,
Countless dishes
In her messy room

But hidden beneath
The laziness her mother sees
Is the reason why she always sleeps
She’s tired.
Tired of living
Tired of fighting
Tired of pretending
Tired of everything

Her mother is wondering
Why there’s always an empty seat
Where her daughter is supposed to be
But she never dares to ask
Just scrapes her daughter’s untouched plate

Then one night
Over a bridge so high
She lets out her final sigh
Before letting go of everything
The only thing that’s left from her
Is a note
A note written by shaking hands
A note soaked in teardrops
A note written to her mother

“Lazy is what you called me.
You never asked why I couldn’t move
You never asked why I was hiding all the time
You never asked why I was so tired all the time
And now you know why.”

Now her mother won’t complain
About a messy room ever again
She doesn’t even dare to enter her daughter’s bedroom
She would give anything
To hear that tired voice
Just once again

Old habits stick
Like I'm covered in glue
It makes me sick
I can't get them off
No matter what I do

They stain my hands
Stick to my skin
They're outside of me
And within

I try to peel
To scrub and change
But healing and growth
Still feels strange

You're holding the rope so tight
Your fingers,
Your palms,
Ripped open
Hurting
Bleeding

Yet you can't let go
You just can't let go
What if you lose?
But what if
What feels like a loss
Is better than winning?
Better than
That long lasting
Dull Ache,
Endless Bleeding

Even if you don't let go
Who says you'll win?
At some point
Your arms give in
You have to let go
Anyway

But what if you let go
Right now?
What if
There's Relief?
What if
You're finally
Able to breathe?

Forget winning
Forget losing

Sometimes
You just have to
Let go

Everyone gets a headache
Once in a while
No one really cares why
It’ll go away soon anyway
Right?

No matter how strong it feels
People always seem to know what heals
“Drink more water,
Get some fresh air
There’s no need to feel despair.”
They say

This headache is different
It doesn’t go away after some hours,
Maybe a few days
It doesn’t go away at all
Headaches like this
They just dim
Over time
Until you get used to it
Or forget
It even exists

I always like to sleep
Because otherwise
I’m tired
And feel so deep
All day
All night

But with you
I’d stay up all night
Until we see the light
Of the sun rising
And it’s surprising
How together
We can stay awake
All day
All night

And I’d do it
Again and again
All over
Every time
For you
All day
All night

I used to knock
She would answer
All around the clock
She never asked
Why I was so late
And with a smile
Opened the gate

Always had space
For the quiet ache
I couldn't erase
We talked for hours
Went for walks at the lake

I wore out
The welcome in
Now I doubt
If I should knock
And if I do
The once open door
Stays locked

It takes one look into your eyes,
and I can tell you're not alright.
The words you don't say aloud
lay heavy on your chest at night.
Every time you cry
I wish I was allowed
to give you a reason why,
a will to live, a will to fight.
I want you to be alright.

t took one look into your eyes
to know you would rise
high into the sky
after you said your last goodbye.

One rainy night
a wolf came by.
Invited itself in.
It came quietly
through the open door,
now it’s laying
on the bedroom floor.

Every rainy night
when I get ready to sleep
the wolf doesn’t howl.
It’s always the same, low growl.

The first rainy nights
I was so scared and couldn’t sleep.
Will it bite me?
Will I still be here tomorrow?
What if it eats me up alive,
and I can’t hide?

After countless rainy nights
I learned to live with it.
The wolf won’t leave.
Maybe the growl isn‘t that bad,
it helps me sleep.
And now I know:
It never bites.
At least I hope it won’t.

Goodbye to me,
an older version of me.
Didn't survive
through the nights,
was guided away by lights.

My body has grown,
my mind did too.
It was time to change,
and that I knew.

Letting go
of fairytales and butterflies,
the endless days
I spent outside.
Used to explore,
learning was joy.
Now it doesn't seem
as fun anymore.