the more i grab for
the more you pull away
the more help i offer
the more disgusted you look
you are breaking my heart
and at the same time
    getting off
           evil
    twisted
or just plain mean
whatever it is you've got
don't give it to me
this is the perfect time
for a thorough hand washing
****
i'm gonna shuck you to the ground
give you a final spit
and walk away

do what you want
without me.

that poor girl
waits & waits
   for someone to save her

her degenerated spine
crackles and moans
as she becomes nearly bent in half
   losing all support
she will soon be spineless
   an invertebrate
all because she didn't have the backbone
to save herself.

i like having you around
   you always have my back
i could steal
   beat
    pillage
     ****
and ******
and i know you'll always be there for me
you're my muse
   my confidant
     my partner in crime
you build me up
push me
with your skewed ideas of nirvana
but i follow
because you know what's right for me
and you will protect me...always
for you are my alter ego
you are the warrior that has captured my mind

       insanity

living in your darkness
gives me an escape
helps me reach my true desires
for i'll always have you
to defend me

my friend.

the joy
has been ripped from her soul
and sold to the highest bidder
she looks on
in bewilderment and shame
collapsing in her lack of strength
crying for someone she wishes
she was
not fighting
for what is rightfully hers
standing alone
in a life
she doesn't want
weakened
by her own sense of self

being cradled
in the arms
of depression.

sometimes i look at myself
and don't recognize who i see
i want so desperately to be something
                   i am not
i try in vain to become that person
                    i admire
i try hard to be good
kind
honest
loving
but those feelings are lost on me
i am filled with so much anger
dislike
unease
and then guilt
it becomes unbearable
my insides boil when the blackness
of these feelings overwhelm me
i become a stranger to myself
and i am filled with loathing
against my weakness.

awakening
i'm holding onto nothing
the harsh reality hits
that my arms
    are empty
how could something
that felt so good
in my dream
become a nightmare
when i awake?

leaving this world
and entering mine
comforts me
like a warm blanket.

salty tears
fall into my glass of wine
offering a foggy sense
of composure.

***** infested words
spew from my fingertips
having been dug
deep
from within my soul
the whiskey
loosens my thoughts
giving false bravado
to what i feel
must be said
there's no love here
none that's lost
the pit of loneliness
broadens
the tender caress
of drunkenness
offers warmth
and companionship
to a once vacant
heart
and i'll swim
in a sea of intoxication
kept afloat
by an imagined life vest
provided
by an alcohol soaked
mind.

i want to shake thoughts of you
like dust from a rug
to follow the breeze
and dissipate
into the sunny air
away from my space
but maybe polluting
another's

that couple in the corner
might be in love
it's hard to tell
she laughs
drunkenly
a bit too loudly
at something
he has said
he considers her
with lust
knowing
if he hits the right note
she is his

******* on a butterscotch
not a care in the world
handing all my problems
to you

my nights are easy
the days fly by
and my dreams
are full of *******

an unblemished mind
gives the best head
to the willing.

there's a drop left in the bottle
and i let it slowly
drip down my throat
closing my eyes
and accepting what little burn
that drop offers
fumbling for the pack of cigarettes
my hands shake slightly
as i light one
   easing back slowly
     breathing in deeply
and enjoying the peace that consumes me
for whatever little time
i have it for

this is heaven.

a broken heart
blames

it urges the brain
   to over analyze
     cut apart
and sort out
pieces of common sense
   until they lie senseless
                and accusatory
dried up and useless
while begging us to make things
right

so we try

we desperately toss about
   pick up
    disinfect
and disregard
we apologize
tamper with
   defile
and desecrate
things we thought
we believed in
just to have another crack

   at love

doesn't matter if it's the wrong love

we only want to hold onto
some kind of love.

is it better to live life
medicated and content
or sober and dispirited?

i understand now
why they call you the sandman
for you have come to me
with such intensity
even the cold hard slap
of the icy ocean
couldn't wash the sleepiness
from my eyes.

you're happy
he's happy
they're happy
so much happiness
to be consumed
but what bothers me

         is

is it truthful?

the green of the earth
has been well fed
weeded
coddled to look perfect
the grass lies even
measured by sight
and given the nod of approval
an empty head
an observant trust
comparisons to what's close
welcome to everyday americana
welcome to every neighborhood, USA
belted khakis
plaid short sleeved shirts
ball caps emblazoned with beloved teams
many digits in the bank
shiny car in the drive
1.2 kids
boasting chocolate covered faces
sticking out drooling tongues
dad's an *******
mom's a lush
but the fine schools accept them
the almighty dollar opens closed doors
"amen' on sundays
work on mondays
"oh, mr. smith" on top of the desk come tuesday
it's the continuation of what was
the non questioning of how it should be
a fat wallet
an obese gut
swollen lips bursting lustful obscenities
cooing lashes welcoming
a sweaty, squeezing grip
on the ***
everytown, USA
yourtown, of these United States
ablast with preversion
bloated with cash

what a sad state of affairs
do we project...

Stephen King Used An 'Animal Farm' Quote To Call Out Donald Trump:

"George Orwell on Trump and Putin, in 1945: '“The creatures outside looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which.”'

the end
so permanent
done, finished, kaput
why can't we continue
why does it have to be over
let's start from the beginning
again
and this time
just once
make it a long time
until the end.

i'm blown away
by the smoke seeping from your eyes
smoldering
is the word i think
when i look deep into you
dark
   shaded
     obscure
alone
but never lonely
   not you
you've reached
   but are unreachable
the distance between
   is perfectly measured
enough to keep
   but not be kept
gliding through life
   vaporous
encircling in a sensual embrace
   then dissipating
at the slightest touch.

what's it like
to believe
with your whole heart
and soul?

to put trust
in your faith
and give to the unknown
to make things right

when bad happens
is it really "gods will"
or do you use that
as an excuse
to your laziness
or naivety

you offer your heart
your time
your money
to something none of us has seen
and revel in the comfort
of the holy spirit

i sometimes wish
i had that kind of faith
and surety...
offering all my misery and woes
to a god i've never met
but knowing
without a doubt
that everything will be
taken care of.

a frozen smile
you are never without
your face carved from putty
that has hardened overnight

you smile at hardship
    disease
          molestation
  brutality
    ignorance
  and pain

just as you smile at purity
   love
         innocence
   and joy

you're forever unchanged
   unhurt
       unfazed
& unemotional

for this is how you've chosen
to face the world
   with a ceramic smile
that can't be touched
leading you to believe
you are invincible.

phrases so easily written
hopeful thoughts put on paper
temporarily convincing my mind
   on what is to be true
but soon after closing down the page
my actions do speak louder
than my words

and that is not a good thing.

candied greetings
topped with syrupy
smiles

sugar coated hugs
coated with the sweetness
of memories long
forgotten

long lost aunts
tossed into the mix
of relatives
eagerly awaiting
acceptance

     the holidays...

a forceful insurgence
of family
that normally
would be
ignored

imagination
is a funny thing
and getting lost in the hallucinatory bliss
of a fantasy
may become ethereal

our minds
are moldable
   & viscous
the formation
directed
by a mere thought

   or thoughts...
that sometimes
consume
envelope
suffocate
inhabit
our very soul

floating through
an imaginary world
keeps us lost
   saves us
protects us
from the harsh reality
of what
really is.

push me into the night
and protect me with darkness
where my dreams can come alive
and bring me to worlds
beyond my imagination

encircle me in fantastic wishes
and fulfilling moments
filled with peace & gratitude
embraced by those who love me.

words melt off the page
from tears
dripping from his eyes
he's trying so, so hard
to express himself
but his grief erases
all his heart has spoken
     she's gone
and the exclamations of longing
that his soul is so desperate to project
are doused by the sorrow he feels
for a love that will not be
   returned.

standing only
   on the bus
being jostled about
   my footing is lost
and i fall into you

   sorry

but turning to look
   and smiling
i know that i am not.

blank stares
of the offended
that plead silently
for mercy
feeds the flame
of the sadistic
allowing continuation
of assault
on the exposed nerve.

watching the petals of a flower
gently following the wind
reaching the highest of highs
somersaulting towards fields of color
before floating softly
towards earth
to create beauty
naturally.

is it all about love
is it all about having someone
to talk to
         hang with
     lean on
are loners professing their happiness
   lying?
looking at the rain feeling peace...
   a facade?
           skidding cars
       moaning cats
        garbage can lids being opened
                    then closed
noticing that...
is it wrong to be so acute to my surroundings?
if someone were here
would these things be less noticeable?
        i like the rain
        i like insignificant outside noises
        i like letting my mind create fairy tales
                                      on what is happening
                                  at any precise moment
                              just because i am aware
but if someone were here...
...if i were in love enough
              to have someone here
would i become less whimsical?

why can't i stay captivated by someone
     longer
why does my interest fade

   starting slowly
      then speeding up and becoming
imperceptible

their voice becomes
blah        blah
        blah        blah
           blah

their face begins to blur
i keep blinking my eyes
to try and bring them back in focus
but it doesn't happen
they melt into the background
   becoming a chair
     the bartop
         a glass of beer
        a door
it's all the same

they're the same

    as everyone else
nothing special anymore

just another boring combination of oxygen, carbon,
hydrogen, nitrogen,
calcium, & phosphorus
(i looked it up, that's 95% of what makes up the human body)

              no more mental stimulation
                          the initial excitement is gone

and i am bored yawn

once again.

i visited my dad
the other day
   my grandparents too

i miss them

the visit...
it brought me
            peace

i felt comfortable
   sitting there
i don't think they get many
visitors
i promised to come
   more often
even if it's only to sit

i think they like that.

my mind is set to blame
   accusations
     finger pointing
      flared anger
and i feed it with a bottle
of...
whatever
to keep it functioning smoothly
   oiled
        greased
  gears shifting noiselessly
with an alert fixed
to cast fault
on whoever may cross my path.

the only hope is time.

as the water washes over me
i see the remains of days
trickle down the drain

friday
   saturday
        sunday

still, i stay hopeful of the day
that will be too viscous
to fade away.

why do i continue
to scrape the cut that's myself
deeper and deeper
each day
knowing that soon
the wound will be too severe
to heal?

at times
i feel i am floating comfortably
on the waves
of insanity.

just looking at you
builds a rage in me i can't understand
i want to slam into you
with words that cause more hurt
than if you were beaten with a club
why do i let you bring out this side of me?
because, honestly,
if i release my fury
i'll end up more wounded than you

the more i watch you
the more sickened i become

the overdone laughter,
the flirtatious looks,
the gentle stroke of your hand
on his arm

makes me want to puke
                         yes, puke

i overhear the lame joke you tell
and i am astonished to see him
overcome with laughter
adding a slap on his knee
for emphasis

who is this man,
and what did you do
with the person i once loved?

he hates
   lame jokes
he hates
   unnecessary exaggeration
he hates
   overrated acts of affection

or does he?

maybe i'm the fool
for thinking he felt the same way
     as i...

...concerning imbeciles
displaying unnatural acts
of silliness
just to impress

...for assuming
he doesn't like
public displays of affection

and yes, maybe i'm the fool
   for thinking he doesn't like to be touched
                 too much

thinking of that now
and looking at you
i guess it's settled then

yes, i am the fool.

whisperings surround me
and i quickly turn
to accuse the guilty
but no one's there

i am alone

but the voices continue
   insistant

   poking
probing
   my brain
confusing me
causing me the added burden
of worrisome thoughts

sleep doesn't save me
for it's much too short

finding solace in prayer
is beyond my beliefs

exposing
expressing
exemplifying
would provoke no response

so i wallow in discontentment,
   sway in disillusionment
utimately collapsing to the ground
with a heavy heart

and...

...before long
i'm forced to accept
that i've been saddled

with a foolish heart.

being bounced around
   while standing still
being pulled this way
                 and that
while holding onto solid ground
the emotional disturbance
is rabid in my brain
taking each cell
                   dividing
       and dissecting
until i'm an experimental mass
of total confusion

that's
how you make me feel.

he cries out
in pain or ecstacy
only he knows
bewildered he looks up
red eyed and sweating
a glance at him sees
dirt crusted, torn clothes
tangled, black hair streaked with grey
open sores
old snot crusts his nose
slowly he pushes himself up
trying to steady himself against a brick wall
when he stands his pants fall slightly
he neither notices or attempts to lift them
people scurry past him
some give disgusted glances
others pretend to not see
he shakily extends a ***** hand
weakly he whispers
'help please'
he's no one's husband
no one's father
no one's son
he is alone
everyday
hoping someone
anyone
will notice him

the will in me is strong
   like a bird building a nest
   like a spider weaving its web
   like a storm heading towards shore.
the love in me is fierce
   like boxers in a ring
   like soldiers fighting a war
   like horses in a race.
the peace in me is shaky
   like a chair with a broken leg
   like a boat in the waves
   like a swing from a tree.
but the will in me is strong.

stopping mid walk
and glancing up at the sky
i wonder
where does this all lead
   to keep pushing on
struggling to get through the days
and not seeing advancement
is disheartening
i cry to the sky
   the universe
to show me something
give me hope
   a reason
to keep moving forward
the loss of friends
   family
   myself
makes this day drearier
than the day before
it all seems so senseless
   ignorant even
to keep going
going and going
continuing the mundane
for nothing

somewhere, somehow
at sometime
there has to be a light
there has to be a reason
to continue this struggle

as of late
my time of contentment
is becoming less and less
i am filled with a grey unease
and bewilderment
that confuses me
my voice of reason
my thoughts of solidness
are there
but unreachable
i need to become grounded
but the strength i have felt in the past
is becoming weakened daily

oh so sad this day became
when realizing
i am losing control.

drifting upon
the waves of hypocrisy
being kept afloat
by the lies i've told
all it takes
is one proven truth
to puncture
the shell of my being
and leave me sinking
towards the bottom
to rest upon
the sands of my betrayal.

for some reason
i always picture myself holding on
   desperately
fingertips lightly touching
       and finally letting go
with me floating away
               up and away
twisting and turning
with arms outstretched

       but no longer seeking to grasp
   or trying to reach out
just thoroughly enjoying
                         the ride.

i give you a sidelong glance
and wonder why
is it your looks
      your body
definitely not your personality
you're mundane
     predictable
       boring even
speaking with you
     i sometimes drift off
often times shake my head
                  baffled
so why are we friends
what do i get out of this exactly
            comradery
    companionship
      someone i can depend on
i don't feel it
maybe i am jealous
     insecure around you
because of your mundane views
      your predictability
     even your boring opinions
maybe it's not you
it's me
i'm the one that tries too hard
i'm the one that always has to be on
and you
you go with the flow
funny thing is
       it seems to be working
for you.

i pass the time
thinking of him
hoping my words
have stuck
hoping the desperation
i'd sometimes shown
wasn't frowned upon
   but accepted
and realized as truthful
for i only want happiness
   peace of mind
     contentment
for him

giving to my child
something i couldn't reach myself
i can live with.