this gnawing ache
eating at me
blurring my vision
blocking out all emotions but
anger
disgust, annoyance, irritation
my mind travels a path in a frenzy
and my composure is pulling away from me
far, far, away
control is just beyond my reach
i am chasing it now
desperate
it is so close i can feel it
i take a long, deep breath
and self control begins to circle me
i close my eyes and start to feel peace
breathing out the fury flows from me
like the white tassels of a dandelion
catching the wind and disappearing
and all is calm once again.

the delusion starts
with the first gasp
of breath
being lead
with promises
false hopes
distorted possibilities
of a good
life
initiated love
sometimes ends
sometimes grows
into resentment
hatred
and the balloon
of life
pops
pieces
fall to the ground
being swept away
by the breath
of mere
existence
struggling
trying
so hard
to start over
looking
yearning
needing
    that first breath
to start clean
untouched
unbiased
unaware
but filled
with endless possibilities
of good
with the mind of an
innocent
who not knows
of bad

yet.

i wish to be buoyant
   like a tree
moving gracefully with the wind
   of my unsettling thoughts
letting the leaves of my worry
   fall to the ground
     dead and soon forgotten
to have buds of newness
spring forth and blossom
   in a natural birth
i'll embrace the calm of the earth
letting the sun hug me with it's warmth
   offering me a fresh start.

i like it that he keeps my mind
   occupied
i like it that he's here
   for now
i like the plans
i dig the compliments
i can't wait for the touch
but there's something nagging at me
   pulling my mind into the realization
that this may just be
another huge disappointment.

a black soul is not evil
it's a pretense
of a pulsing heart
waiting to be exposed.

show me something
give me a reason

answer the questions
that constantly beat
inside my skull
   blinding me
     confusing
       blurring all thought
not knowing
   right
     wrong
       indifference

keep me stable
   solid
on hardened ground

but it's too tough
   this insecurity
knocks me
makes things unbalanced
   doubtful
     unsure
of what is what
who is who
   who is real
where am i safe?

i've gathered myself
into a cocoon of security
if only in my head
but safe
nonetheless...

why is it
that more people are bothered
by my relationship status
then i am?

when i consider my choices
i know i've made the right one.

in a room
full of people
i gaze into eyes
trying to find
the one set
that is real.

i'll catapult my heart
into the universe
hoping the right one
will catch it.

breathing you in
and hoping
it will give me the breath
i need to survive.

that couple in the corner
might be in love
it's hard to tell
she laughs
drunkenly
a bit too loudly
at something
he has said
he considers her
with lust
knowing
if he hits the right note
she is his

don't blame others
for your shortcomings
nor look at them
in contempt
you've chosen your path
are following your planned destiny
and any blame
you feel must be thrown
     should be accepted
by the person you see
in the mirror.

can you bend what i give you
   so that we fit
         like a puzzle
nothing forced
only smoooooth connections
         all the way around
so that the finished product
is one admired by artists
              and lovers
alike?

i desperately willed you
to look my way
just a glance
i thought
for i was sure
        positive
that if you got a good look at me
you would be mine.

being dragged through the mud
by somebody you don't care about
sometimes causes greater pain
then if it were done
by someone you love

hey
when you walk past me
pull my chain
see if i react
if i do
that means you have touched me
not in a good way, mind you
but you have definitely touched me

my mind wanders
when i'm lost
claiming answers
to offer closure
the falseness
i live by
burrows deep
until the unbelievable
becomes believable
the obscure
makes sense
and the me
that i have known
becomes
questionable.

the sky above me
sings in the morning light
pulling me to wake
coaxing me
to try

the burden
of past days
melts
if just a little
with the promise
of a new start

i want to be a part
i crave just a bit
of willingness

the doors i've secured
around me
struggle to be opened
but the stubborn part of me
forms a solid lock
of solitude.

look for me
when you reach
the end of your rainbow

i'll be the one bathing
in melted gold.

i've been cleansed
by the words
of an exceptional
poet.

he's in the dark
shuffling along grim, polluted streets,
head hanging low
the collar of his worn, black jacket pulled up tight
it's raining
the mist cradles him,
seeming to almost carry him along
this is a journey he has both dreaded
and craved
it is a journey with a destination
that claims salvation
but that doesn't make it any easier

the bridge looms in the distance
and he lifts his head to stare at it
hazily
moving closer
it is consuming him, calling him

stopping at the top of the bridge
he looks downward into the dark, choppy waters
examining the distance down
casually he shrugs off his coat, removes his shoes
he takes a deep sigh while looking wearily around him
and slowly nods his head in final approval

gently lifting his leg over the railing he glances down for the last time
the waves below appear to be
beckoning him
promising him peace
encouraging deliverance

opening his arms to accept the deadly hug
he falls.

the emotions
of the day
bounce
bounce
bounce
inside my head
leading me to make
conclusions
that are palpable
slippery
unable to hold
onto
the bizarre thoughts
that consume my head
do
not
make
sense
but to me
at the time
they do
allowing me
to self destruct
and enjoying
every
last
minute
of
it.

not living up to my ideal of perfect
is very disappointing indeed

the moons reflection
is washed ashore
by gentle waves

an empty bench
holds memories
of laughter
   deep thoughts
      and the simple awareness
of living

laughter &
tears
          angry words
influenced hugs
   and drippy exclamations of
love

the ignorance
of knowing
   the knowledge
   of the despicable
and daily motions
held together
by lies

a mind overburdened
but kept unfazed
by consistent doses
of comfort

death brings you
peace
but in it's wake
leaves a cacophony
of grief

a man
a boy, really
has reached out to me
and i've accepted
the friendship
   the commraderie
      the companionship
i've been craving
for far too long

it unsettles me
this friendship

i feel an unnerving
uneasiness
a falseness

but i will accept him
welcome him
embrace him

with all i have

because i feel
the connection

is worth it.

there's a void
in my soul
that i cannot
fill
the harder
i try
the emptier
i become
the emptier
i become
the more vacant
i seem
there is no one
not one
person
who understands
me
who sees
me
for what
who
i am
and it aches
me
knowing
my destiny

is to be
alone.

in my darkest moments
a poem pops
words twirl
in my brain
pushing
throbbing
willing me
to expel
fingers to keys
thoughts exploding
dark
darker
darkest
melodramatic
melancholy
mediocre
th­oughts
based on a
monochromatic
life
that only the
mundane
may find
interesting

or so it seems.

i am holding on
so tightly
to what
i haven't decided yet
just holding on
gives purpose
a reason
something to show
to the other
holders on
see?
i'm like you
i can hold on too
just to be
like you

aren't we all pathetic?

shaken, not stirred
with a twist of lemon
on the rocks

it's that kind of day.

thinking of something perfect
i think of you
   and you
     and you
       and you
and.....

hmmm

i guess i haven't experienced total form of perfection
...yet.

blown torches
roads traveled
crosses bared

sleepless nights
uneasy meetings
shallow hello's

round about ways
wishy washy
ovations
that don't mean a thing

cowardice
that shouts the intent
without speaking a word

any intentional
accident
is seen as
a calculated
delusion.

you make me smile
and that's all that matters
   for now
however long it lasts
isn't important
i'm not going to think about it
i'm just going to enjoy
what you are giving me
at this moment
and that is
   you make me smile.

i'd like to grab a stranger
   from the street
hold them upside down
and shake

just to see what falls out

if anything.

will you go
oh, poet
of poetry
so well written
giving in to
the expectance
of society
declaring love
so marketable
and selling yourself
short
for the honor
of having
a
fat
wallet
?

the rain pings against the drain pipe outside my window
my mind floats in a universe i do not understand
i am feeling guilt i have no control over
i have done no wrong yet i am burdened
the world around me is grey
   am i sick?
     am i tired?
have i really been given a life i can control?
do i really have that much power?
i want to embrace happiness
grey has become tiring
the rain nourishes, promotes birth, allows growth
if i can only accept that

a bright sunday morning
brings the crashing awareness
of the overindulgence
of the night before.

this is an emotionally thick day
in a way that it feels like i am
pushing, digging, burrowing
just to get through it.

i like being alone
but something tells me i shouldn't
i do not want to cave
and become what is expected
which is so far from what i want
the tug of war inside of me
    is exhausting
for when i think i've finally found
       peace
the other half wants normalcy
which is so far from what i want
the sordid looks tell me
     silly isn't good
the grunts and head shaking tells me
   weird isn't accepted
and the admonishment tells me
   i'm really not loved
           or am i
what really worries me, though
   is my own doubt
of what i'm feeling in my heart
           to be true to self.

lying in the darkness
i'm afraid
              and i'm not
i can feel something
                         someone
near me
reaching out to touch me
    gently
     timidly
i close my eyes tight
and wish it, him, her, away
                and they're gone
and i'm alone again
in the darkness
comforted by it
                 but not
waiting
for a touch that may not come
because i've wished it away
one too many times.

empty streets, empty nights
temporary fulfillment
found in laughter and drinks
looking into the faces
of childhood friends
realizing they are strangers to me
and i to them
parting at the end of the night
sharing gripping hugs
and promises to stay in touch
driving home
i'm wondering if they feel as vacant as i do
i'm curious if this limited gathering of acquaintances
was really worth the trouble.

breathing in the energy
of this new day
helps bring me closer
to the happiness
i've been longing for
always

tooling through the day
in a bewildered sense of slap happy being

and i haven't even had a drink yet!

blindsided by the reality
of what almost was...

my dreams bring me to tears
how sad is that
when my awakened hours
do not offer me
enough intense emotion
to produce the cleansing
of a good cry?

...sleep
why have you abandoned me
when i need you most?
i beg for you now
or i will crave you even more
tomorrow
please come to me
  hold me
   comfort me

do this for me tonight
and i promise i will leave you alone
tomorrow.

love
so small a word
so heavy a burden

   give me love
     i want to love

what is this word
           *love
that possesses so many hearts
     that so many ears are longing to hear
     so many arms
                            aching to hold
so many voids
                        waiting to be filled

one word
   one feeling
but the deepest of emotions

people **** for it
beg for it
long for it
loose all common sense for it
   abandon all decency
just to have a taste of it
to hold onto one small fragment of
                     love

an all consuming word
a word that
   once given
can open universal doorways
but once taken away
can deflate
the strongest of the strong.

someone take a bat to my head
and knock out the last of my self pity


please.

you
come to me
with the confusing
solidity
of
confidence.

there's this day
and that
the weeks merge into
months
months into years
i think i'm still the same
i don't feel different
do i look different
to you
do i smell different
then what you're used to
has my body changed
is my mind less than brilliant
do i not amuse you
stimulate
attract
turn on?
let me know
please, let me know
so i could let you know
that this is it
this is what i've been
this is what you know i am
and just because you've grown tired
bemused
uninterested
does not mean
i will change
because changing to suit you
will not suit me.