i've forgotten
what a comforting hug
feels like

my arms are like soldiers
guarding
   protecting
     preventing
even the slightest
touch

a hardness
encircles me
unbendable
   impenetrable
solid

and

   always

      there

i can't remember
tenderness

i'm confused
when kindness is offered

this world
my world
has brought me to this place

and the fight in me
has fizzled.

walking
my mind scrambled
the swirling of my thoughts
make me dizzy
unstable
light headed
i try so hard
to get a grip
but the anxious hand
that grips my heart
is too strong
it squeezes
squeezes
and my breath catches
i stop
to calm myself
close my eyes
breathe in 2...3
out...2...3
and opening my eyes
i am greeted with life
life
life!
LIFE!!

and i decide
at that moment
to live
again.

the joy
has been ripped from her soul
and sold to the highest bidder
she looks on
in bewilderment and shame
collapsing in her lack of strength
crying for someone she wishes
she was
not fighting
for what is rightfully hers
standing alone
in a life
she doesn't want
weakened
by her own sense of self

being cradled
in the arms
of depression.

skip to my lou, my darling
trip on a rock
and smash your head in.

a mind wasted away
memories that no longer exist
imagined stories
   and adventures
fabrication
   not lies
finding comfort
   within a hug
      that never was
knowing people
   you've never met
moving through the days
   on brainwaves of inebriated bliss
      and fantastical pain
meeting, for the first time,
   the face in the mirror
living a different life
                             every day...

blindsided by the reality
of what almost was...

come forward
and enter my life
take the blows
meant for me
wallow in my pain
rejoice in my good fortune
trip over my mistakes
suffocate the uneasiness
i feel at times
take it all away from me
live it
summarize it
then
breathe your findings
into my ear.