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You
You pointed out my flaws
As if I'm not aware of them
Laugh at me when I'm down
Pinning me hard to this muddy ground

My whole life
I wanted you to be happy
I don't know about you
Maybe this makes you happy

I'm crawling, in this muddy ground
Crying, hurting, waiting
For a sound, a hand, a smile
From you
But you didn't come

I've fallen and stood up
For quite a hundred times
Yet you only show up
When I have the spotlight

This isn't a stage drama
You don't have to show off your tears
When people are watching you
And applauding you

There aren't behind the scenes
Because if there were
You could've been part of it
You can't

After some time
I learned one thing
I've been holding on to people
Who have already let me go

I'm trying to stop writing sad poems
Especially if it's because of you
But you always make me want to
Because this is my only way

I see you everyday
Waving like a homecoming queen
At people you probably think
Are on your side

I can't make a statement about you
Not even the bad ones
I don't wanna use my mouth
To say your name
Because my heart's too broken
To even think of you

But here I am
Writing this
Not for you
But about you
If I died today
Would people come to my funeral
Cry like I deserved better
And leave me sweet messages I wouldn't hear
Would my friends miss me
Or would my family put me in their hearts forever

If I died today
Would you come to my wake
Bring me flowers
Remember my days
And pray for me

If I died today
Where do you think would I go
To heaven, a place of eternity
Or to hell, the place I suppose I deserve
I'm 22
An adult I suppose
My age cannot be counted
Without using my 10 fingers thrice
I'm stuck
In a chapter full sorrows
A phase I didn't wish for
Nothing's great
I wake up
Not stressed out with work
But with the never ending
Roller coaster of failures
Sometimes, I can handle it
Mostly, it's killing me
But I'm 22
And I'm supposed to be an adult
Act like one
Live like one
Suffer like one
Because I'm 22
I was supposed to die the other year
I was in a dead end
The flowers withered
My soul stopped dreaming
Most nights I cried
Walked with bad ideas in the morning
Everything stopped
I hated my own heartbeat
Why was it beating so loud
I wanted to shut it off
I was alone and lonely

My parents didn't notice
My friends thought I was crazy
I wasn't crazy, I was lost
I didn't reach out to anyone
I didn't drink
I didn't smoke
I didn't get high
Everything was black
I wanted to scream
But the voices were louder than my thoughts
I could hear death

Scared to go on with my life
Happiness was never a word
It was just pure fantasy
But I gave it a shot
Just one more year
Let's see if I could make it
Just one more year
Try to ignore the voices
I reminded myself
Everyday, just one more year
I was raised by a man with a hammer and nail
My world was all about forests and gardens
Watered by rain and nurtured by sunlight
The carvings made by my father
Were masterpieces worth a thousand of joy
My toys were made of wood
A shiny purple kite he played with me on windy days
A little cart where I stayed most of the day
While staring at the sky, laughing all alone
Those were the days

I was raised by a woman with cloth and needle
She made me beautiful dresses and handkerchiefs
I could smell love and passion everytime I wear them
On special occasions, even on regular days
The curtains she made for our only window
Where she changed the colors, seven times a week
We danced before going to bed
And pretended to be the queen and princess
From a castle far away
Those were the days

I was raised by a man and a woman
Showered with love and rinsed with hope
I was fed with dreams and drank from sweet life
I was taught with lessons one could never learn from school
Read from the books with no prints
But visuals of reality and forgiveness
I was raised by a man and a woman
Who painted the sky with bright colors
They were my fairy and genie
Who filled my entire life with magic

I was raised by a man and woman
Who have aged after some time
They’ve spent more than four decades
Living a life watching me grow up
I was raised to become a woman and find my own man
Who’s going to build a new castle, a new life, a new home with me
I was raised to say yes to the right man
I walked down the aisle with the man and woman
They are ready to hand me to the man I am destined to be with
The man I am going to spend my new life with, raising the resemblance of our true love
maybe, i was born to hold fire
to be hurt and damaged
by my own strength and might

maybe, i was born to be the fire
ready to burn and to be burned
I am a puppet
Controlled by robots
None of my dreams
Can be real
I am controlled
By a machine
Fuelled with smelly gasoline
To make me alive
I am held by thin wires
With cables attached
To my head and chest
Everything I say
Is numbered and scaled
So don't trust me
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