I have this dog, a huge great pooch,
Just like the one, on Turner and *****,
He really is a big orange lump,
Dare I say how much he dumps,
He shreds and ruins my favourite stuff,
Covering the floor, in loads of fluff,
TV remotes, he's chewed them up,
He costs a bomb, my naughty pup,
His snoring rattles the gates of hell,
And when he farts, my gawd, the smell!,
Don't let's forget, he loves his food,
Face in your cup, slurp slurp, how rude,
What's yours is his, he takes the ****,
I dare you say the word, "biscuit"
He slobbers shoestrings, from his chops,
Each room has a rag, for him to mop,
But that aside, he has my heart,
His crinkly face, and stinky farts,
Rolling in fox mess on his daily stroll,
Sniffing crotches, of those who call,
I kiss his face off every day,
I could never love a man this way,
He has a face you want to snog,
I really, really love this dog :)

Cats make me laugh, the selfish gits,
They prowl through life, not taking ****,
We humans are just staff, to them,
Our independent feline friends,
Standoffish, surly and downright rude,
Very fussy with their food,
They change their minds just like the wind,
Very often gourmet food is binned,
And then they stalk into 'their' house,
And disembowel some poor mouse,
There is one thing you must never oughta,
Try to wash your cat in soapy water,
The outraged cat will then go wild,
You will then know the devils child,
On the coldest the winter nights,
Cat approaches, purring, right?
Jumps on your lap with kneading paws,
But one false move, you'll feel their claws,
You can never ever own a cat,
They own you, now that's a fact,
Our intelligence they have surpassed,
They've worked out how to lick their ****,
One thing deserves a generous pardon,
They at least crap in neighbours gardens,
I cannot help respect these beings,
I'd never wish to hurt their feelings,
And so I for one will doff my hat,
Towards our Royal highnesses , the cat.

I am not a mother,
It's seemed to pass me by,
One day I was thirty,
Now I'm over forty five,
I always wanted children,
A little friend to call me Mum,
But fate did not want that of me,
So sadly, I have none.
Friends envy me my quiet life,
Where lay-ins are the law,
Not realising how much I'd give,
To have someone to get up for,
I think I've worked out life's great plan,
Mapped out from skies above,
Why just have your own few kids,
When there's loads there you can love.

There's not much funnier than a ****,
It's immature, I know, to start,
So many styles of wind to pass,
Gas blowing out your smelly ****,
Some high in pitch, a squeaky door,
Or quiet and deadly, so much more,
Dare we pull the offered finger?
A nasty trick we will remember,
Always makes your children squeal,
But never ever loses it's appeal,
When you meet a brand new partner,
It takes a while to **** in front of her,
When farting terms are established yes,
It's far more intimate, than ***,
It matters not, just where you be,
You need to let your wind go free,
You might think that I am obscene,
But we all do it, yes, even the Queen,
So lighten up, and have some fun,
And blast some air out of your ***!

When we are happy in our lives, every day is a bright sunny day,
Then things go wrong and run astray, black clouds, they chase the sun away,
The wind and rain creep in your soul, and chill your heart, that is their goal,
But with the power of positive thinking, we can lose those thoughts without blinking,
Relax your mind and feel the heat, from in your head down to your feet,
Your on a beach, warmth on your skin, breath in deep, let the sunshine in,
Now feel the glow, around your room, think life's too short to live in gloom.

Such expectation in our hearts,
When the World Cup football starts,
Off to Tesco, for shirts and flags,
Carried home in plastic bags,
3 Lions worn upon our chest,
England's going to be the best,
Little kids collecting  footy cards,
In sticker books, they love this part,
You know where they will be found,
Swapping cards in the playground,
Our team heroes now they stand in line,
Mumbling national anthem, or some just mime,
Our pubs are full, the fans all wait,
For our team England to be just great,
Yet once again, it's a crock of ****,
Still we can't quite believe it,
Our national team can't find the goal,
Been better if we'ad learned to bowl,
Excelled ourselves this time, it seems,
An early exit home, it means,
In some ways it's ended all the fuss,
Of buttock clenching, for all of us!

I have a schoolboys sense of humour,
Oh yes it's true, it's not just rumour,
I always laugh at bums and willys,
It's immature and very silly,
I cannot help my humours taste,
I try to keep it above the waist,
Yet down the slippery ***** I slide,
This 'Carry-On" sense of humour of mine,
Farts, poos, **** the crudest jokes,
Belong much more to bad *** blokes,
Double meaning things that people say,
Is my specialist subject anyway,
Even though I know it's daft,
I do enjoy a ****** laugh :)

My heart is broken,
A fleeting lover,
Don't think I'll ever love another,
I knew it from our very first meet,
My heart went pow and missed a beat,
We exchanged numbers, contact began,
He drove 3 hours to visit me, this man,
Although fair distance kept us apart,
Intense weekends spent, he won my heart,
I opened my soul and let him in,
He felt the same, I'm sure he did,
We carefully helped each other recover,
From our previous messed up lovers,
He planted tulip bulbs where I took Dads ashes,
We shared a healthy love of passion,
We laughed a lot, and shared our fears,
And looked ahead, into future years,
Difficult times shared within our pasts,
We exorcised and freed them at last,
Then one day, right out of the blue,
An email came, my mind it blew,
Tears rolled down my face as I read his words,
I was sobbing like a little girl,
My dreams , like him, had blown away,
Patiently I hope, that soon one day,
He once again may come my way,
This man I loved, for too few days.

I fell in love, with loves young dream,
My hopeful heart had dared to beam,
With rose tinted glasses upon my eyes,
This seemingly perfect, of all guys,
Was everything I dreamed he'd be,
Well, up until he proved that he,
Was not that man, oh silly me,
So please beware, you have been told,
Not all that glitters, is true gold.

People driving in their cars,
Overtaking, racing past,
Desperate to get past mine,
Giving me the Finger sign,
It really makes me want to laugh,
They'd never do that on the path.