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Awe
he asks me, “where did you come from?”
as if he cannot believe I stand before him,
some version of a dream he once had
about a woman he would one day love.
like I am an apparition, suddenly appeared,
as if it’s the first day of my life — or maybe his.

I tell him, “I crawled from the pits of hell,”
with a smile, like it’s a cute joke,
but there’s truth laced in the teasing.
because I was forged in fire so hot
it melted the joy from my heart
and choked the breath from my lungs.

I did claw my way out of despair.
and though I’ve dusted off my shoulders,
there’s still dirt buried under my nails.
I am the blacksmith of my own steel,
molded into a blade sharp enough to cut throats —
or to slice fruit from the tree
and feed you with gentle hands.

and maybe that’s why he looks at me in awe,
afraid that I will vanish as quickly as I appeared.
so he leaves first — suddenly, in the morning —
walking away as if distance
will save him from catching fire,
as if loving me will turn him to ash.

but my fire leaves embers in the blood.
he will carry the taste of me on his tongue,
my breath stitched into the seams of his memory.
and one night —
when the world is quiet and the air tastes of smoke,
he will find himself at the edge of the pit,
looking for my light.
he shook the branches
of the cherry blossom tree
and as the blossoms fell
around me like rain
tears poured from my face
maybe this is love
pulling the childlike wonder
from the depths of the grave
in which it was buried
watching it stretch and yawn
finally awake again
is this love?
as he reaches for me
like a flower leaning
towards the sunlight
as if he needs me
to survive
i think this is love
the way he holds me
and lets the tears fall
aware of the little girl
who needs to be told
it’s okay to cry
and so this is love
petals falling from my hair
gentle hands holding tight
heart beats and shaky laughter
sunlight through tree branches
and the look in his eyes
if not love, what else could it be?
Too
I swim in search of sharks
and I lay down next to snakes
I watch as fires burn
and I beg the earth to quake
I long for that sweet release
and I look for an escape
So I drive too fast when roads are ice
and too slowly in front of trains
but not "too" enough for them to notice
that I'm acting ******* strange
I don't want to be a tragic suicide
I don't want that ******* fame
so I drive too close to semis
and I walk too close to roads
If there happens to be an accident
that means that nobody knows
how consciously I've tried to die
without acting on my own
Samantha Dietz Sep 2022
If someone were to make you, where would they begin?
Would they need a bowl, a cookie sheet, or some kind of molded tin?
Would you be sweet, a little sour, or even have a kick?
Would it be the knife that cut you, or the spoon from which they lick?
Would they start with cream to soften, or flour to make you thick?
Would the eggs just make you runny, or would they make you stick?
Would you need lemon zest, or pepper flakes, or chocolate chips?
Would you melt inside their mouths, or would you burn their lips?
Would you rise inside an oven, or would you boil above a flame?
Would they have memorized the recipe, or would they only know the name?
A prompt from a friend, thank you.
Samantha Dietz Aug 2022
I'm sick of burying my friends.

I'm sick of saying that I'm sick of burying my friends.

I'm sick of planning ******* candle light vigils.

I'm sick of funerals, sick of grief, sick of the hole in my chest that keeps getting bigger.

We are so young. How are so many of us already dead? Why is it that every few months, someone that I love leaves this Earth?

It's not fair.

I'm sick of saying it's not fair.

I'm sick of "I wish i got to see you under better circumstances, but I missed you." I'm sick of crying. I'm sick of watching friends and parents and spouses and children cry. I'm sick of reminiscing on stories and looking at photos from lifetimes ago, when things were simple and we were happy.

I'm sick of "they'll always be with you."

I'm sick of "they live on through us."

I wish they'd just live.
Samantha Dietz Feb 2022
Loving you felt like putting my shoes on the wrong feet
In the way that I could still walk, but something felt off
Like I was just slightly out of balance

Loving you felt like waking up on the wrong side of the bed
In the way that every day would start with frustration
Like being alive was a challenge

Loving you felt like living alone
In the way that we could go hours without speaking
Like I had nearly forgotten you were there

Loving you felt like giving too much
In the way that I poured from a Mary Poppins cup
Like there was one last drop in the bottom somewhere

Loving you felt like an anxiety attack
In the way that air had been snatched from my lungs
Like I couldn't catch my breath

Loving you felt like killing myself
In the way that I would have died if it meant you loved me
Like Romeo and Juliet
In memory of yet another earth-shattering heartbreak
Samantha Dietz Jun 2021
I don't want to count the crows
Don't want to focus on my woes
When life has me in it's throws
I don't need another omen

I don't want to watch the stars
And wonder where you are
I'd rather you pick up the call
Than hear the line ring open

I don't want to hear that voice
Telling me that you made a choice
When we should just rejoice
Instead of stand here frozen

I don't want to say goodbye
I want you to be alright
Don't want to beg the open sky
Or cry a ******* ocean

I don't want to count the crows
I want you to come home
Without you, you must know
How many hearts will be broken
My friend is in the hospital. I don't want him to die. I dont want to burying another loved one. Please wake up.
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