What's unsettling about its premises
Learned how to make it fast and easy
Is this a good thing
No, it isn't, sweetheart
Just a shortcut to death
Or slow comatose wishing

-cj

Is every door locked, no matter the size of the keyhole nor squeaky hinges acting as a
sans-bells alarm?
Cracks meet agelines, define its
exhausted time

-cj

she's scratching to see blood
an inevitable happenstance
it's framed and hung over her head, over her bed
as she lays in it throbbing and howling

-cj

once God just tries, you'll get your wish
keep jumping nearer on your weak legs
dive just under the sky, close enough to
nip nicely at your shins
keep even chase with the quiet casts
you only reach quaint everests when nothing juts under
change everything
you, yourself
just try

-c.j.

Twenty-six is unlucky
A number not to **** with
Gargantuan disfortune lurks
around every corner
Thanks for the consideration,
for the crystal ball theories and
lists of omens
I learn all this by doing, you
thoughtless con

-cj

Enough of the amourous, February's far
Speak of the little bells instead
Ringing then clanging around in my head
Because it is said that when one writes
of the trouble, it can dissipate, be silenced
If only that were true of love, our blood,
and dew
Whose images forever stay and turn us blue

-c.j.

Who would have known
A simple staircase climb, requesting you, shivering in wait
Then the rehearsed truth wills itself out
Now we are here, in the other's presence, a different kind of music
A wish, perhaps, or a hunch
From one minute, all gutsy and free, to the next
When we see the clock and mutter some hopeful somethings
It was October eighteenth, I remember; eleven days later I turned seventeen
And then a bit after I glimpsed an 11:11 (and smiled)
(We speak and we smiled)

-cj

Clouds descend on the berth that you fled
Both our brains are vexed by the hollowness
Wreck the centre, it's futile
From the flawless rise to the end
If you're inhaling purely yet, you are blessed
Nearly all of us are strangled by ill air
Igniting flames to our souls in leisure
Gathering labels of *******-over paramours
We are the exposed ones, the age of ignorance
Hunting dreams of our fates
Someday we'll unveil what is real
That the lone will vanish before arriving
If your blood is still flowing, you are blessed
Much of our dreams, they are scorched and they have faded
It was the sea that drowned us
You didn't rescue me
Well, I've sent it all into disarray
I'm a breathless visage slipping from your memory
My vision's blurred from the echoes from your lips
Pealing through my mind
When you pierced my heart
If you're drawn close, you are blessed
The rest of us are sleeping alone
Igniting flames to our souls in leisure
To break the knot tied to their name
But I am never without that thread

-cj

Maybe I fell for the man in your letters
The artist in denial
Perhaps the east mesmerised me further
and the greyer things snapped me back
Deceit is an art, too, you know
and you cannot practise it on me
Let the liquor lay in past places, so you
can become the man, not just his traces

-c.j.

"the roots of love come tumbling down" when the winter exits and spring takes over, melting the snow and whispering to the sproutlings
transforming the ice into a river, the cold into warmth, the deadness into newness

no intelligence decides the weather- if clouds thicken, rain abounds, if impressions ****** the soil to the worms
a single thorn mutilates our trust, staining any emblems worn that winter day, but
the crumbling love outside rests tonight

-c.j.

Sordid promises keep me
coming back
These columns see me
in my submission
If only they could
hear me sing or
laugh when something
happy involves itself
with me

-cj

Being confused is a big part of this adolescent thing
Knowing something is different from
believing it
Each word that forms in our minds and
escapes our mouths are the faults and
stars we were born to claim like our
last name

-cj

her name was anastasia and she was born under a dark star
the royal family fled from the fire, but for her it was too late
princess of russia, whose fate was so bad, girls everywhere
still claim to be her, take her identity
(how can this be? mine is empty)

-c.j.

did I ever think I could get past this
without a relentless spinning of
nostalgia records playing in my head
as we disconnect
admit the nauseous narcissism
that foments within
**** this
should we rebegin?

-c.j.

I want to get drunk
It sounds marvelous
I'm tired of straitlaced conservatism
I'll inhale some smoke too and run down an unfamiliar street
Forget about the formulas and
begin to leave it up to fate

-cj

Dramatic- reacting to the little noises and imperceptible infractions of the loveless law

-cj

Rebellion never tasted so good
These are the things I thought I knew, I sing
Plagiarising the familiar, sewing it on my tongue
We crept, locked doors, did the unwriteable

Did I really know before
When we're on the phone you playfully tell me
It was all a ploy, a clever ruse, me saying I had
so much to say
You stay on the line anyway

It gets better, they told us, and you pinned your
dream to your body
I told you, now you can relax with snowcapped
mountains on your chest
And you said, I will, but I would prefer you

Do you like staring at the back of my head
While everyone talks about law and confusing
things I typically ignore
Glancing back to you is my favourite part
We study the statue and then I leave to
read sonnets, you depart with the others to the water
The library feels empty without you

Remember when we were looking through old
cassette tapes and CDs and I put my hand on top
of yours for the first time?
That was rebellion, too
After lonely, after relapse after relapse
I found a light
and I held onto it

-c.j.

bliss of this magnitude occupies minarets to
unseen depths
facets of me you will always remain perplexed
over
hues spill supreme, sketch an image blinding
you've turned me insomniac, cipher love
twist the frequency of my speech
they do not satisfy, I know
twist, sound the bell
I can envision you still here
vivid strides in silhouette, fate's definition
now squandering

-c.j.

Tightest knots swallow the air,
winter begging for recompense
Surrender the envelopes addressed
to you, give them up to the fire
Begin again

-c.j.

We were told to read a book about a mustached murderer
and most of us were put to sleep
by the architect's chapters
but I read them anyway
maybe just to say I did
or to more enjoy the blood and
wicked victories of the killer's story

-cj

Terror shreds through several of my skins
and I let it
No use for combat
Killing oneself takes more than one killer other than oneself
Punching holes into the artery
Somehow speeding up the process
Slow the life, quicken the death, upset the cycle, complete the task

-cj

When it comes to mistakes, I am fluent
I wanted you to plunge a knife into my chest
while kissing my lips with such fervour
I couldn't divide time from space

And envy crept in, by no surprise, taking its time
Eating everything worth smiling for
With the pillows as isles, my hands disrupted
their place in their floating between us

There I was, jumping to conclusions like
the edges don't exist
It hurts still to see it-
The sun swallowed the night in one gulp,
And I was jealous

-c.j.

is that the strange strung-out end?
that is the precise one, the one you'll rend
snip at the hips, you snip from the east coast
it's all spent

you decide, so decide tonight
you crack the code, so crack it in sunlight
this part is ceasing, I'm subject to expirations
stand under your streetlight and configure me

in comes the snow, in comes the avalanche
if we're supposed to go, we're supposed to go happier
but it hurts and surges and pushes the thorn inside
we don't stray from what we always do, we don't stray
we did before, and tasted the sweet foray
1219, you are in my brain

-c.j.

Blue messages in white envelopes
Disguised as blackmail, gorgeous letters
I fret over the foolish parts
You attack the rest

-cj

until you kissed me
I had always thought home was a place
home is a feeling
and it might not be cozy and warm all
the time, but the clocks don't tick and
our bodies fail to feel foreign-
we are safe

-c.j.

everyone you know calls you the tame one
like you were lost and found and were always sleeping
lessons learned: don't fake sick, muse often, ask "how soon? is now ok? am I used up?"
we go for those who could be real heroes, they say
so you cough up nothing to clear your brain and go back to sleep,
the same as before

-c.j.

this melody screws itself
an unlikely candidate
supposed this was the start
of another debate

-cj

to invent something, one becomes obsessed with the one real altering "what"
inventors spend summers and springs in their attics
attempting mad tries concerning a last ambiguity
being wise does not always work in said theorists' formulas
madness breeds brilliance, but one botch will torch onlooker's perceptions

-c.j.

If I stopped writing I'm pretty sure
my cells would shrivel up and the notions
aforementioned in wishy-washy stanzas
pertaining to the deceptive romantics
would become gold poison seeking to
destroy their maker

-cj

Luxuries and treacheries
disguise themselves
as the other
It's an egregious cycle
A mundane ellipsis
My head spins
in time with
wherever it originated
I don't know
if it will
have a grave
though I hope
and pray

-cj

The simple truths can pierce nonetheless
How, in morning's wake, the clock buzzes and screams, a mournful cry
And as your legs gather stamina and oxygen infiltrates your brain
Your heart begs to stay in bed, safe, undercovers,
Where there is no one to pretend with, none to breathe with then break from

-cj

Would you prefer me if I tilt my head
at a fallacious angle
Would you rather I abandon my
peculiar nothings
(Would becoming a statue
unblinking and
without impetus
satisfy you)

-cj

over the years the line "this dream is, this dream is in a telescope now"
has meant something but only lately did I realise what it means,
at least, in one facet-
the ideals swirling in my head, these things I think I want, these stories and scenes that infatuate me until I'm speechless-
they are far behind now, not because I changed my mind,
but because I grew up
and it takes a telescope to see them now

-c.j.

Can anyone live as freely as lady madonna?
she gave birth to the lord, the saviour
and if she happened to deceive or insult or covet
could god really say she was guilty?

-cj

grin in this gap, it's a terrible noise
noise that the nest recreates
why am I encircled by it?
beneath the sheets the shapes prepare for winter,
to **** me in
it's clear that nothing is right
let's spend tonight in peace as you fix yourself
it's obvious
I've wrung out the final tear
bits gather in, gravitate the wind like spindles
battling for the chance when
we can wax as shadows

-c.j.

don't bring me downtown with those cool kids
I'm sick of your habits and calling him charming when he isn't
it's over, I don't want to be a pretty body on fire
I'm leaving this self-entitled empire

-c.j.

I rush into the middle and sometimes to the end, ******* off any chance of an epilogue
You can predict the preface easily, lack of joy in the soil, sunlight retreating to the enemy, a reversal of virtues
The centre is frantic, usually, wouldn't you say, with its superstitions interwoven with the conventions, a drop or two of irony
But the end- how abrupt

-cj

capricious pixie, you
your pert spritely self
has the candle blown out,
leaving you in the dark?
dancing to imitate yonder lark
on blue cerulean trees
how sagebrush spies, protecting
you from predators, catharsis
prey, you are, to them
you play safe seldom
has no one taught you
to close your world?

-c.j.

hide, bury, mask
the covers a cloak for the skin
reach out to clutch the inverted silhouette
no sounds to send through the space
columns in the shallows, an absence of light

-cj

Trying to be brave
collecting these crystals
of nerve to act
with pure adrenaline
twisting my lungs into braids
and when you are
loosened, laughter cycles out
a tension in the knees,
followed by weakness
maps couldn't lead me to you,
but my core knows where
you are, an intuition I
swallow with ice cold water
attempts to defy fear
that fuses within
sputter into the rain you
drive in,
a wasted blue hot firelight
at least I tried

-cj

he made me feel like an extra
love wasn't in the cards- it was a possible
by-product because people always wish it
could thicken while lust engages all limbic
faculties
maybe my head held much more freedom than
he was used to
luckily an egregious loop wound me in its corral,
intimidating with what awful perhapses could
transpire
black paint all washed into covers, t-shirts,
white lingerie
even a list fixed of my mother's heaviest hues;
muddled, mindless file, to have with unsolicited taking-
like anyone ever looked anyway!
I am superfluous

-c.j.

It was this unfleeting curiousity that reeled me in
Photographs, scribbled addresses and phone numbers, envied columns
Pencils behind the ear, in between teeth while thinking, concentrating on the enigma
The details of the most puzzling parts of the seeming whole that I set my heart on finding out
Complete
It's not research, it's searching
It's knowledge and pressure to be right but confidence in being in the right place at the right time, studying the right thing, the rush within fueling me to keep going

-cj

I knew I was not the only one with a problem, if that is what it is called
In fact, knowing that gave me an eerie connection to these other ghosts of girls who go without, who hurt
Overwhelming addiction to the ideal
Ignorance from the people who were supposed to care, or even pretend they did
In the end, or very near it, I felt as if I owed something to the others, dead, living, verging on another episode
My story
Even a few lines would suffice
Silence would mock them and me and all the helk we had been through
So with my voice are the pieces of my darker days I rest here to show that survival is possible, that life is a choice, that endings don't have to be ceasing heartbeats
They can be beginnings

-cj

Why is she in the picture?
Futile reassurances, as my mind still aches
Throat theatrics, doors open the cage when bells dingdingding
Bitter halves spill down my core
Swallowing pride tastes like acid
It's all I had to defend myself, a weapon to put in front of my heart
(Fear unadorned with sweetness, just sharp stiffness)

-cj

Mingling secrets purified our intentions
If only plans stayed in the margins
My stupors play with yours
In our printed world

-cj

Intimidated? Don't be, we're all mad here, it's manifest through the tree's tattoo
Camera slung around the neck, stealing angles to devise a plan of beauty, of green and blue and all happiness

-cj

I used to know a boy who would mumble the answers
in science class when the teacher talked about outerspace
the rest of us were mind over matter, paper airplanes in our heads, but we'd say we listen- we do
parties later in high school, he was never at
he moved a couple hours west, and as I sit on the couch watching my peers dancing, their steps lusting
love for physics and chemistry and the knowledge in between came to mind, the love the boy had for them
I wonder if he could tell me or show me
anything interesting, anything of worth,
anything unlike the empty chatter and exhausted gossip currently around me
I should have listened harder when he would mumble

-c.j.

irises are blue,
pupils are black
from lover to lover
the colour changes back

baby eyes smile,
light reflects feeling
coming closer to learn
the life of the girl
you are seeing

-c.j.

The days were going by so fast
for a while
The metronome tickticktick got
caught on the wire
Now I cannot discern lust from
true desire
Instead the time congeals then
blends into potpourri
The kind that ills the mind
but is nothing I do not already know

-cj

Neither Babylon's ***** nor Mother Mary
No, not the one who is quite contrary
For in her grows not a garden but a king
But who am I to say that divine thing
Sins, scarlet, red as blood
Turned white as snow, as wool
Yet still remains that poison-seed
Which reminds me and reminds me of my wicked deed
Pure, I am, but not have I always been-
"The devil finds work for idle hands to do"
Neither downtrodden in dirt nor radiant as sun
These tryings, becoming fruitful, turn me to the One

-c.j.