He checks his emails
I’m happy for you
He’s says
I’m happy for you
I say

You can hold something empty
But it’s still empty

Hey, I haven’t stopped loving you
But every time we speak
You and I
We are with other people
Maybe not this time?

And do you think
When you move
You’ll think of me
Staring over breathless
Horizons
Will you wish
You could share it
With me
And when your drunk
And you are lonely,
And you find
Some girl in your bed,
Will I be in your head?
Will you think of how
I fit into you
And how you fit into me?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
*******
I love you
I miss you
I hate you
You hate me too

Some things neednt be said
They stand the way ancient trees do
Just like the way
I love you

I definitely
Want
To
**** her

That’s what he said
We lie in bed together

And I pretend like it’s ok
Ok that you
Only
Want to
Be inside
Of her

Forgive me, I forgot the meaning

Of the word

When every promise I received,

Even the ones wrapped in shiny paper,

Were empty.

I say
I will miss you
And every single time
You look away
Check out that picture
You say
But I will miss you

I
Have
A hundred pictures of the sun
And the paint it spreads
Across the sky

And you
You don’t even look up
You don’t even notice

The space you left in this family is hollow
Cold hands upon my cheek
That’s the last thing I remember about you

I should have been there sooner
I should have told you I loved you more
I should have told you thank you

How could you be gone
I stand outside and the sun hits my skin
I close my eyes
It doesn’t feel like you are gone

There is no poetry to describe the way I felt
Watching them take your body away
It is like a morning that never ends
Time stands still in a empty strange place
Where you no longer were

Just so you know,
Gammy never left your side
And when they did finally take you away,
She laid in your spot for hours

We miss you, we miss you
I have had you in my life for twenty three years
It will never have been long enough
With a beautiful soul
Like yours Papaw.

I met a boy who smelled like sunshine
He liked to make things with his hands like me
I asked him what is his last name
And by the end of the conversation
It wasn’t until two days later
I realized
He never asked once for mine
He didn’t ask anything about me at all
But now I couldn’t stop thinking
About him

There is a boy, he eats my words up, and he takes my time, he holds it hostage. He’s a beast. He’s a man. A boy. He eats me, and I am only glad that I, I could make him full.

I hope my gaze
Is burned into your brain
So when you and her
And
Her and you
Are in that space
You hate yourself

It’s ten o clock, and I am on the way to the car for a solo adventure to chicken nuggets. The sinking feeling of emptiness is heavy like the beginning summer air around me, I miss you. I open the car door, I plop down, I place my hands on the wheel and let out the biggest sigh. I can feel the tears coming already, falling down. I don’t want to start thinking about you again, but here come the questions pouring in, garage lights faintly illuminating my skin.
I need to pull out now, I need to go and eat. I am angry that you have once again taken up so much of my time, I am empty because I can’t remember what you smell like.

Tell me you love me
And then leave me
Don’t pretend
You’ll stick around
Cut right to the chase
Go away

I love him so much

I keep waiting
Patiently waiting
For him
To be aching
And feigning for me
Waiting for when he decides
He cannot get enough of me

I’ll turn to dust
Before my dreams turn to
Stone

I feel nothing
I feel so far away
And then I think of your sheets
And your bed
And your skin
And the walls at night
Sliding in out of bed
All next to you
I can smell you

She’s there now
I wonder if sometimes
When her back is turned
Does she look like me
And that’s what you wanted

I won’t talk to you again
Atleast not until I graduate
That’s what I keep saying
Five months

And yes it’s true,
I love the earth more than I love you,
Mountains move in me,
And soft earth cradles me,
The way I wish you could have.

Wet dew, gentle kisses
Save loneliness, I am never alone
With the sun, and the moon
The soft leaves, and the green trees

Lie in your bed
Alone but
Never alone
Lie in it

I don’t trust you
Not as far as I can
Throw you
Which wouldn’t be far
On a account of your being
6”3
and my being
5”4
But I miss you
I miss your arms
And the way you scooped me up
I miss you longer than the longest
Days or nights
Every poem is about
Missing
You

It’s five am and I’m thinking about
How I use to be sad if you departed
without giving me kisses
Now we can not even get through
One phone call without
Being at each others
Throats

You will always stop
Time
For me

I miss
Being
Home
With you

I miss putting
My hand
On your face

Everything
Feels so wrong

You there
Me here

I don’t want
To know
That you and her
Are there in that space

I wish
I wish
I wish
You wouldn’t stay

A boy asked me to dinner today
And I said no
I said no
I’m still not over Dillan
He’s all I think about
He’s all I want to be around

It’s five am
And I know you’re sleeping
I’m wide awake
Memories of you dancing
In my head
Making love
Laughing
Feeling so whole
I miss you Dillan

Hey
Can I come home now
I miss your bed

I still think about you,
After all these years.

Too use to the
Pain
You and everyone else
Has caused me
I cant cry anymore
I cant cry
I feel the hollow spot
Sit
In my chest

And
I know
If someone wants you
They will truly do
Anything
To make that happen

It happened for me once.

I don’t write this poetry
For you
Because it’s cute
I write this
Because I
I am filled with passion
Brimming
Teeming
And the amount of things I
Hold inside myself
Have poured over enough
To make an ocean
For you to swim in

Passion
Kissing
Glances
Touches filled with fire
I am on an island so
Far away from these things
I ******* over and over
Just like you **** me over and over
But then that’s different
Can’t let each other go
But it’s okay because there is nothing
Waiting for me over there
Nothing in the sea
Or somewhere else
I sit here with you
I tell myself it’s because I want to
Not because I don’t respect myself
I’ve heard you say this is
A dead end
Point blank
Straight down
It falls out of your mouth often
There will be no flowers or
Candle lit dinners
Even when we laugh
And spend sun up to sun down
Every day
Conversations go into the wee hours
Why do you bother asking me
Intimate things
Over and over and over
But you never called me beautiful
So atleast we have that
I’m on an island
So far from passion
Or the idea of someone telling me
“I can’t get
Enough of you”
Because I can’t breathe long enough
To get away from you
I tell myself that I do this to myself

It’s been over a month
I still ache for you

You ask me how I’m doing.
Everyone asks how are you doing?
Can you smell death on me?
I skate over this, like an Olympic champion trained since 3.
I don’t answer.
I refuse to submit and say that I am fine anymore.
I am not fine.

One time
I knew real love
It tasted sweet
And free

But it will
Never ever
Be

I will be dust beneath your feet
Before he and I
Meet

Well,
There we go Dillan,
Another year passed us by and we were not together, I have not heard from you since April, and so soon
It will be a year since I’ve spoke to you
Do you still read these?
I doubt it, I sense how you have thought to cleanse yourself of whatever it was we did
But,
**** me if I don’t still think about you

Tell me you love me
Give me the sun
And take it away
Give me the rug to stand on
So you can pull it under my feet

I loved you, I love you so much
Words weirdly winding
In my head
I’ll never do this to you again
Promise promise promise
Give me a box
So when I open it
It’s empty

When i eat chicken spaghetti I think of you
Or spending long hours on the phone
The worst thing we ever did
Was let everyone else in our world
I loved you
Despite all the things we’ve said
In anger
In pain
We should have stayed dear friends
Maybe the worst thing we ever did
Was try to go past that when we had
Already crossed our own
Finish lines
I wonder if you think of me too
when the hour is lonely
Like a movie, I grab the sheets,
I’m laughing with you, we are holding hands,
You are kissing me

I’d say I don’t care about you anymore
But what am I supposed to do
We built this whole life
Together
We made a life
Together

Now I’m building it apart
Stranger through the
Looking glass
And that’s who you are
Why didnt you tell me

I am between you
And my passions
I buried them a long time ago
In the backyard of our home

Its getting harder to keep my feet grounded
I might float up and away

I think if you just go
Things would be a lot better
For us both
If you just
Forgot about me
Forgot about this place
Not us
Because that
That never was

I have nothing left to say
You let me down
And
I have nothing else to say

Please don’t touch me

Once upon a time
I almost ran away with you
We almost made a home together
We almost met our lives in the middle

We weren’t even salvageable children
But foreboding adults

There you stood at the altar
And it was never decided
Did I rip you away from it?
Or did you step away from it?
“We all made our choices”

But we still ran with it,
and
We almost did it,
We almost got there,
We were Icarus,
And our inextinguishable love,
It was the sun,
We burned up in it

I hate our phone calls now
I hate the spaces in between the small talk
“How is everything” I love you “******”
I hate being here while you are there
I hate how almost isn’t quite enough
For it to be all the way

I love you

I love you
And
As much as I’d like to
Hate you
All I want is the best
For you
I want you to be happy
I want you to know
I will always always
Love you

I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad about someone leaving before. I try not to think of it. I really do. This morning I was laying on the couch, face pressed against the cushion. I was staring at your TV and all of your things, I just thought about the first day you will be gone. Part of me just wants you to go, because “out of sight, out of mind”, the other part desperately wants you to stay, I keep telling myself it is all wrong. But that is just what I want to hear.
I think about how on that day, this place will be empty, save a few of my things. I will be here and you will be there. Separate. How we will be going from hanging out every day, to hardly seeing each other at all from the way you’ve made things sound, and from how I know people to usually be. I think about how other girls will be laying on your pillows breathing you in, and laughing at your jokes. I think about them sharing moments with you, and learning about your life intimately. I’m sick, and I don’t want to think about it, but I force myself as some sort of numbing agent, if I see it enough in my head, won’t I be numb when it happens? I think about not waking up with you in the morning, or deciding on dinner together, or sitting and playing games until one of us is too tired. I’ve felt like you are the only person in this world I can count on.
I think it’s all just too painful, and I just need to cry when I need to cry. I spent a year of my life with you, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with. Who couldn’t? When my heart hurts like this, I just hold my breath until it’s mostly over.
I am going to miss you so much, I’ve said it a thousand times. It really feels like things will be so empty now, not that I can’t live my life on my own, but it was just different with you.

I hope it all makes it’s way to you
Some way
Some how

I love you, I love you every single day.
When we are frustrated.
When we are cooking.
When you are telling me about your day.
New things.
When you think.
How you are there every time I call.
How you know everything about me, but still learn things about me.
When you are gone.
When you are here.

God told me yesterday that you and I are finished
End of the line
End of this holy bond

Holy matrimony
You said you’d take care of me
But you only wore me down
To make me strong

He sent me a message in the sky
“Leave your husband”
And then I thought about
How you only make me cry
Bone breaking loneliness
Creeping all inside