I wanted to feel her next to me.
The touch of her skin and the rhythm of her breathing. It used to keep me alive, but I've learned to live without it. Fall came, the wind blew and the leaves fell..and with them my heart fell too. Perhaps, maybe a little too hard. She had that perfect demeanor, a special sense of love that no other whole heart could recognize but my very own broken mess. It knocked upon the door to my heart and rang loud and strongly throughout the complexity of my being. I, hesitantly poured myself out for her. I knew she barely noticed. Oh, but babe, I noticed her and every perfect insecurity, and everything that made me hit my knees in awe, in wonder. My eyes rested ever so sweetly on her perfect smile, on that glisten in her eyes, searching for that spark that brought me gently to life. I sat quietly beside her not to interrupt the sound of heaven ringing from her lips as she sang sweetly the lyrics that escaped from the speakers in the doors of the quiet car. I'd compliment her voice, and she'd laugh and shake it off. Everything she hated so much about herself, I so dearly loved...And I ached to show her just how every little thing that she despised in herself grabbed onto my heart, making me stumble and fall upon my knees in astonishment at her precious existence. At her beautiful being. Of course she looked at my tattered, torn heart and noticed that major pieces and strength was missing, wondering how I had been so strong. It was she who kept me on my feet. Not once did she wonder, not once did she guess that I would ever entrust this broken, worn heart to her to help me fix..Even if it meant just patches and stitches. And of course, I looked at her heart, and saw just the same. She had pieces missing and crumbled bits that fell to the floor of her soul.. And this..this is where my journey, my mission began. I searched for her aching heart and soon, with a long journey found it. I arrived near her heart to mend what was broken. Of all the things I ever wanted in life, to fix the brokenness inside this soul had been my desire. Even if my actions went unnoticed, the thought of her happiness in the back of my mind gave me a soft, sweet voice of comfort that reminds me, this love..this love is not worthless. With her, I feel this gentle touch of freedom, the soft whisper of love and a taste of pure acceptance. For days now, her lips and heart and the image in her eyes had been my destination. While fixing her heart, not finding all of the pieces that had gone missing, I'm using what's left of my own to replace the old so she won't have to remain sweetly broken. I will be broken still, from the pieces I've taken from my own but if it means fixing a love that has lost it's sincere touch, then content in my mess, this brokenness, I'll know with absolute certainty she was worth it.

She'll ALWAYS be worth it.

there he goes again
staring at the empty blue sky
and he think it's poetic
like the beat of her heart close to his ears
like the reflection of her shadow as he tried to capture it
but it's all empty like the blue sky

the beat is loud, perhaps much like the sound of his heart
he's waiting for it to rhyme
to make sense, like an ink blot on paper
the way it gives meaning to the vast emptiness
that cavity that seeks pleasure from pain
the ******* smiled from within

and the world closed in on him
the blue sky, the melodies on his ears
it screams of despair and hope
lust and love
life and death
his and her world
forever they are intertwined-
FOR-EVER-

!@#$%^&*()

Her eyes played me
Like soft chords on
An old violin,
And the sound produced
Would never sound as sweet,
As the song flowing from
Your piano key teeth.

There are harmonies in my heart,
And melodies in my veins.
If only you'd strum me
Three times more,
I'd blow into your trumpet lips,
And you'd buzz and you'd hum-
Dancing inside of my kiss.

I'll take this mallet,
And hammer away
At the contours of your spine
Like it were a xylophone,
Your body vibrates-
I flow to the sensual tone.

This is a symphony of few,
An orchestra of two,
And who needs instruments anyway-
When the music is made
by me and you?

I long
                    like
something plush weeping
         into a pillowed hug

of empty oxygen

though I try the Brave Game,
                                         (and usually win)
               flakes of me run
           off my arms and face
and scrounge around the corners of the room
          
                                                           looking for your mellow sting.

supposedly,
“heartache”
is figurative.
                        But I definitely feel
a              s t r e t c h i n g
mush
right where
the Doctors say my heart
                       should probably be

a slight tremor
(      echoes      )
      through every joint
of my toy frame,
              like a thousand elfin voices talking
                      about your favorite foods,
                      and the color of your hugs.

    the tightening
muscles of my throat
        send their regards to your
amicable eyes

              2.5 is a smallish bird
when one observes
             the blue expanse of my ocean life
but it pecks my most tender tissues
                     when I sit [flat] inside Today.

I miss
      like
someone resized my skin

                                            incompetently.

though I am grateful
for your delicate absence
                      (the elusive Good deserves you most)

I feel as if
the petty bird’s wing tensions
        won’t be satisfied
with the look of my dappled shoulders
till you stroke them densely
with your matter-of-fact fingers.

Numb
That is all i can feel.
Numb
Nothing seems real.
Numb
I can't pretend that it's fine
You've worn me to the ground.
Every feeling i once felt
is not pounded.
So my heart is left bare
No feelings live there.
I feel the beat of once happy blood
flow through my veins.
It's blue. oxygen is dried.
Used by all the painful tears i have cried.

I remember you
from your beautiful smile
your cinnamon scented hair
your contagious laughter
your nail-biting addiction
your pointless insecurities
to our silly inside jokes
our dumb little fights
our peculiar bets
our goofy text messages

through tears and smiles
you were the only one who understood
my unspoken words
my concealed pain
my unexpressed happiness
my puzzled feelings

counting your days
we recalled our mischievous memories
when we danced in the rain
when we rang doorbells and ran away
when we pranked the gullible ones
when we stole Ikea pencils
when we fangirled over stunning guys
when we were together
everything turn into excitements
moments with you
I remember them all, Grace

it was a week before December twenty-fifth
when the monstrous cells stopped your heart
a glimpse of smile
appeared upon your face
as you're being taken
far away from us
skin turned pale
body stiffened
tears flooded my sight
there were wailing across the room

time flies like a bullet train without you
it's a rainy day today
you've always loved rainy days
sinking my knees in the dew-wet grass
raindrops whisper in my ears
as I brush off the gray snow from your stone
I still remember you, Grace
I still do

You tell me I'm lovely
You tell me I'm thin
You tell me to come over
But you never say when

You tell me I'm different
You tell me I'm pretty
You tell me to get dressed up
You want to take me to the city

You tell me I'm quiet
You tell me too much
But you never did tell me
You were feeling out of touch

You told me to go
You told me to stay
You couldn't make up your mind
So I decided to leave anyway

You told me you were sorry
You told me you were dumb
You told me that you over think sometimes
And that it isn't any fun

I told you I would be here
I told you I would stay
But don't think that you're my lover
We couldn't last a day

Now you're broke and sorry
Wishing it was better
But "sometimes things happen that way"
I wrote you in a letter

I miss you everyday
I miss you all the time
If only you had known our love
Was always first in mind

I think about you
and I think about me
and I think that we both think too much
And I know that you'd agree

You told me you were happy now
You told me you were having fun
You told me to come visit soon
I could even meet your son

I was ****** and I was tired
I was sad and I was cold
This life just flew by us both
Too fast to grab hold

I am happy too you know,
I never needed you
To tell me that you needed me
I'm a shadow, I'm anew

You won't find me around here
Don't even come and look
"I'm long gone away somewhere"
I wrote you in a book

Now I only see ocean
I can't remember land
For time has passed and I am just a soul
Holding life in my hand

I replay the moments in my head
Of when I first grazed my eyes
Across such a wonderful being
And how I had to take a second look
Because you were like the mysteries
That I craved for

I remember how your lips curled
Into the 8th wonder of the world
And from then on
You and your pale face
stayed etched into my brain

It was like slow motion
As if time around us slowed down
Like in the cheesy movies
And from then on
I was intoxicated by you

But you had a greater love
for mary jane
I knew you were no good for me
But thoughts of you sprinted across my head
Back and forth through the days
And soon I had accumulated
Millions of lined pages
With poems of you

I was ashamed of liking
Someone in love with mary jane
But you were one of the most
Interesting people I had ever seen
Without words I felt a connection
And your eyes held stories
That I yearned to discover

Wanting you was like
Pulling a string on a beautiful sweater
(My life)
And slowly unraveling it to become just
An entanglement of yarn
the thread had to be cut off
by authority (God)
and so he seperated us

But I still see you
and remember that moment
clear as day
and I still see your wandering eyes
And hear your voice in the halls

I try to stay away
but I slowly drift back.
In my dreams of you
there is no mary jane
you are not intoxicated

but if you are temptation
why are you in my
God given dreams
I know I can't change you
so
get out of my head
get out of my head
**get out of my head