You're gone,
and I'm not sure how to cope.

I can't cut,
nor can I drink the pain away.

I just sit here trying to erase what is left of you.

We're all ****** on life,
getting high as the day goes by.

He's on the ground bleeding to death.
She's leaning over the toilet, making herself sick.
That ten year old is crying themselves to sleep.
The "gay" boy just shot himself in the head.
The teens are taking shots, killing the pain with a drag of a joint.

We never stop to see each other's pain and agony.
We never stop to see the anguish everyone's in.

While people have scars and cuts along their body,
tears down their face,
they haven't eaten in three days,
they're taking pills,
the assumption is we're all happy.

Think again.

I always choke on my words before I spit them out,
dragging out my sentences,
trying to make sense of what I have to say.

Maybe they don't even give a **** anyway.

At this point,
I have no idea what I'm saying.
My fingers are typing things that I never have time to think about.

Maybe it's not me who's crazy,
I can't be,
can I?

No,
I don't think I'm crazy.

But when I write,
something takes over me.
I suddenly have time to think.

Surely this doesn't just happen to me.
Others must feel the same.
Right?

Why,
I'm supposed to be happy.

I am though,
aren't I?

Is it just the pills?
Who the **** knows,
or really cares anyway.

My fingers are taking place of my head,
I honestly don't know what I'm rambling about.
But in reality,
who the **** cares?

touching you today was the hardest thing ive had to do in years,
just because i know im not yours to ever touch.

Do you remember that night?
Not that night,
but the night where everything was
simple,
peaceful.

We layed on the trampoline,
it was around 30 degrees outside.

I was cuddled into your side,
your body is always warm.

We stared at the stars.
I can't tell you for how long,
but it felt infinate,
neverending.

Jupiter peaked through an abundance of trees,
you pointed and asked
what planet that was.

I told you of my favorite constellation
and showed you.

Do you remember my favorite
constellation?

More importantly,
do you even remember that night?

I didn't know when she would come back,
but she's at the door.

My ears can't handle anymore yelling,
my eyes can't take anymore blood,
and my mind can't take anymore failure.

I'm moving on.
It's over.
We're done.

I'm giving you up.

I could
seriously love you.

the rush came back.
it was the best ive felt in 3 years.
better than anything you could give me.

a promise was broken.
many promises were broken.
im broken.

but the rush was better than what i felt
the night we hooked up.
so much better.

youre scared.
you know what im capable of.
and that scares you.

you dont understand the rush.
the feeling of being human
after youve felt nothing for so long.

im sure the shadows watched.
they always do.

you wont find out.
im not going to tell you.
and things have changed, so you
wont see.
it all worked out in my best interest.

i will talk to you tomorrow
like nothing happened last night.
and you will be oblivious.
im **** good at wearing a mask,
and you just found that out.

you wont be able to tell what im
hiding behind that mask.
you havent encountered it enough.

youre more scared of losing me
than im scared of losing myself.

Do you remember when you liked me?"
Ha, yeah..
I still can't believe you did.
Yeah..it happens often.

that's a lie
i loved you
i loved you more than anything in this ****** world
it pains me, still, after 5 months
its gotten a whole lot easier being around you
but theres always this feeling, heavily holding my heart down
a feeling you will never find out

You okay? You haven't said anything in a few minutes.
*Yeah, I'm fine. Just got lost in thought.

all i could hear was my heart
it pounded harder than it ever has
he could probably hear
i was shaking

he wanted it
i wanted it

it was so much different
than the first time

we were sober

what is he thinking

The moon in the dusk looked at me and whispered everything will be okay.
She told me that time goes on and she will always come back up to comfort me during night.
She looks over me and makes sure I'm well.
She gives me light in my dark mind,
and brightens the dark sky.
"When you're feeling down, come and find me," she said with a grin.
And I replied, "I'll be back again."

i know why no one will ever love me or want me.
It's not hard to decipher.
i'm easy to leave and forget,
and you're the reason i know that now.

im a galaxy
and youre
a million
miles
away

She threw me away like
the day old tea bag that sat on her counter.

Did I ever mean anything to her?

She got rid of me so easily,
so quick.
      --was it easy for her to block me?

I'm sure it was.
She acted like I never meant anything,
that I was't an impact on her.

But just like that,
she blocked me out of her life.

Just.
Like.
*That.

Will he be distant?
Is it going to be different?
How different will it be?
Will he not cuddle into my side?
Is he going to put his head on the opposite side of the bed?
Will he not let me hold him just like all the other days before?
Will I not feel his breath down my neck as he sleeps so soundly?
Will I not see his tired eyes as he wakes?
Will he no touch me as he use to?
Will I ever hear his heart beat again?

Is this the end?

"I wanna smash the faces,
of those beautiful boys,
those christian boys."

My thoughts took me down the stairs,
it was fuzzy as can be.
Everything was blurry,
I could not see.
Found my way into the kitchen,
took a pill.
I thought maybe I could take several more,
hoping during the night they would ****.

The fuzziness subsided,
and I lay in my bed.
I did not go downstairs,
and I sure wasn't dead.

It was all just a daydream,
a dream never to come true.
A dream different than any others,
and it sure won't shoo.
They are scary as hell,
not that I mind.
It's weird,
I like them I find.

Should've killed myself when I had the chance.

This isn't fun anymore.

You don't try to keep in contact.
All I have to think is:
why should I even try?

63072000 seconds ago
I was worried about what blade I would use next.

1,051,200 minutes ago
I didn't know how much longer I could take living this life.

17531.6 hours ago
you and I got together.

730 days ago
we were friends.

24 months ago
I woke up to you by my side,

Two years ago
everything was so bad, but oh so good.

one day i will be able
to listen to
our
song without hearing
you
in every word.

It's true when they say
curiosity killed the cat,
because the curiosity of my father
almost killed me.

its funny because no one knows
the *truth.

You promised me forever.

When did forever become never?

I swore
you were an
engravement on my heart.

I loved you from
a distance,
short of a stop.

You left,
without a
note left in my
pocket.

I have torn
ideas of what we
were and what
have always been.

A flower
that will never
bloom again.

Your touches
are burns on my skin.

A sting that will
not fade.


You were an engravement
that was never on my
heart,
only a memory
on my
skin.

The heavens
can only cry
for so
long.

MY LUNGS ARE FILLED WITH HATRED,
BUT I'M STILL BREATHING.
I'M SUFFOCATING.
PLEASE SAVE ME.

I don't need to be high;
I have you.

And just like that,
another friend down the drain.
I did nothing to make you hate me,
but it is what it is...

right?

April21April21April21April21*
You remember, Sky,
the day you wanted to **** yourself?

The more i do it,
the more satisfied i become.

I never thought I would forget that night that we
gazed at the stars on the trampoline.
I showed you where my favorite star,
Orion
and Mars
is in the night sky.
We laughed and laughed
because you could not see it.
It was cold,
but our body heat kept us warm...
or was it our body heat that kept us warm in the cold night?
Was it the love from our veins bursting through our skin?

i sure did look cute
in between your legs.

3 years later,
and im still
doing the
same **** i did
back then.

I haven't met you,
yet I feel as if though
I have touched your heart
in ways
no one else has.

It was normal
My head on your chest
and your arms clutching mine
your smell staining my pillows and
how you lay so close to me

It was normal
You touching me
in ways I loved so much
me touching you in ways
that made u groan

It was normal

It's not normal that we
hold each other so close
and your breath on my neck
you sleeping in ny arms
and your head buried in my neck

It's not normal
that your other friends think you're
prudish and unlike you for me to be that close
and that you are nothing like how you are
with them around me

It's not normal
that you are the single person I feel
most comfortable with in this world
and you are the first person that has made me
feel so alive

It's not normal,
it never was normal,
but it's so right.

I've reread your message for days,
but I don't think I can bring myself to reply.

I finally realized I needed to open up my eyes,
and now I see everything.

Why do I try to stay in touch,
when it hurts me to know
you're in love with
someone else?

Every Friday night we
hang out and make out.
We talk and listen to music,
and we know the night isn't getting younger.
When you're asleep at my house I always think about sneaking a cigarette,
but I know you can't stand the smell, so I don't.
I end up falling asleep.

Every Saturday morning I awake at your house
and sometimes mine.
You're always the first awake,
playing on your phone.
You lie next to me,
and I put my head on your chest.
I love the sound of your heartbeat.
We eat breakfast, get dressed, and go out sometimes.
By the end of the day, we end up at your house on Saturdays.
We fall asleep like we normally would, cuddling.

On Sunday we wake up,
the normal routine.
We always eat waffles or pancakes with your mom, dad, sometimes your brother and ALWAYS Gary.
We always go somewhere on Sundays,
whether it be New Orleans, the Mall, or the lakefront.
By the end of the day, we go to our separate homes,
and Monday comes.

I swear I will not
overthink
you
this time.

I will not act
on my feelings,
only because I
care about
one of my best friends.

We have not
stopped
talking.

Constantly
back
and
forth.

I think you could
be good for me,
but we will never
know because
I care about
her
too much.