I was under his influence for ten days
He told me about trails he was about to walk
And how he never found love in those small-town streets
I dodged his kisses as he played the strings of my skin

Our last night, we barely even moved
We spoke of life's beauty, in all its complexity
As we watched the storm coming in
That next morning we pretended not to say our last goodbyes
And then the room flooded

I have been wearing him ever since
Right behind my deepest memories and my darkest guilt
He hits me with the sharpest sweetness about ten times a day
And I just stare at this new scar, in all its complexity
As I wait for the storm to pass

I think the scary part is that
eventually we all become strangers
and the body you used to let yours sleep against
only two months ago
now silently tells you to keep distance.

I think what hurts the most is that
you used to look at them and know exactly
what was going through their mind
and now the only thing you are sure of
is that it's not you.

You used to call them when you felt like **** and
now you're fighting yourself all night
not to dial their number.

They used to fill your mind
first thing in the morning
and your mouth would easily curl up,
now they're the last thing at night
you think about and maybe
you have never even known eachother.

I'm on a strike
I refuse
To spend the rest of autumn
Pretending to be whole without you
And I swear
I will not leave this bed
Until I wake up and find you in it

She smelled of burned skin and sunscreen
And as I watched every grain of sand
Find its way past
Endless legs and golden hair
I couldn't help myself but wonder
If her lips would taste like seasalt
With a touch of honey ***

I was never built for orgasming
Because of men who love to give
I was built for
Steal another ******
Kind of ***
Out of pure selfishness and absolutely
Never
Out of generousity.

I was made for
Out of your head
Shut the **** up
Type of romantic insanity.

I used to think I was built to travel the world with somebody
But I found I was built
To get locked up and
Break free by myself.

I tried shaving you off of me today
Without a clue who I was trying to kid
I thought that maybe if I could rinse you from my body, I might be able to silence your absense.

You see,
I hate you for loving me the way you do
With all your patience and your ease
I hate you for handeling everything better than me
And that I am always the one begging not to hang up the phone
I hate you for not leaving me
Because slowly you are forcing me into
The scariest part of my life
Of trusting you that you'll stay
And I will never survive that fall

Pick me up
In pieces
Organise my every scrape
Across your bathroom floor
And clean me
Wash off all my imperfections
Rinse away my every fear
Then warm me up on love
And lay me in your bed
Guard over me tonight
As I fall asleep to the sound
Of your lips
Whispering sweet kisses
To my healing skin

Make me forget I even
Wanted to take care of myself

The greatest feeling in the world
Is the security of knowing
You're not going anywhere
Ever

Those nights my bed always felt like it was shaking, but now I realise it was probably just me.

Five milligrams to hold on to this time. I hope the eyes-closed-visuals won't return or the strange noises in every music, even Jack Johnson. I hope I won't go back to looking back at a day and feel as if I just wasn't really there. That cold feeling in my neck can stay away from now on.

They fell in love through summer.
Did too much foolish things.
Now snort it from my ****.
And
Let's do two at a time!

During autumn,
she cried sometimes.
But he held her.
Nothing will happen.
She started to believe him and
his careless state of mind.
  
Only now that winter is
coming down on them,
the cold air makes her scared.
You have no idea how ****** up I am.

Two seasons, never more or less.
Two seasons, time for aching chests.

If I could hijack all the planes
That land and take off in between us
I would
If I could calm this storm
So we can see clearly
Right before we forget what love even looks like
I would

But my love,
All I can try to do
With these endless days ahead
Is to trust
That when the fog fades
You'll still be looking for me

She let my hand lay in hers
as she tapped it firm and rhythmal.
I knew I needed this moment with her,
but could not look her in the eyes.

She started.
You think you don't deserve true love.
I smiled. I'm such a walk-around cliché.
You put on this act of *** godess
because you feel that's the only way to get male attention.
Now I just sound like a *****. I'm not that weak.
You think every man will leave.
Boo-hoo, ******* bridget jones's diary
Because he left you.

That hit me.
Suddenly I was crying.
Not just tears, it was crying at its fiercest form.
I was howling,
every gram of pain dripped out of me.

She held me.
I felt clean.
I repeated after her.
Even though I'm afraid of being left alone again
She kept tapping.
I accept myself
I looked at her
*and I love myself

He organised my hair
By deviding it into equal wisps
And laying them across my shoulder
I pinched my eyes
As I traced the outlines of his face
With my open lips

We had come down so hard
From the euphory we created just minutes before
The sweat had not dried yet
Our breathing irregular
The second we fell apart together
And hit the matress
Was the second reality hit us

"I don't want you to leave"
I tried to imagine
Every mile I was about to cross
Every face I would meet
Every fear I would conquer
But it was all buried in my love for him

In that moment
I wished I would explain that
The way he blew away
Everything I once thought mattered
And how I had been able to fix myself
While being held up by him
And that I wasn't that sure about this journey
Because I found everything I was looking for
Just like everything I was running from
In that bed

I wished I said all that
But instead I pinched some more
"I don't want me to leave either"

You are that one black picture from my disposable camera. I don't know if your memory was a good one but i would give everything to see you.

Like that one frustrating grip. I feel you all the time but i just can't hold on to you, no matter how much i hurt myself.

You are that appartement i lived in for seven months that never was mine but also was the only place i ever felt at home.

I'm afraid.
Because I know me, not you.
I've seen my choise of men, and I know after today,
the way you kissed me, made me laugh
kissed me, made me laugh,
that I will fall in love with you.

I'm afraid because you're pretty.
And because most men cheat, especially the pretty ones.

I'm afraid I will forget all of this.
The pain, the healing,
and that I will eventually trust you.
Give everything I have, just like I always do.
Loose myself in your approval, love you more than I love myself.

I'm afraid that there,
at my weakest point,
you will be just like them.

I used to believe in love the way I believed in a ******* rabbit,
hiding eggs all over grandma's garden because jesus died.
Now I know, my grandmother hid them, rabbits taste delicious and jesus wasn't even born.*

Love is selfishness.
It is impossible to love one, without wanting them to love you back.
To give time and attention to you and you alone.

There's no such thing as unconditional love.
We fall in love with one's attention in stead of one's personality.
We don't feel attracted to one's body, but to the feeling that body gives ours.
We do not love people. We love security, affection.
We want to feel wanted and loved.
And when we don't, we blame the one we never even cared about in the first place.

I get so scared.

Because I always **** up. Over attached insecurely depressed and you'll leave by the time that you figure this mess.

I get so anxious.

Because you're all so intimidading. With your arms and your hands and the scents of these men and I try to stop fantasising of it but I can't.

I get so weak.

Because I give you my spark. And I loose all my strength to the thought of a man loving me for the things that I no longer am.

I never liked any of you.
I just love doubting myself.

He never asks about the past,
even when it'd be okay.
He reads me like a post-it note,
but patiently he waits.
He sees and grabs me, guides me home,
but he never asks what's wrong.
As he comforts me and I say I'm fine,
he holds me, plays along.

(I want to tell him everything,
but not a single word sounds right)

I heard that the human body doesn't have one cell the same as seven years before.

Now I'm no biologist, but that would mean I am not the same girl you left ten years ago and there's not a single cell inside of me that you ever got to injure. In all honesty, it's much easier to believe my body is sacred now that I know you never touched it.

I lost my house tonight
And you have a girlfriend but
Your voice made me realise I
Want a boy that can write me songs
And play them for me

One that doesn't care about his clothes
And has too much hair and a beard
Weird things like your ***** pack

You made so clear tonight
Exactly what I want and
That you were made fo-hor me

I woke up on a black stained beach
In a country I wasn't sure of
The ocean appeared to me
More reckless than ever
With your body in it
Looking back at me

I somehow lost the pain
That was always inevitably connected to love
I found peace within you
And you helped me recreate it
Into faces with
Your unwavering blue eyes
And my uncontrolable lips

I could see the way you took my fear
And slowly replaced it with trust
And I could love again
Like it was always intended

This isn't about love.
There's no point in romanticising me living on a couch.
Mom, I am so sorry, I can't come back again.
But I love you.
This isn't about love.
Maybe about karma.
What goes around steals your belongings and asks you back the key.
And my backpack is so heavy.
(How did I fit my life in there)
But my feet aren't tired yet.
Let's try Rotterdam
I hate that city but
This isn't about love.

How for one year after you leave
Every triangle will remind me of you
And that I bury my face in the pillow on
Your side of the bed
You were truffle and thyme
When I expected salt and pepper

In a few months
This won't hurt as much
And you will be happy with yourself

On one of those nights
You will be dancing
Or ordering a drink

And I ask you
Hey
To think twice
What's your name
About the trouble
Nice to meet you
You're getting yourself in
I've never seen you before
And all the pain
We should go out sometime
You had to feel to get there

What was your name again?
Too late

Think of how many heartbreaks you pass on the street.
These passengers wait for a body's arriving, but find out that promises weren't made to keep.

Look at the person beside you that's touching your knee.
Put a hand on his or hers if that's what they need.

Find the desperation in the traveller's being.
Don't do like the rest and ignore what you've seen.

We walked past the girls in the red lights
Looked at their bodies and judged their ****, hand in hand
I wondered if they would take women, or couples
You got mad
"Do you want a ***** to go down on you?"
Apparently, you did.

I planned a holiday with my friends.
I would be living on the edge of coma for ten straight days.
Excited I told you the news.
You cried in my arms.
"What if they touch you, and you can't say no?"
Apparently, you couldn't.

I went to see a pro for the first time.
It scared the **** out of me.
Finally admitting my problem.
You laughed.
"Babe, are you a little coocoo for cocopuffs?"
Apparently, babe, you are.

He's an artist
The way he paints
With bite marks and hickeys
On my goosebump canvas

The planets are aligned
The stars are in their place
And the circumstances could not have been more favorable

You and I, my love
We were meant to be
Elsewhere

I am falling in love again.

This is me, self-destructing. I will lie in front of him, naked, look into his eyes the way he wants me too and whisper in his ear the things he dreamt about. I will touch him, wherever he wants to be touched, just so he will stay the night, maybe even come back next week, when his **** wants to fill something up. And I'll be that for him. I will be that ****, but I'll be the best **** he's ever had. Cause that's the only thing I'm good at when it comes to men. I cannot be myself with them. I cannot make them fall in love with me, or make them stay. I can **** them off and hear them say that was the best ******* they've ever had. But when my anxieties kick in, they aren't here.

I am falling in love again.
Please, do it different this time. Please just walk away.

Sometimes I get so positive
I scare myself to death.
I see beauty that does not excist
and I feel loved
by people who have never loved anything before.
I have fallen for the most terrible men,
I felt at home in the most hatefull families,
and now I look at you
and I see the best in you
even though you never did.

I'm a victim of my own optimism.

How do I write down
the facts
of the nine year old me,
shivering at night
at the thought of his eyes.
How do I tell a stranger
without any tears
that he can't be a father,
never could, never will.
These words get stuck
halfway my throat,
and the awkward feeling
grows.
Everytime I try,
second time
I see him go.

I am slowly *******
Last night I took out my metal
For I could not stand the weight
During years now
Am I washing off smeared make-up from my face
I think it's beginning to show my skin
Sometimes I speak and the echo brings my own voice back to me
It sounds so much calmer than I remembered
My hair has been growing back its color
It tickles on my shoulders

I'm getting there
It's terribly slow and difficult
But I think I'm finding myself

This is exorcism.

I walk from home to school from work back home and my eyes stopped changing shades.

All kinds of demons try to get out of me as I stare to nothing in particular and it scares me.

I would fight or run if only I had the energy. Or the courage. Or the fear.

My eyes used to change shades.

I miss your twelve inches.
The dimples in your chin,
When you were guessing if I was kidding.
(Hungover questions like
Did we have *** last night?)
I miss your O-face,
And the fact you only pulled it for me.
I never fell in love with you,
Only with your absence.

You don't know what your words can do.
They hold me, spin me around.
From you might be in love to the smallest goodbyes,
rolled I forth and back chasing the words.
They ooze out your lips, right through me.
I'll do whatever they say.
I can crawl for you,
cry for you,
drink with you,
ride on you,
just to hear your words,
fall down my chest
and say
*Bye, honey

I don't know. Either you gave me a million kisses. Your lips barely touched my skin, but I felt them. Oh, I felt them everywhere. Or you grabbed my neck and stuck your tongue inside me. And I just excisted in that moment, guided by your mouth. I can´t remember if you held my hand and I felt comfort, or you pinned my hands against the wall, and I felt passion. Did we make love or sins? I seem to keep forgetting, what is lust and what is tenderness.

I loved cutting your hair
Because it made me feel like I co-created a part of you
And you were the greatest thing I knew that was ever made.

Today I heard two men talk about how their daughters changed their lives.
One of them said he would never leave his life with her,
no matter how hard it can get.
The other one agreed.

I wondered, how could he?

A cigarette burnt my hand
And you were there tonight
My first thought was not
You're so beautiful
But a less desperate
How the **** should I act
And it still hurts
But I guess I'm moving
Right

Sometimes we do things
And we can't even understand why
But we do them
And we can never un-do them
So we wait
For time
To make it look less important
For love
To make us forget

I did something
And I couldn't even understand why
But I did it

I know.
How time heals all wounds and
we were never getting married.
I know that in a year from now I cant even care less.
I'm aware.
I didn't even love you yet.
It was too short for that.
I know you're just 4 months in 12.
Of hopefully 80.
And I'm going to be just fine,
even better than with you.
I know all of that.
But now,
right now,
I just wish your body was warming my bed.

It's not the distance, it's the darkness. Dark days have always been there, for as long as I remember. And I've been trying to stop calling them a flaw, or part of some disorder, or the consequence of past trauma. I am trying to accept them as part of what makes me whole. Use them to develop the light days. To feel those harder and with a more open heart. I don't want to spend my life waiting to feel less. It's hurtfull to think my emotions are connected to the years I have lived. What if I prefer to never become numb? I just need to find the ones that will not be scared to drown in my depths. The ones that will not try to fix me, but stare in awe at my wholeness. That do not try to shine light on the dark days, nor close the windows when it's bright. I need to find a love, so unconditional, that it'd rather I dissolve into my own darkness than loose myself trying to fix it. I need to find it within myself, within my depths, or turn to dust while searching.

I am a hurricane.
My world is this ***** of emotions
on a saturdaynight with the vague taste of ***** and caramel.
All of my relationships smell like bodyfluids
latex with the fake taste of strawberries or chocolate.
My last wednesday consisted of two jobs, two bottles and no sleep.
It's how I like my days.
The people who were supposed to raise me snorted more than I ever will.

I am a hurricane.
In my eye, you stand.

Love will always guide her
To all the wrong places
But with perfect timing
It will lead her through darkness
And the deepest of pains
But she will never stop putting
One foot in front of the other
And she will eventually learn
How to speak the language of her heart
For it has been crying out to her
Too loud to hear all else

At least we're still alive.

I wrote eulogies for all the people I will ever loose, but when the time will come I don't want to remember how to speak.

At least we feel love.

I mix the feeling up with other one's. One's that will never be worth the effort.

At least we are healthy.

And our bodies remember to breathe when we forget.

At least we can fight.

I will feel terribly ashamed and sorry if I will ever stop that for one second in time.

We owe that to them.

No matter what happens during the day,
I think about how I'll tell you.
And everything I do,
I want you to see.

I often think of how we walk.
My hand on your left side,
yours resting on my shoulders.

Or how we sit.
Two bottles of wine on the table.
We talk untill the tears are no longer able to wash away with alcohol.
And than you do not comfort me.
As you and I both know,
I find comfort in just being there
with you.

Sometimes I quickly think of you.
Sometimes in bed,
on a party,
always shortly in the kitchen.
And I know I won't be finished living,
untill there's someone loving me
the same amount I love you now.

Since you left this house
Almost two weeks ago
My mind has been in chaos
But my body's been at ease

It seems to me this heartbreak came
With healing skin disease.

Some day, we have to stop blaming everyone else.
Our father for leaving.
Our teachers for not letting us be kids.
Our sister for needing more help.
Our mother for not giving more.
Our friends for not understanding.
Our exes for not being gentle.

Someday now it's time to woman up
Get in charge
And **** all those external influinces.

You have so much in your hands
They have nothing over your happiness.

There was always a silence
Right before he would rest his eager lips
on her shivering back and she would swallow her tears and strengthen her voice to say
Not now babe, I'm having another one.
She would beg him with her eyes to understand her and stay patient
But in dark rooms like those
And her back against his mouth
He was never able to see her prayer
So all he saw was another dark cloud over his always so beautiful day
And she couldn't even blame him for leaving

It's been a year
But she still wonders every day
What if we would meet again now that I'm stronger
But then again
What if I will love him so much
That I lose myself in it
The exact same way I did

We live in fear
for nothing
and I wish
I could just see this
not say this.