What if every person
gets the same amount of heartbeats
And every minute filled with stress
anger or
even excitement
will take seconds of your life?

All I know is I would fall
in love with you anyway.

I know.
How time heals all wounds and
we were never getting married.
I know that in a year from now I cant even care less.
I'm aware.
I didn't even love you yet.
It was too short for that.
I know you're just 4 months in 12.
Of hopefully 80.
And I'm going to be just fine,
even better than with you.
I know all of that.
But now,
right now,
I just wish your body was warming my bed.

Anything, to feel nothing.

I used to wake up, six in the morning. Just enough time to smoke one before class.
Made me feel nothing for about two years.
Till my chimeras found me, through my buzz.
Tried pills, didn't work the way I planned.
First time in my life I felt even more than I was used to.
Got scared.
Maybe there is no medicin.
So the shrink gave me some medicin.
Made me numb for about six months.
Untill I lost my believes in placebo.
Tried ******* my feelings out.
Dug up some more issues.

And now, I've been sitting here, for the last two hours.
Staring at my wall.
It tells me in a foreign language that I am strong.
I painted that ****. I believed in it.
I'm not a bit stronger than the substances inside me.

Is there some kind of rule for
how many flashbacks
of you saying home
and forgetting the your?

Is there someone to answer
the question of how long
it takes to stop seeing
your clothes on the floor?

Is there any book written
on stages of heartbreak
and how to get over
not being enough?

Is there some sort of method
that makes us immune
for the things that destroy us
when we fall in love?

This is exorcism.

I walk from home to school from work back home and my eyes stopped changing shades.

All kinds of demons try to get out of me as I stare to nothing in particular and it scares me.

I would fight or run if only I had the energy. Or the courage. Or the fear.

My eyes used to change shades.

She's lost, dad. Nobody's heard from her again. I see images of empty rooms. A girl who looks like me. Men we never met. Her dark hair is no longer full of volume. Neither are her eyes of light. Sometimes it's harder to think about you than to think about our next fix.

There must be a day when I can stop blaming you,
But untill that day we are waiting to be saved by a man that never came.

It's not love
untill I wrote a poem about you.

For the past two months
I've been running away scared
After carefully coming closer
And I swore this was the last time
But all the chaos in my world
Tumbles down in so much grace
Everytime it is silenced by your calm voice
For a last "sleep well, my love".

You were breathfastening beautiful with
your bare feet and your wanderlust.

It was only after I leaned in to kiss you
the reflection I saw made me forget.

Never have I walked as long as
the walk home with the image
of you waiting in my bed
in my head.

Honey,
I think they stole the moon.

There was always a silence
Right before he would rest his eager lips
on her shivering back and she would swallow her tears and strengthen her voice to say
Not now babe, I'm having another one.
She would beg him with her eyes to understand her and stay patient
But in dark rooms like those
And her back against his mouth
He was never able to see her prayer
So all he saw was another dark cloud over his always so beautiful day
And she couldn't even blame him for leaving

It's been a year
But she still wonders every day
What if we would meet again now that I'm stronger
But then again
What if I will love him so much
That I lose myself in it
The exact same way I did

You don't know what your words can do.
They hold me, spin me around.
From you might be in love to the smallest goodbyes,
rolled I forth and back chasing the words.
They ooze out your lips, right through me.
I'll do whatever they say.
I can crawl for you,
cry for you,
drink with you,
ride on you,
just to hear your words,
fall down my chest
and say
*Bye, honey

I get so scared.

Because I always **** up. Over attached insecurely depressed and you'll leave by the time that you figure this mess.

I get so anxious.

Because you're all so intimidading. With your arms and your hands and the scents of these men and I try to stop fantasising of it but I can't.

I get so weak.

Because I give you my spark. And I loose all my strength to the thought of a man loving me for the things that I no longer am.

I never liked any of you.
I just love doubting myself.

He never asks about the past,
even when it'd be okay.
He reads me like a post-it note,
but patiently he waits.
He sees and grabs me, guides me home,
but he never asks what's wrong.
As he comforts me and I say I'm fine,
he holds me, plays along.

(I want to tell him everything,
but not a single word sounds right)

Think of how many heartbreaks you pass on the street.
These passengers wait for a body's arriving, but find out that promises weren't made to keep.

Look at the person beside you that's touching your knee.
Put a hand on his or hers if that's what they need.

Find the desperation in the traveller's being.
Don't do like the rest and ignore what you've seen.

I like the sight of my room
With your pants on the ground
And my bed looks more comfortable
With you (slightly snorting and) rolling around
Somehow your body makes my skin look healthy,
******* are out of this world when you help me,
My clothes fit me better when you say you like them,
My ******* seem to grow every second you strike them,
My jokes aren't stupid when I see you smile,
Worries aren't worries when you talk for a while,

I guess the point of what I'm trying to say,
Is that I like having you here, so please stay.

Funny how ten milligrams lighter
feels like ten kilos more.

I realised something last night
About how I can
learn from my mistakes
and maybe even correct them
how I can grow and
stand up and
carry on
But after more than 10 years it
still all comes down to
*Darling
Don't leave me

Around her
I'm the only one
who looks like him.

I blame you, dad
For all the ****** up things I do to myself
I blame you for the meds I take
I blame you for the guys I choose
I blame you for everytime I fall in love and every anxiety attack
I blame you when my body starts to tell me that I'm wrong
I blame you for all this ****
For me desperately loving my uncle
Untill the point that I'm terrified that maybe
Just maybe
He doesn't like everything about me
Just like I do with every ******* guy
And I blame you
I wish you were different
And here
I wish you'd just think of these things
And care
Just a little
But you don't
And I can't figure out how you do that
So I blame you

I loved cutting your hair
Because it made me feel like I co-created a part of you
And you were the greatest thing I knew that was ever made.

No matter what happens during the day,
I think about how I'll tell you.
And everything I do,
I want you to see.

I often think of how we walk.
My hand on your left side,
yours resting on my shoulders.

Or how we sit.
Two bottles of wine on the table.
We talk untill the tears are no longer able to wash away with alcohol.
And than you do not comfort me.
As you and I both know,
I find comfort in just being there
with you.

Sometimes I quickly think of you.
Sometimes in bed,
on a party,
always shortly in the kitchen.
And I know I won't be finished living,
untill there's someone loving me
the same amount I love you now.

When I can't sleep
I feel your
breathe on me.

I am an addict.

Every picture of my childhood shows me holding a man or a man holding me.
They thought it was cute.
Twelve birthdays later he still never showed
and they don't think it is cute no more.
They're right.
It's desperate.

But isn't the point of getting sober to find happiness.
Well I'm sober now.
And I know the only thing right now that can fix me

is the dark hairs on the back of a hand or
that smell they all wear.

And if it's true that we always stay addicted,
I am ******.

I've seen flowers, frozen and buried, come back alive in the spring of the next year.

Children learning how to talk in 52 weeks.

There's proof that masterpieces were made in four season, so I will strongly believe I'll be fine a year after you left.

A cigarette burnt my hand
And you were there tonight
My first thought was not
You're so beautiful
But a less desperate
How the **** should I act
And it still hurts
But I guess I'm moving
Right

We live in fear
for nothing
and I wish
I could just see this
not say this.

Those nights my bed always felt like it was shaking, but now I realise it was probably just me.

Five milligrams to hold on to this time. I hope the eyes-closed-visuals won't return or the strange noises in every music, even Jack Johnson. I hope I won't go back to looking back at a day and feel as if I just wasn't really there. That cold feeling in my neck can stay away from now on.

Sometimes we do things
And we can't even understand why
But we do them
And we can never un-do them
So we wait
For time
To make it look less important
For love
To make us forget

I did something
And I couldn't even understand why
But I did it

Some nights you hit my dreams
Just as sudden as you left my reality.

At least we're still alive.

I wrote eulogies for all the people I will ever loose, but when the time will come I don't want to remember how to speak.

At least we feel love.

I mix the feeling up with other one's. One's that will never be worth the effort.

At least we are healthy.

And our bodies remember to breathe when we forget.

At least we can fight.

I will feel terribly ashamed and sorry if I will ever stop that for one second in time.

We owe that to them.

The greatest feeling in the world
Is the security of knowing
You're not going anywhere
Ever

Since you left this house
Almost two weeks ago
My mind has been in chaos
But my body's been at ease

It seems to me this heartbreak came
With healing skin disease.

Today I heard two men talk about how their daughters changed their lives.
One of them said he would never leave his life with her,
no matter how hard it can get.
The other one agreed.

I wondered, how could he?

I know you didn't mean to lock me out last night,
and you were just a little too drunk and forgot about your daughter.
But it seems that you're the only mother in this town, who ever did.
I also know, you don't mean it when you say those nasty things.
You don't think I'm a failure, and you do love me.
But still it hurts to hear them, mom.
I understand you've always worked hard for us.
And now you need some time for yourself.
But you see, after seventeen years you can't just stop being a parent.
I still need you sometimes.
I know she always needed your attention more than I did.
I know I was the quiet one, with not that many problems.
But mom, the only reason I was never loud, was for you.
And I did need your attention, your time.
I was scared too, and sad.
He left me too, mom, and you keep forgetting.

He thought he could fix her
But he would always forget
She had to feel her own skin
Everytime he held her hands

If you would read my poems
and ask what they're about,
I would lie
and say
not you.

Slowly I am getting rid of
All the layers of smells in this bed.
I'm keeping my own this time.