Systematic and controlled,
Played my hand and the dice - they rolled,
The hurt and anger of the draw,
Left me as cold and empty as before,
So i believed in the 'live and learn',
But my soul was hunted down and burnt.

I dropped my eyes to conceal the fate,
Every turn i take, i take too late,
To see the clock ticking away,
I never thought i'd see the day,
The skyline changed to green and pink,
I realised i was the missing link.

Hell became heaven and heaven became hell,
I stood hoping to fall into the wishing well,
I needed to drown beneath the stars,
Or feel the weight of one thousand cars,
To die and give myself to darkness,
To free myself from all of this mess.

The devastation of my reflection,
Led me to my own rejection,
My eyes were forced to close themselves tight,
As i whisper sadness to my ears at night,
The love that once to me you gave,
Drifted to sea on a violent wave.

But i know that my loss will be your gain,
So let my kisses shower you like rain.

War is an antique invention,
But unlike an antique the value is worthless,
The only valuable assets are lost,
We **** and ****** the brains of souls and hearts,
Guts, blood, **** and ****,
Bones, flesh, teeth and nails,
All the arms and legs of death around,
Bodies challenged to decay under the suns' rays,
War is an antique invention.

War is an antique invention,
And just like an antique it's passed its sell-by date,
The only date to know; the funeral,
We ****, ****** and bury the evidence,
Mud, moss, grass and sand,
Six feet underground,
All the arms and legs stuffed in coffins,
Bodies challenged to rot and waste away like tears,
War is an antique invention.

Forgive me for not knowing,
How to stop the rain from falling,
Every time I try to see,
My eyes close, hurt won't let me be,
The puddle has grown in size,
I'm drowning from the sin of lies.

Forgive me for not screaming,
When I saw your senses leaving,
But the choice was never mine,
Pushed aside and left with a sign,
A riddle I could not solve,
I'm lost but the world still revolves.

Forgive me for staying cool,
Only know how to play the fool,
Forgive me for sleeping late,
I was so afraid of the hate,
Forgive me for feeling down,
I couldn't stand to be around.

I want to kiss your lips,
Hold your body close,
I want to take you down,
Where the light won't show,
I want to rock you slow,
Make love through the night,
I want to but you don't.

Don't you see that I love you?
Soft smile or a cheeky grin,
A beautiful shell shielding the warmth within,
Don't you see that I love you?
Deep in thought with sparkling eyes,
A wondrous kiss that suffocates my sighs.

Don't you see that I need you?
Tender skin and forceful hands,
A passionate grip that I can understand,
Don't you see that I need you?
Trusting soul and open heart,
An enduring love that will never dare part.

When you feel trapped by a hurting heart,
The tears fall out shouting out their words,
"I'm coming",
To the ground beneath I crumble,
As death takes it toll.

Beyond the dream is a place,
A land of gold,
A world of imagination,
Created beyond a dreamers conscious.

Beyond the dream I am gone,
I'm gone today,
To go to invention,
And become a castle of photos - smiling faces.

Beyond the drum,
Beyond the harp,
Beyond the lonely whistle,
Beyond the dream,
Beyond the thought,
Beyond the frightened nightmare.

Missed the smile on your face,
Kissed the rain away,
Watched the sunlight fall from grace,
As your heart beat faded away.

Left a strong impression,
Felt the road ahead,
Kept away all the tension,
But the tears - they just fell instead.

Clinging to a thread of hope,
When the mirror cracked to shards,
And the broken branch on which I lean,
Has fallen to the lake,
Where muddy waters cover my view,
I'm lost,
Missing without a clue.

If I told you that I love you,
You'd look at me as if I were mad,
But if I don't tell you,
Tears would roll and how I would feel sad,
You see, I can't explain the love inside,
It just grows and grows,
From time to time it changes direction,
And where it's headed no one knows,
But in my heart I know it's you,
The one I adore,
The one who makes me feel brand new,
My love it's you, my sweet cherub it's you.

When you have a blank page,
And you don't know what to write,
Just delve within your heart and soul,
Find a message of love,
Write it down,
Send it to me with haste,
So in reply I may say unto you...I love you.

Which hat shall I wear?
Entertainer?
Actor?
Dancer?
Controller?
Ring master?
Or shall I just be me?

Which shall I don?
Singer?
Comic?
Friend?
Blender?
Extra?
Or shall I just wear me?

Made up,
Disguised in a trance,
Pushed on,
Entered in a fear,
Laughed at.

Made up,
Disguised in a dance,
Pushed on,
Entered with a sneer,
Laughed at.

Meisha, can it ever be?
A love shared by two,
Nothing's more special,
Nothing's more divine,
If only you'd, my sweet, be mine.

Meisha, can it ever be?
A love we commit,
Nothing can be wrong,
Nothing can be bad,
Because our love, my love, is glad.

Here the ringing in my ear,
The distant hum of doom,
I know to avoid the stinging tail,
Of the bumblebee buzz flying in to view.

Eat the honey of the evil bug,
Who bringeth tastes divine to all,
Why must I fear the faint noise?
That surely brings only joy.

A sting it will not give,
For with its evil comes certain death,
A punishment severe,
For a cherished bumblebee dear.

Dinner for two,
Just us - me and you,
Romance and fine wine,
Maybe then you'll be mine,
Bow tie, top hat and tails,
This will surely never fail,
We belong together,
In heaven, bliss and love forever.

What came first?
The chicken or the egg?
For a chicken surely requires an egg to be,
But without a chicken an egg can't be laid,
What a predicament!
Hard to understand,
That a chicken could walk this land,
Without an egg, yet it stands.

What came first?
Reason or logic?
For there to be a reason we need logic behind it,
But without reason we cannot logically think,
What a situation!
Hard to believe,
That reason could be conceived,
Without logic to retrieve.

I feel the urge still,
But I cannot give in,
I can drink,
But should I allow myself to feel the flavour?

I like alcohol,
It likes me,
It's my friend,
It's my enemy,
But I can't live without it,
I can't live with it.

The photos of Iraq,
See soldiers smugly smiling,
Must be on crack.

The torture of the jailed,
Humiliated more than punished,
In glee how "the brave" wailed.

Soldiers for freedom and justice,
Think again and think,
Realise - illegality,
The pain, the torture.

The Arab world is our world too,
Don't be fooled or tricked,
Bush and Blair,
Utter *******,
Save the souls before the souls are turned,
Turned against our own.

"The camera never lies,
But liars may photograph."

The truth will out,
We will rock their world,
We will ruin their world,
We will break our world.

I have a clue,
The ****** was done,
And I know it was you who,
Committed the crime with a gun,
And in this flow; what say you?

"It's elementary dear Watson - dear Watson it's elementary."

Understanding my mind,
Thought through,
Thorough,
Complete and whole,
I am togetherness,
I am solid and soulful,
I am collected.

Red fire in my heart,
As I race to an orange paradise,
In which I can lay on yellow sands,
Never to be filled with green envy,
Blue and mournful I can never become,
Onwards we can dream to an indigo, subtle life,
With violet flowers leaning towards your veil.

Losing myself in your warmth,
Overbearing but utterly wonderful,
Vibrant and colourful is our passion,
Endless, ageless as a formation of raindrop colours.

Swallowed the tablet of joy,
I am sent,
Pushed to another place,
Of flying trees,
Visible breeze,
Red wine seas,
Swallowed the tablet of joy.

Ate the pill of doom,
I am shoved,
Thrown to a world of shadows,
Of stabbing thorns,
Attacking horns,
Darkened morns,
Ate the pill of doom.

Funny how an image moves,
Filled with bliss,
In a hallucinogenic kiss,
Turned and pulled,
Dragged underneath a vision,
Light is covered,
Heaven becomes hell,
And your life is shattered,
Broken as a shell.

Say farewell,
Say goodbye,
The end is nigh,
Don't cry,
When I die.

See just how his blood spills,
The man whose gun has failed in fear,
Fearful; afraid of his own power,
A soldier, a moral soldier,
On the search for safety.

See just how the war explodes,
Its aim lost in the midst of anger,
Angered; furiously fuelled by prejudice,
A battle; an illegal, out of control sight,
On the brink of hatred.

Cross the river, jump the stream,
Lean over and walk beyond the leaf,
As the vines capture your heart,
They strangle the emotion away,
Pained and tortured by life.

See just how the sky falls down,
As the moon ships out of town,
While the frog makes its own crown,
I'm slowly dying,
I'm slowly dying,
My soul is crying,
My soul is crying,
Nature kills,
Nature kills.

A kiss on the cheek,
As your arms encircle me,
A loving embrace,
I would never change a moment,
It's bliss.

A hand through your hair,
The deep chocolate falling loose,
Biting my soft skin,
I could never think of swapping,
It's bliss.

My body is high,
As it lay beneath her own,
We're becoming one,
I will never move an instant,
It's bliss.

The passion is hot,
As we rest **** with the stars,
The hands that won't part,
I shall never lose memories,
It's bliss.

Rise from a nightmare,
To see you smiling in sleep,
A calm peaceful glee,
We can never change you and me,
It's bliss.

No other worldly words can describe my life with you,
It's bliss.

Apple tree growing tall,
Stoops down to kiss the grass,
Sees his roots,
Sees his fallen leaves,
Sees his cuts, his sap, his blood.

Apple tree growing tall,
Stoops down to see his pain,
See his life,
See his broken bark,
See his anguish, his demise.

Once I've been told,
My feelings will not enhance your world,
Should I move on?
Should I continue my course?
Should I freeze here?
Should I stay by your side?

Will our friendship suffer?
Will our happiness be compromised?
Will I lose your love?
More love than I already lost, I lost it!
I mislaid the passion,
Or were you just unwilling to give it?

Like the wind
Flows to the sky,
You and I must try,
To escape hell,
To reach our goals.

Don't give in,
Don't give up,
Follow the crowds,
But stand tall and be proud,
Don't give in,
Don't give up.

Gentle blossom fallen,
Weighed down by the strength of morning dew,
Gentle blossom decaying,
Turning into the earth.

Pink shadows hidden,
Hiding below the rainfall,
Disguising the light that may uplift,
Just unknown eternity trapped in time - ruled by clocks.

Freedom,
Freedom to believe or not,
To choose to see with rose tinted vision,
To decide to conquer,
To decide to win and to fly,
A choice you can take but you break the laws of nature,
Never wave goodbye to an option,
The waves only crush when ordered to,
The sun only shines if it feels right,
Love to love, choose to choose,
Protect the choice to survive,
Or like the blossom you will fall,
You will die,
You will become the earth,
Un-praised dust.

If a child falls and scrapes his knees,
You comfort him,
If a baby says his first words,
You congratulate him,
If an adult cries at his failure,
You encourage him,
If a teenager asks you about life and ***,
You answer him.

Then why is it that when I fall you walk by?
Why is it when I speak you're dismissing me?
Why is it when I fail you smile?
Why is it when I ask you questions you refuse to answer?

I feel alone,
I feel alone,
I feel scared,
I feel scared,
See my shadow.
See a window,
See a chance,
Take a glance,
Then run,
Run from the gun,
Run to the sun,
Run to the light,
The light will grow bright,
Keep trying,
It's in sight,
I'll be alright,
I'll be alright.

The world is only diseased,
It's infected,
It's polluted,
Ignored the warnings for too long,
And now we're paying the price,
Say your farewells,
Hold your breath,
Close your eyes,
Say your goodbyes.

You took my heart and placed it in yours,
Like a locket kept it safe,
Felt the warmth of your love radiate around me,
Little dewdrops from heaven do fall,
A rose bud opens with glee.

Some things are worth fighting for,
Others we can forget,
Some things are worth dying for,
Others we can regret,
You're worth the fight,
You're worth the fall,
I'll never regret and I'll never forget,
A single moment spent with you.

Why am I no longer impressed by my invention?
It's only a facade...I know,
But it cuts deeper as the lies grow,
A lover,
A victim,
A villain,
A saint,
A queer,
A god,
I've been all I wanted to be,
Yet I never truly achieved this state,
Time to put down the rulebook,
Give up the dire life and find a new invention,
A reality that's all me.

Gather,
Gather,
Extra, extra,
Hear the news,
Elvis is dead.

Gather,
Gather,
Extra, extra,
Hear the news,
Monroe is dead.

Gather,
Gather,
Extra, extra,
Hear the news,
Diana's dead.

Gather,
Gather,
Extra, extra,
Hear the news,
Let's print others misery.

Gather,
Gather,
Extra, extra,
Hear the news,
Let's print before we let them grieve.

Never fall from the stars,
A determined ambition to collapse under the breeze,
When a flame dies from fear of light,
You can hear his silent cry in the dark.

The arrogance of loneliness,
It takes over me,
How can I break the chains of sadness?

A pill,
A drink,
A gun,
A cry,
A facade or potion to hide behind,
A fountain of laughter to cry inside of myself.

Motivation,
Aggravation,
Deprivation,
Chained and bound,
Will I ever be found?
I'm lost,
I'm lost,
I'm lost,
I'm lost forever.

I lost my mind demanding its place,
I lost my function and my will,
My will power,
My old flower,
My sweet's sour,
I can't cope with this.

I tried my soul in a courtroom,
I tried my disguise in public,
In the world,
In the shield,
In green fields,
I can't live this way.

I can dance,
I can act,
I can sing,
I am a clown.

Watch me dance and fall down,
Laugh at me,
Laugh with me,
I don't care for I am a clown.

Want to hear a joke?
Knock, knock and what do you get...?
An open door, a busy tent,
The ringmaster cracks his whip and on I run with the animals,
In time to the beat I tap my feet,
I am a clown.

I can cry,
I can feel,
I can laugh,
I am a clown.

Watch me sweep the spotlight,
Applaud when I'm done,
Applaud but not in awe,
I am a clown.

Am I the only person who doesn't get the gag?
Am I the only puppet person?
Pull my strings and I'll do what you want me to,
I am a clown,
But I don't feel the laughter that you do,
It's hard to laugh - so on with the make-up - a front.

Oh, to climb the ladder and do the trapeze,
Or walk the high wire,
But no!  I am a clown,
Respect?
"Sorry you're a clown."

I gave up,
I gave in,
Gave my all,
But I am a clown.

Don't bother to watch the tears,
Disregard the sad clown,
Disregard the talent of farce,
"You're a clown, you don't feel."

The darkroom is where I belong,
On a photo to bring joy, to make people laugh,
I make you laugh - I can command you,
But I know that when you go home,
Your lips won't mention me except to condescend,
It's an art! I trained at RADA you know.

So home I go,
Alone,
To a place where I can cry,
Into the arms of my wife,
See my children run to me,
The ones who know me,
That's what it's all been for,
Now I truly am a smiling clown,
It's not so bad as a clown at home.

I don't care if it rains,
I don't care if it snows,
I don't care about anything,
Anything but myself.

I don't care if you cry,
I don't care if you scream,
I don't care about anything,
Anything but my pain.

I don't care about you,
I don't care about me,
I don't care about nobody,
Nobody but just me.

I don't care,
I can't care,
I won't care.

When people look at you in that way,
Don't be offended,
It's only because they see you smiling and laughing,
They wonder why,
They wonder how one person can achieve the incomprehensible,
When they're alone.

It's an envious look,
They are envious of what you have,
I'm sure you've glared like this,
It's an envious look,
An envious look will lead to an envious love.

When a candle dies out,
The wax remains; forever marking the end of an era,
Hours of light and bliss,
Victorian darkness,
Don't run from your fear - stare into the eyes of an evil,
And turn his leaf when he has not the strength to do so.

It's an envious love they try to create,
See your passion and yearn for years,
And create, and invent it,
It's unreal,
It's fake,
Learn how to love a single truthful way.

Do not deviate from your own course,
Do not quit the desire of Indian dreams,
Do not try to seek someone else's path,
Go your own way,
And hold your hope tightly in view,
Treasure each trinket, each truth, each treasure, each tiny tumble on the way.

CHRISTMAS PARADISE

The table was filled with lots of things to eat,
Mince Pies, Stuffing, Turkey and many other meats,
A candle in the centre to flicker out its gold,
A special time for all of us to cherish and to hold.

Everyone pulls a ******* and wears their hats with pride,
As they sit around the burning logs warming all inside,
But through the window they can see a chestnut skating on the ice,
It tries to break through the frozen sheet to a Christmas paradise.

The singers are singing their tunes of Christmas dreams,
So that everybody's hearts and eyes can gleam,
The ribbon that will lie stretched out across the floor,
Will be forever engraved to our minds and deep within our core.

From every house along their street giggling can be heard,
And silent prayers are spoken but God hears every word,
To sprinkle merriment upon their place if only for one day,
So that they can celebrate Christmas in their own special way.

ONE ENCHANTED DAY

I looked from the window on a misty Christmas morn,
The fog was thicker than it had ever been before,
It was cold and quiet and all around my house,
Nothing appeared cheerful not even the decorated tree,
The fairy she looked glumly down,
And the baubles hung their heads in shame,
The tinsel draped all carelessly among the fading lights,
Above the fire there stood one solitary card from someone I once knew.

Around the foot of my Christmas tree not a gift awaited me,
Santa forgot to visit and it all seems so lonely,
I was beginning to despair that this was just another day,
But along came an angel and this she said to me,
I'll give you a tree with decorations so bright and a mantle full of cards,
If you'll enjoy this special day with every inch of your heart,
And so now my Christmas is full of cheer, saved from heartbreak and despair,
I thank the moon and all the stars for my one enchanted day.

SANTA HOPPED ONTO HIS SLEIGH

Santa hopped onto his sleigh with his sack of treats,
Working hard and happy to deliver to the streets,
He carried with him gifts of gold, gifts of card and gifts of cheese,
In answer to the kiddies� wishes for around their Christmas trees.

Santa hopped onto his sleigh pulled by Reindeers strong,
There was Comet and there was Blitzen on his journey long,
Rudolph led the team of merry deer, his nose a shiny red,
While Santa glided down the chimneys - the children still in bed.

Santa hopped onto his sleigh running as fast as he could,
With Donner, Dancer and ***** he knew they'd do what they should,
Old Dasher and Reindeer Cupid flew Santa to the skies,
So that to every little girl and boy he could bring a surprise.

Santa hopped onto his sleigh with thoughts for everyone,
He knew he had to finish soon as he saw the rising sun,
High into the clouds they soared leaving only a jangling bell,
Removing all traces of his presence so that no one on Earth could tell.

SPARE A THOUGHT

As you sit there feeding your face full of seconds and thirds,
And opening gifts that you may not deserve,
There is a place where Santa won't go,
The doorways and steeples with people freezing below,
They only know its Christmas because the streets are so bare,
But on this day of happiness - who will show them some care?

So spare a thought this Christmas, spare a thought please do,
Spare a thought this Christmas for those less fortunate than you.

As we sit here laughing and falling asleep before the screen,
And eating lots more pudding - some with extra cream,
There is a place where Reindeer won't tread,
In the shelters and the hideaways filled with loneliness and dread,
They heard about a Christmas in a "once upon a time",
But on this day of indulgency - who will put their own greed on the line?

So spare a thought this Christmas, spare a thought please do,
Spare a thought this Christmas for those less fortunate than you.

As you secretly think of the things Christmas didn't bring to you,
And thinking of seasonal games for you to play and do,
There is a place so lost that Santa cannot find,
Just a box of cardboard where hope gets left behind,
They were told that Christmas was just around the corner,
It's a day that never comes - who will stand and be more than a mourner?

So spare a thought this Christmas, spare a thought please do,
Spare a thought this Christmas for those less fortunate than you.

So spare a thought this Christmas, spare a thought please do,
Spare a thought this Christmas for those less fortunate than you.

STOCKINGS

Timmy had a stocking hung from his bedroom door,
He wished that it be filled with things he'd never had before,
Maybe a toy soldier beating his drum,
Maybe a model sailor drinking his bottle of ***,
He hoped for a motorcar that could speed around his house,
Or maybe a cuddly toy the image of Mickey Mouse.

He hoped that Father Christmas would bring something for his mum,
Maybe a freshly baked cake or something filled with plum,
A brand new box of magic tricks for my brother Sam,
And a gift for dad to show how grateful I really am,
And Timmy hoped that his dog wouldn't be missed out,
Cause Rover would be sad and blue on Christmas day, no doubt.

Timmy was always thinking of others not only of himself,
That�s why he left a small token for Santa on the shelf,
There was plate filled with cookies - the ones with the choc-chip,
And there was some brandy to keep out the cold - just a little nip,
He also left a bag of many little snacks,
For all the hungry reindeer that'd help fly Santa back.

THE MEANING OF THIS CHRISTMAS

As you huddle beneath your Christmas tree,
Amidst a flame of warmth,
Opening presents, sharing presents, and sharing laughter too,
Remember the meaning of this Christmas is love and joy - peace, happiness for you.

Try to know the story of a baby that was born,
In a manger bed from a woman pure as snow,
Her husband he watched lovingly,
As he calmly cooled her brow.

On that starry night three wise travellers appeared,
Bearing gifts of golden wonder,
Without a need for return,
They sought only a moment with a new life that to this Earth He placed.

And now two thousand years away,
Let's try to recall the message of Christmas,
As we fill our plates with plenty - turkey and chocolate treats,
Singing carols and dancing alive with glee.

Try not to be contented with an overwhelming greed,
Look within your heart and see what you really need,
Is it music? Is it toys? Is it the latest craze?
Learn to embrace a loved one without a possession haze.

Hear the silent footsteps of the men, who travelled all night,
See the snowflakes drifting down from the heavens above,
A reminder to us all,
The meaning of this Christmas my dear, it must be love.

THE ROBIN

Is it the distant whisper of a thousand tiny bells?
Or is it the carolling that tells us when it starts?
I wish for the knowledge from many wishing wells,
I now know when Christmas arrives from the beating of my heart.

It's the day when first you see a robin perched upon a tree,
When you hear his little chirping from a snow covered branch,
You'll see his red breast moving in time with your heartbeat so free,
Be it snowy, be it wet, be it sunny, be it cold - I'll know from the robin on my ranch.

He comes my way each Christmas week and settles in his nest,
It's then I'll know that my sweet family will arrive,
And bring with them such hilarity that makes me truly blessed,
So I raise up my eyes to God and give thanks that I'm alive.

THE SNOWMAN COMES TO LIFE

Little Josephine spent yesterday outside,
She darted through the streets feeling snow under foot,
Her face shone out delight; her smile couldn't hide,
Nothing could ***** the blanket of white not even the blackness of soot,
So she found a silent spot, a space open wide,
A place to build her snowman, where he could always stay put.

She built him high and tall, as tall as her legs would allow,
She made him round and whole with a face that looked so proud,
Now the snow had settled down, it lay upon the bough,
She drew his eyes from coal and a mouth to laugh aloud,
She gave him nose of carrot, hat and scarf but darkness fell and go, she had to now,
She told the snowman she'd return tomorrow, this with crossed heart she vowed.

Home she ambled to her sleepy room to lay down her sweet head,
In her silent sleep that night the wondrous dreams she had,
She saw her snowman come to life and dance, not sit, around instead,
She watched him smile and seeing him fly - it all just made her glad,
In her books and stories a tale like this she'd never read,
She knew it was a dream yet she wasn't sad, the visions she saw were good - not bad.

Little Josephine returned the very next day,
Her snowman was gone the sunshine was here,
Her eyes welled up - her tongue no words to say,
The hat and scarf still on the ground showed nothing was to fear,
For in her mind she knew he'd visit - he would find a way,
If he couldn't get back inside, she'd made memories to recall each and every year.

TWO LOVERS HOLDING HANDS

Two lovers holding hands across the table,
Share this Christmas time,
Something simple no fancy foods,
Not concerned with wine,
They focus on the laughter, on the pleasure of this day,
As their smiles intertwine.

They take an elegant candle and place it in the mud,
They light the wick and out its fire shines bright,
There material belongings for which they will not care,
As they rest their heads on the carpet of endless white,
Holding each other tight they'll gaze beyond the stars,
Nothing will matter as their souls become one this Christmas night.

Two lovers holding hands for eternity,
Sharing each Christmas time,
Something precious and something true,
No concerns for design,
They focus on the sharing, on the wonder of each day,
As their lives will suddenly be defined.

Watch as the hours fly by,
While i sit and stare from my window,
The raindrops keep on falling,
Like the tears that are staining my eyes,
Creating a hundred fears.

Afraid of the riverbed,
The flowing tide of embers burning my soul,
Tantalising my evil, encouraging my sins,
Gone missing in a whirlpool,
The whirlpool of devastation that i make.

I look at paintings on the walls,
Some big and some small,
Each tells a story of light and dark,
Each tells the story of a type of heart,
Be it broken,
Be it fixed,
Be it mending,
Be it in bits,
I look at paintings on the walls,
Some bright and some dull,
Each tells a story of life and death,
Each tells the story of their own journey,
Be it bumpy,
Be it slick,
Be it punishing,
Be it in bliss,
I look at paintings on the wall,
But still i can't see,
Where is the one that stares back at me?