I am starting to arrive
At MYSELF,
Finally tasting
The fruits
Of self care and
Self-help.

That supportive voice
I started to hear
Took years of work
To appear.

Now I am blessed
With warmth in my chest,
It's all I ever needed
And some rest.

I want to have you by my side
To share with you every insight
Is that too much to ask of us?
I really wish that we will last.

I feel a creative flow,
And something I haven't yet explored,
With you,
We can have a strong foundation,
I feel there can be more than imagination.

Dullness from our daily lives,
Distance is not how relationships thrive,
Feeling connection with you,
Your smile is soo beautiful, too.

I wanna hide because I feel so seen,
My mind is going crazy in between,
I want to be the perfect one for you,
But seeking perfection is committing to doom.

Entangled in insecurity, ready to give everything,
To build a life I really want to live,
And a relationship full of love and belief.

A few really good friends,
Room for ideas,
Maybe animals, too,
One for me, one for you,

Mostly I just want peace,
Feeling warm exciting breeze,
On my skin, everyday,
Meeting every sun ray,

Holding hands, yours in mine,
Our hearts intertwined,
Happily walking home,
After the day is done.

There's a decision to make
I gotta make it straight
Always look on the now
Never look back somehow
I am analyzing too much
Don't feel free to keep in touch
Heart is worried, feared of breaking
Heavy is the breath I'm taking
It was long ago that I
Lost my truth up in the sky
Every sparkle, it depended
On the stars that you made shine
I hoped that love never be ended
But how to know without to try

In my life
Love comes in tides, it seems,
Hungry is my temperament.

Yep, I put a ribbon on everything,
Trying to be grateful.

But the light in this lighthouse
Is turning way too fast

Fear sits right beneath my chin
Breathing shallow

Endless desire to control
Intertwines body and soul

Though neither will surrender.

Insanely insane
No program in brain
No chain to attain
No page to stain

No need to repeat
Issues to reheat
The past doesn't last
Anyway

Speculation is ******
And the son of disorder
Like a drama recorder
Playing again and again

The anxiety's claws
From the head to the toes
In a circle it goes
Reoccurring pain

Maybe me calling my problem a problem is the problem.

There is nothing wrong about aging. We all have been aging since we came to life. To exist means to age.

When we communicate and we don't feel seen - we may tend to intensify and overemphasize certain aspects. We identify stronger with them which makes them seem insurmountable and unchangeable. This is when we try to prove something.

A belief is a thought I believe in.
Only thoughts that we believe in become our beliefs.

Problems usually come from us wanting to change too much in the external world instead of looking within.

I want to see who I really am, not who I thought I was because of my conditioning and history.

Failures are weird things: They don't feel great but they are great!

Love means to be here.

I can think many different and contrary things. But I choose what I believe.

People have a very sensitive nature. The seemingly insensitive people are actually very hurt people.

What eventually counts is not how much somebody loves me but how much I can love myself.

I am not the one who thinks. I am the one who perceives.

I've been wasting energy in various ways.
Especially in certain thought patterns and internal fights in my mind.

Experiences can be beautiful, fun, uncomfortable, awkward and embarrassing at the same time.

Now I understand how relationships oftentimes made me stop progressing and growing. I tried to stay the same deliberately because I was afraid they would stop loving me if I changed.

No, I don't know
What love is
At all.

I am wondering
And my soul
Is about to fall

What is love
Why is love
And why are we all?

Are these simply questions of a depressed mind?
Maybe.
But also of one that is trying to find

Reasons
To live and to feel and to love.
Again.
More
And more honestly than ever.

Searching is my current state.
It's rather stuck, but does vibrate
Uncomfortably under my ribs
Where the deepest of feelings should be

Instead I am mostly inhibiting my head
But I want to learn to change that
My body needs more of my attention
I need to connect
To reconnect I guess.

I noticed there is a big gap
Between my soul, my head, my body..
It is as if I am existing in parts.

Maybe it's true cause energy is divided
Maybe.

I don't really know much
My focus recently has been very shallow
I guess I lost other people's touch
The human connections with fellows

They matter. Society matters.
This is where love meets me
But rarely.

I did experience hate though
In groups.
No body came to save me

But that's over, isn't it?
Or do I still have to learn to trust?

Am I still so influenced by it?
That I'd rather deny myself
Than to accept
That someone might not like
Sth about me instead.

Why is it so bad?
How to get rid of this weird energy.
How to find a way to be finally free.
I am not even begging for materialistic freedom.
I just want to be able to decide
How my life is gonna be
Where I am gonna be
And in each and every moment
What is actually right for me?

I know I overstepped some boundaries
And I will overstep even more
There are boundaries I overstep unwillingly
And there's others that I knowingly ignore.

One simple thought
Igniting a wildfire
One match that turns
A whole world upside down
We can pretend that it's not there
It will burn deeper
Cause it doesn't care
A domino effect
That's hard to stop
It's a blind spot
No way to grasp it,
Change it,
Make it disappear...
The more we fight,
The stronger it'll persevere,
The more alive it is,
Contagious pain
And identification
Will keep on breaking trust
And sending us
Into a black hole
Of intoxication.

I remember us
We talked. We laughed
We were happy to have each other
We have trusted one another
And I never thought
This might end.

I remember how
We spent so much time together
We talked about everything
Being open books to one another
And I never could imagine
This might end.

I remember those long nights
After having said "sleep well"
We were still talking about this and that
Even though both very tired the next day
We always did it again and again
And I never believed
This might end.

I remember being so happy with you
Laughing so much that it hurt
Trusting you, being there for you
Always wanting to keep that forever
-
Years and years. And at first
Our friendship grew stronger.
But having reached the highest point
The time and space became our enemies.
I never expected
This to have an end.

I know deep inside you understand
But you stopped chasing those good memories
Still it was hard for me to let them go
...
Anyway I just wanted to let you know
All my secrets and thoughts
All my losses and pains
I wanted to share with you
What was in my heart, in my veins
But you lost the belief in us
And we couldn't keep the trust

And I never again got to know
About how you feel deep inside
What you actually think in your mind
How you feel about losing your best friend
Because now our friendship seemed to end

And I always blamed the circumstances
But I knew that you changed a lot
So maybe if you didn't let go off
We could still make it through everything
Just how we used to do it once before -
When I never could imagine
This might end.

It is time
To let go soon
But I am not ready

It is time
To forget
But I won't

It is time
Time flows by
Now it's running
Out

It is time
But for me
There's no doubt

It is time
Fact's a feeling
Emotions

It is time
So revealing
But tense

It is time
Never jumped
Into the ocean

It is time
You became
My best friend

It is time
To finish
All the plans

It is time
And for us
There's no chance

It is time
And the future
Will bring more

It is time
I can't tell you
What for

It is time
I am wondering
How strong

It is time
The emotions
Have been

It is time
It is beautiful
Though

It is time
I won't forget
About it

It is time
And I have
To say goodbye

It is time
And it's difficult
Sometimes

IT IS TIME
But I don't wanna
Let go

It is time
I just wanted to
Let you know

I thought
I got over it
But you are still here
I thought I forgot
But I didn't
I thought
I was through with you
But you simply stayed
I thought I asked you
To leave my heart
More than once till today

I thought
But obviously
I was wrong
I didn't know
That I still longed
For the smile
And the touch
That you gave
Someone
But me
I asked for something
That was far too much
And never meant to be

I like to think of it
This way:
You're not the one,
I like to say,
Because the one
The real, the true
He's meant to stay

And that's not you.

It's okay to feel lonely and abandoned sometimes.

It's ok to make mistakes, ask for help and to not know.

It's ok to sometimes fall out of balance.
Out of flow like a leaf that gets stuck somewhere between branches or stones.
A minute ago this leaf was flying graciously like a butterfly but it lost its balance and got stuck. Squeezed between some objects.
Now it has to stop worrying. To look around and to breath. "Where am I?" it says. "A minute ago I was flying carelessly like a beautiful butterfly 🦋 and now...?" it thinks.
"It's ok to lose your balance sometimes" it hears an unfamiliar voice. "It happens so that you can stop and look around for a moment. It happens so that you can appreciate what is here now. Breath, relax. Soon enough you will fly again."

🙏

Or maybe... the balance gets restored when I lose my fast pace for a minute?

It's ok to feel angry and to feel desperate about things.

It's ok to smile at people.

It's ok to feel discomfort in the body.

It's ok to feel it all.

I am just searching for someone
To fall in love with
Because it is that feeling
That I miss.

Just watching to see
Just coming to breath
Just listening to be
Just living to explore
What is behind that shore?
Each moment brand-new
For me and for you
All roadmaps abondoned
I am on my own
Being guided by NOW
Seeing what's gonna show.

Interesting how everything evolves
You lose yourself to
Find your Self again
Knocking on a door
That was never there
Trying to defeat yourself
When nothing attacks
Forcing positivity to come
Even when you know
In a neutral world
No regrets no doubts
No fears no thoughts
Should upset a creature like You.
Hiding automatically behind
A milky blurry glass of uncertainty
Waiting for the right step to step

But what if you change your attitude and stop to wonder too much about this nonexistent negativity
Change your mind set and embrace this very moment

Sounds of laughter
What a joy
Sounds of sadness
Not a toy
Laughing hard
At someone's bad
Keep an eye on you instead

Let's take a mindful walk and reset our mindset.

Let's be grateful for that one moment today which made us smile.

Let's put that phone away and stretch our bodies.

Let's immerse ourselves in this moment here and now.
For we don't know when this time may be over.
Let's feel it all and let go of our doubt.
Life is too short and our thoughts too loud.

Sometimes it's worth it to dive deeply into
Whatever shows for you today,
Take all you can, this moment is unique to you,
The harder you think the farther it may be away.

Expectations, expectations,
Can I drop you for a while?
I don't mean it bad or vicious,
I just need a relaxed mind.

I don't really need your pressure,
Since it holds me back a lot,
Can I please enjoy this moment?
Cause it's everything I got!

If you wanna laugh -
                                   Laugh!

If you wanna cry -
                                   Cry!

If you wanna love -
                                   Love!

But if you wanna die -
                                   Don't...

Sometimes I am scared to write those words
I hear in dark clouds hiding
Fear and restlessness are blinding
Stuck within my heart a universe
Of thoughts, a truth, a curse,
A worry and 1001 catastrophic stories,
Images of events that have never taken place,
Fake but seem real, I believe it still...
Once again I gave in,
Drowning I found myself in painful thoughts,
Scratching my chest under my skin,
Heaviness spreads it's poisonous roots...
What does surrender even mean
If not to write a poem?
I keep on observing the within,
I hope to find answers therein...

I am not gonna write how it is
to lose. A friend. Again
It's the physical closeness
That we miss
I miss to hold your hand.

I am not gonna write how sad
I felt, when I said goodbye.
Because these thoughts and feelings are able
to make me emotional and cry.

I am not gonna describe
How I lost something together with you
As if I was separated in two
And you took one part of myself with you.



... and still I do.

Love yourself
Love everyone
Love life
Love being
On your own
Share love
Share hope
Share happiness
Be loved and love
Cause that's the best!

Meditation, meditation
Meant to be healthy vibration,
Diving deep into the now
Losing every form somehow.

Feeling guilty
I neglected
My long meditations.

Feeling overwhelmed
Many tasks
In my head.

I am now avoiding
My own self-
Confronting.

Wanting peace
Still.
To know how I feel.

I am myself but
Ugly.
And maybe that's
Why I feel sick.

Sick of playing some role
To everyone around me.

"You're so beautiful, nice."
"You're an angel", they say.

But they don't know that I
Struggle every day.

I should be so grateful
For my physical health.
So thanks.

But I am disappointed
By having panic attacks.

Breathing gets very shallow,
Sometimes I lose control,
In my mind many thoughts,
I feel lost and alone.

Hundreds pieces
Are called Me.
But who manages it all?

Sometimes I want to hide
In a warm dark safe place
Where nobody sees me
And I don't need to be
Anyone.

I don't need to play
Any role.

I can call this place
My home.

I can feel whole
On my own.

Where I hold myself
When I am worried.

And I tell myself
Different stories.

Where I truly believe
In love.

Where I feel
As though I was enough.

The path you take
The choice you make
It's all your decision
It's all your own vision

Cause everything's possible
This everything's now
It is what it is
You never know how

But if you believe
You can make a difference
And what a relief
This knowledge might bring
Just try everything
Try to do it your way
Let this be your one,
Your only experience

Remember that day
You look back on life
You see what it brings
You're staying alive

The difference
It's there
No one can deny
You made it,
You can
You are satisfied
 :)

My heart is crying loudly
I am ignoring it unknowingly
It has one million of words to say and scream

Why is this so hard
I am so disappointed.
Looking for light
And still not knowing what the point is.
Everyone is going to die in the end.
We all try to reach something special, my friend.

And till we die there is no correct measurement
To our life and it's success or our regret.