How likes sometimes dicatate me my self worth...
But I'm a rebel and I had enough.
From now on what I like - that counts for me.
That way I'll hopefully learn to be free.

Uncovering
Undercover
Ideas

I recover
From long madness
Called N-U-M-B-N-E-S-S

Held me in
For too long
Behind bars
Made of steel
Of fears

F-E-A-R-S

Instead of
TEARS

I wished many times
I could feel SADNESS
But all I felt was
NOTHINGNESS
And nothing else

Then I looked precisely
At the NOTHINGNESS
And found everything
Hidden in there.

Not only SADNESS
and NEGATIVITIES
But even HAPPINESS
and POSITIVITIES

I found new POSSIBILITIES
And the NOTHINGNESS
Became EVERYTHINGNESS

just like the colour WHITE
consists of all the other colours
Combined.

Trust the process. They say.
But what if I am the process?
Anyway, my mind is directing my actions,
My body's the one to obey.
But shouldn't it be in a vice versa way?

To listen to the body, for a change.
I can imagine that, but can I manage that?
The body knows the healthy way,
Why should my mind lead instead?

Back to the roots, they say.
I weren't there, I state.
I cannot know for sure,
The origin of human way.

Does the body ever speak to me though?
Oh, I'm sure it at least sometimes whispers.
Don't eat that sugarfilled product, you,
I need simply more oxytocin.

This one weak voice, you can realize,
If you pay attention very closely,
Our bodies miss the human touch,
But we feed it with chocolate, almost chocking.

Our bodies miss sports, exercise,
Do you feel, how your muscles get weaker?
Get out there, for a fresh morning run,
Your body will be happier much quicker.

Let your health be the leader of your day,
Listen to your inner body's voice,
It has every minute-hour, much to say,
It's about life, for what it's worth.

Our bodies miss love,
Our mind's blown away,
Shouldn't we listen up,
And give our bodies a say?

Numb?
No actually better already,
Painful?
halfway, not full I suppose.
Thought I was so very aware,
Turned out, I didn't know half of the truth.

Fears chasing me, yet again.
And I try to stay in the moment,
Maybe that was the mistake,
I held on to it, with force.

I was convinced, my inner state,
Must feel all pure and harmonious,
Every time I have made it into the
Present moments.
But very possible I was wrong,
And I covered my fears with an image,
Of how I would think,
A moment in human's life should feel.

Sounds bit complicated, I know.
But I know what I talk about.
I am tired of hiding the unpleasant,
I better live with, not without it.

In fact without it, that's not possible.
At least till I have cleared it up.
It can't disappear, it's emotional,
And I used to cover it up.

It was a part of my perfect thinking,
I idealized myself,
In my view, I am a real warrior,
A hero for the weak and dead,
I put this expectation on myself,
I carried it around like a shield,
And though no arrow really got to me,
I still got traumatized, stopped to feel.
In fact behind the shield I was just hiding,
I hid my fears, my worries beneath,
I am still very sure that they're my weaknesses,
I tried to be different, and the result was this.

I truly stopped to feel real pain,
I fell to ashes and got up again,
But through the journey,
I lost who I was,
And my humanity got lost.

Now I am standing here,
My shield, still in my hand,
But I have made a hole,
To look through it instead.

I am not ready to uncover,
How damaged I am underneath,
I am not ready to discover,
My truth and my uncertainties.

I'm wounded, but I am alive.
I see it although I still hide,
Under the shield,
A perfect game,
The sun, the rain,
They're all the same,
No light comes in,
And storms stay outside,
But I am here to live,
And I have to decide,
Can I let the illusion go,
Am I ready to meet with my soul,
Am I ready to show the world,
Who I am and who I'm actually not?

Truly, I didn't even know,
I held this shield through it all,
I just saw it in my hand and realized,
I am not as much a hero, as I fantasized.

In fact I feel really hurt and blind,
For the waking up is cutting within
At the same time I realize,
It is time to let life and light in.

It is a very small, though heavy step to make.
I am still shaking insecurely, I have fears.
I need more courage now,
Than I ever had,
And I'm glad, that now I understand that.

Expectations, expectations,
Can I drop you for a while?
I don't mean it bad or vicious,
I just need a relaxed mind.

I don't really need your pressure,
Since it holds me back a lot,
Can I please enjoy this moment?
Cause it's everything I got!

No way, no face to look at,
No touch to dive into,
No taste of sweetness,
No electrifying feelings.

No time to give to,
No one to give the time to either.
No tension, despite of illusions.
No hope, only dellusions.

Happy thoughts aren't stable, no more.
Just impulsive, in circles they go.
Chased by fear, just like every emotion,
Drowning in the cold deep ocean...

Of Loneliness, Searching and Hoping,
But senseless,
The belief is gone.
I held onto it, for too long.

The focus now is on what matters.
But isn't what should matter - love?
It's complicated. Self-love is the basis.
Is it? My way is lost and I am standing here.
Wondering.
Love drips down from my fingertips,
A few more seconds and I let it slip.

I gotta do something against
The pressure I am putting on myself
I can't bear this weight on my chest
I need to break free and to rest.

Outside
Of all
Them
Senseless
EXPECTATIONS

I am just searching for someone
To fall in love with
Because it is that feeling
That I miss.

To lose yourself
Is scary

As not to know
The way

You see a million directions
And you're afraid to choose

You're overanalyzing
Lose touch to any feeling

You're transparent like a ghost
There's no sense in your existence

You see no sense at all.

Like a trombone
The sound of pain in mind
Your brain gets hurt
You're stuck

Can barely breath
Why breath at all?
If you're a ghost

You're scaring, hurting others.
What a shame.

Who will be ever able to love you?
It mustnt be true, it must be a game.

He is trying hard
He could just give up
But no, he stays strong,
He keeps moving on.

I am not gonna write how it is
to lose. A friend. Again
It's the physical closeness
That we miss
I miss to hold your hand.

I am not gonna write how sad
I felt, when I said goodbye.
Because these thoughts and feelings are able
to make me emotional and cry.

I am not gonna describe
How I lost something together with you
As if I was separated in two
And you took one part of myself with you.



... and still I do.

Done blaming myself
Want to give myself love
That I deserve

Been fake
And treating badly myself
For far too long

Done being harsh with myself
I wanna grow
Although accepting myself
For who I am

I see the light in my eyes
I just woke up
Now I again recognize
My love and soul

I wanna give me the strength
I'm gonna need
I will be there for myself
From now on
Again

I won't be afraid
Of losing myself
Because
I'm here

I stop crusading myself,
I am still here

I see the light
In my eyes
It makes believe
I see the sun
And the moon
And I can breath

<3

Precious time
Great ideas
I am using these

I don't want
To lose them
Make them useless

Automatically
Planning out
Creativity
Is the ground

No illusions
Can be found
No strategic
Or deep wounds

Truth is happiness
With no fear
And creations are
Its best friends

Beautiful
Nice to hear
This is how this short poem
Ends

What would death feel like?
Strong and mighty...
Like a fight?
Neutral ignorant
Maybe
Or just fearful
Not to be

Would it maybe
Rather be
Happy and relaxed
Or isn't it for us
To see how long it lasts?

Is there something like pre-death
Just to put us to the test
To see the reaction beneath
To examine if we are ready

It is possible
That death is a new start
Some do believe in it
It's not too hard
But tough
Is to assume
That nothing will follow
Nor time nor space no room
All in one swallowed

And I think to myself
If that's what death is like
Do we even have to worry
To die in a certain glory
Or too young or too soon
Because if nothing follows
Then the you disappears
In a moment with all fears
And if you don't feel
You are not alive
So death might be less crucial
Than we're used to assume
Our attitudes, opinions will be gone
Our feelings all disappear on their own
And with them our very own soul
Which might continue its adventure
In a different creature.

You either struggle or you don't
This is your own decision
The way you look at things along
You build up your own vision

Please tell yourself that nothing ever
Should make you worry in this way
No one should ever get the power
To make you sad and not okay

It's hard sometimes cause we believe
This one is the one out of many
But do we want this person still
To make us feel really unhappy?

I can't calm myself
No can't
There is something in me
I don't understand
I just want to get home
To forget?
Too much
It blocks out everything
I am tired, worn out
Miss my health
Have to find a way out
Times and times again
Don't forget to smile
Don't worry and don't cry
Times and times again
You deserve to be happy my friend

Happy
Tonight
Feeling
Alright
After long time
Here we go

Happy to hear
Listen to me
Very important
I know

Loving
Myself
Embracing
The world
This is what life
Is about

Happy to see
Happy to be
This
lovely
Truth
Makes
Me proud

I remember us
We talked. We laughed
We were happy to have each other
We have trusted one another
And I never thought
This might end.

I remember how
We spent so much time together
We talked about everything
Being open books to one another
And I never could imagine
This might end.

I remember those long nights
After having said "sleep well"
We were still talking about this and that
Even though both very tired the next day
We always did it again and again
And I never believed
This might end.

I remember being so happy with you
Laughing so much that it hurt
Trusting you, being there for you
Always wanting to keep that forever
-
Years and years. And at first
Our friendship grew stronger.
But having reached the highest point
The time and space became our enemies.
I never expected
This to have an end.

I know deep inside you understand
But you stopped chasing those good memories
Still it was hard for me to let them go
...
Anyway I just wanted to let you know
All my secrets and thoughts
All my losses and pains
I wanted to share with you
What was in my heart, in my veins
But you lost the belief in us
And we couldn't keep the trust

And I never again got to know
About how you feel deep inside
What you actually think in your mind
How you feel about losing your best friend
Because now our friendship seemed to end

And I always blamed the circumstances
But I knew that you changed a lot
So maybe if you didn't let go off
We could still make it through everything
Just how we used to do it once before -
When I never could imagine
This might end.

I thought
I got over it
But you are still here
I thought I forgot
But I didn't
I thought
I was through with you
But you simply stayed
I thought I asked you
To leave my heart
More than once till today

I thought
But obviously
I was wrong
I didn't know
That I still longed
For the smile
And the touch
That you gave
Someone
But me
I asked for something
That was far too much
And never meant to be

I like to think of it
This way:
You're not the one,
I like to say,
Because the one
The real, the true
He's meant to stay

And that's not you.

Once upon
A time
A King
Spoke in a
Rhyme:
"Tonight Folks,
You will not believe
I'll show you
Something very deep
Inside of me
The secret is
Too hard to keep...
Too long have
I waited to speak
It out loud."

everyone
in the crowd
listened excitedly
to the royalty
speaking in clarity:
"My dearest crowd"

everyone bowed
to the King's Sound

As he went on:
"What's meant to be
Is what is nature's will.
For what feels right
Is what is real"

the people stood still...
waiting for more
the King being nervous
they couldn't ignore...
While he took a deep breath in
and scratching his chin let them know:

"So friends, I'll tell you
What I mean...
From now on
I will be your Queen."

Strange
Emotions
Call
Strange
Thoughts
And stay
Not knowing
Where to go
Or what the purpose is
They either question things
Or set up a confusion
And in the end
I realize that
All those thoughts
Were an illusion

this is my conclusion

She sat there
Morning, 10 o'clock
A gray tanktop
A pair white socks
Dark yoga pants
And sun kissed skin
A few blond stripes
Brown, straight hair in between
The smell of her perfume
That heavy and sweet
Makes you wanna stay
Wanna bite on your lip
A pony tail hanging
And dancing around
Her head which is slowly
Turning around
Those eyes, for a moment
I don't recognize
I only feel my heart
Fall down and arise
The lips, full of glory
Adding to the face
A shameless expression
Makes me wonder what taste...
She sets up a question
With no single sound
She's waiting for action
My heartbeat is loud
She gets up -
Her eyes even closer to mine
And all I can do is
Watching them shine
She finally moves slowly her mouth
And makes her lovely voice come out
"What's wrong with you, baby?"
She's stroking my cheek
As soft her hand as gentle streak
I wish I could have said something
But now she seemed so sad and weak
I didn't want to upset her
I must have done something wrong
That made her feel bad
And this made me mad
I hated myself for an instant...

It was today that she told me...
And I had no idea.
She made me a cup of black tea
And told me - I had amnesia

You're a thief
You're stealing all my thoughts
You're a butcher
Tearing me apart
You're my muse
For you're my inspiration
You're my alarm
I wake up to your vibration
You're like space
So huge but not to see
You're the sun
You're blinding me
You're my favorite song
It's your voice I hear
This flowering fragrance
When you appear
You're the one for a dance
And to give a kiss
You're the one to love
You're the one to miss

You're my reason why
And I'd have to lie
If I said that it's over
For me

Whatever happens - I am ready
No fears, only excitement
Whatever happens, nothing bothers
Here I am, no suffering, no more

Embracing every obstacle
Like in a game
Even if I got too much out of the frame
Whatever happens, I am ready now
No questioning, no doubts
Playing around
So happy
Being me
That's what I like to be

This pride
This time
That you
I found
However
That happened
It's marvellous
Thanks God
Thank you
I thank myself
This great achievement's
More than gorgeous
I know, I've known
Not always
How much
I appreciate
You and me
But the real
Feelings' touch
Shook me up
Irresistibly

How to be free
How to be me
I need to find
Myself

How to pursue
What's made for you
Still not forgetting
Health

Hell what is this
I am nowhere
Can't find it
Have to fight

This promise
I gave to myself
I need to stick to it

For my own soul
On my true own
Find myself in the deep

I don't know
Something's wrong
I feel weird
I feel low

Seems like a circle
All the way round
Feels like a bubble
Bubble of doubt

Doubts everywhere
Doubts here and there
The insecurities
Have become real

Why do I feel
The things I feel
The world is changing
All around me

I have to hear
And to perceive
This is not the world
This is only me

Not only me though
Me and my mind
They have caused this
They are combined

Since I know this
I have to go on
Being aware
Cause it's nothing at all.

I just love how the world is with you
It's like candy and it's smooth
Sweet and easy all in one
New perspectives, new perceptions

I just love how the world is with you
It is real, it's the happy truth
Grooving, bouncing all around
Every moment new and round

I just love how the world is with you
Nothing is boring, everything moves
And we move with it, ready to laugh
You can't imagine how much all this I love

I just love how the world is with you
The atmosphere that cuts the fear
The real and crazy all in one
Perfection is made for the imperfect ones

I just love how the world is with you
Hanging out from sunrise till the moon
I embrace these feelings we have and share
All these moments about which I care

I just love how the world is with you
Holding hands in a sweet romance
Everything we need is me and you
Because we change this world into

Something beautiful and true
Something positive and real
I would not know how to feel
In this world without you

There's a decision to make
I gotta make it straight
Always look on the now
Never look back somehow
I am analyzing too much
Don't feel free to keep in touch
Heart is worried, feared of breaking
Heavy is the breath I'm taking
It was long ago that I
Lost my truth up in the sky
Every sparkle, it depended
On the stars that you made shine
I hoped that love never be ended
But how to know without to try

Sometimes we don't know
Where to go
If only we learned to cope
Through belief and hope

And I felt nothing but fear
And I didn't know at all
How all this could disappear
And I didn't want to fall
And I couldn't tell myself
What I did want and what not
I need to find myself again
To be alone on my true own

No other way
I can explain
Inevitable
Beauty's on its
Way
I need it
It's right
Every night
I can see the light
That guides me
It is not purple or
Baby blue
It is rather red
With dark attitude
It has a certain
Background
But this is simply
How I found
My way to be
My way in me

How I would love him:
I'd appreciate every word he says
Every preposition, verb or noun
I'd enjoy his voice in all different ways
Because I'd just love its sound

I admit that I am worried
I admit I think too much
I admit to be ignoring
Some strong feelings
Cause they touch

I admit I am not trying
To distract myself at all
I admit to be so grateful
For the feelings that I got
I admit to be admiring
You and just my love for you
I admit that now I'm trying
To make you think about it too

Tell me
Why
Tell me
Why
Tell me
How
I don't know
Tell me
When
Tell me
What
Tell me
Who's gonna show?

He
He is
He is so interesting
I was impressed
And I laughed

Sounds of laughter
What a joy
Sounds of sadness
Not a toy
Laughing hard
At someone's bad
Keep an eye on you instead

Love yourself
Love everyone
Love life
Love being
On your own
Share love
Share hope
Share happiness
Be loved and love
Cause that's the best!

Yes, you do
You can make a difference
You really matter
You are an individual
You deserve a Life in
Peace Love Harmony

If you wanna laugh -
                                   Laugh!

If you wanna cry -
                                   Cry!

If you wanna love -
                                   Love!

But if you wanna die -
                                   Don't...

I don't have time for self-analysis and overthinking. I live in the moment and here time doesn't exist.

Interesting how everything evolves
You lose yourself to
Find your Self again
Knocking on a door
That was never there
Trying to defeat yourself
When nothing attacks
Forcing positivity to come
Even when you know
In a neutral world
No regrets no doubts
No fears no thoughts
Should upset a creature like You.
Hiding automatically behind
A milky blurry glass of uncertainty
Waiting for the right step to step

But what if you change your attitude and stop to wonder too much about this nonexistent negativity
Change your mind set and embrace this very moment

I feel groggy
On my way
My mind is foggy
But bright my day

For if I am honest
I like to tell stories
The ones which end up
In a fairytale

I am the captain of my life
The decks are colorful
Avoiding any kind of strife
I use my special tool

I use the light
The happiness
I choose to fight
And not to rest

Albeit
I can't forget your face
Your smile's dynamics
Your magical eyes
The love you give
The warm, the bright


The decks are shaking
My mind is breaking
I'm losing control
Over my own soul
It's trembling, it fears
As if it was panicking
Fighting with tears
But those are the joyful
The beautiful ones
They are a part of
Something tremendous
Of something so real
That it hurts

The captain stands straight
He isn't afraid
His hope doesn't fade
He tries to adjust
The balance the faith
The love and the trust
To sort out the voices
The signals the settings
That are covered with dust

He feels quite dizzy
The heart is uneasy
Albeit his soul still
Desires to feel
The warmth on the inside
With hope as the starlight
Remembering moments
To help him get out

As he is addicted
To the powerful might
His eyes turn grey
His heart fills with fright
Still sticking to something
The adrenaline
His mind and his soul
And his heart
In between