Hands like forgiveness holding on to strings with no ends. And we've been walking this tightrope, stretched by our own hands for too long it seems. But I'm full of careless ways to make a mends. I know we can fulfill all the dreams I see when I watch movie scenes. Now take some stake in the words I commit. Because I've meant them truely since the day I met your eyes. I won't stand for thinking this is it. Because you're the only thing that has ever filled my skies.

The leaves keep changing colors despite my pleading,
Before I looked within and noticed my chest beating.
What a clever ruse that ***** had played to convince,
It wasn’t in use when you left and hadn’t been since.
But now it would seem I know better than my heart,
About things that entice my mind and shock it to start,
‘Cause here I sit once again, a gleam in the dark night,
Exploring the reasoning behind my body working right.
It makes me wonder about the choices my brain makes,
In all of the previous decisions that have led to mistakes,
Who exactly is in control of my soul, heart, and brain,
While I’m so focused on this trusty mask I always feign?
But the answers only serve their purpose as excuses,
Squeezing them pitilessly dry of their disgusting juices,
To make myself feel better about what I’ve become,
In spite of the upbringing I should have learned from.
Yet, here I sit and sigh because colors are always turning,
And mine has changed to one that has my heart burning.

so is my front porch for your burnt cigarettes,
remnants of sunday nights and heart to hearts
and moments of desperate uncertainty. every
inhale brings another reason to react, to question
and comment and bicker and fester in all the lost
insecurities that you ponder. when tomorrow comes,
and next week, you will still be smoking the royals
in my car, the turks invading your lungs in some fiery
defiance of reality. i will continue bearing the teas
and the coffees and the insensitivities that crush us
continually, and then build it all up again so i can promise
you that it will all be alright. because in the end,
nothing is the same and nothing is real. while everything
is expanding and disappearing into the distant horizon
of spacial expectations, we are building walls to capture
everything we hope to be, to touch the remaining fragments
of what we strive to never become.

It is half past one in the morning and
The red digits from the alarm clock
Lecture me for thinking about you.

The pillow next to me
Harbors your absence,
And the loneliness holds me.

I glare at the numbers,
Fully aware that I will be exhausted come morning.
Then the time changes and it is one thirty-one.

Embers of my change glimmer within nights breath.
To bask in the flaws my dear we have nothing but endless hours.
Short as in a razor gleams bare were your thoughts cloaked in the
nothingness of my soon departure.

Wicked is she was a poison I would forever embrace.
Are we but mortal in coil so sinful my design.
Ruff she lingered for that which was a bruise .
Fond were the memories cast with sugar laced regret.  

Break my desires allow my insecurities demise.
**** the flesh only to tarnish the soul.
My hells have seeped within forecast of shadows and a premature demise.

Pulled in pleasure a lash of release .
Do we find a part missing keys lost unlock doors never known to are
existence will you embrace the farewell as I already have my dear?

I'll give you the fires without the signals taste the rage without the pain.
Storms have bounded what never was together to begin with.  

Nights ride a clash of bodies finds us a fragment of lovers now frozen
are thoughts as burnt are those hidden desires.

Tomorrow means nothing as page left empty needs only your
words to create.
Tomorrow knows nothing but what we have made of tonight .

Emotionless, flowing through a crowd of faceless souls
A net of interactions that I am no longer a part of
Each second I feel less and less, until I'm an empty vessel
On the edge, brain going toe to toe with the devil

Rotting amygdala in the cranium, insanity
Not a single shred of dignity or humanity
Running off no sleep, tobacco and black coffee
No spirit left, except the pack in my back pocket

I want nothing, but need everything
all decisions past made to lead to serenity
Going with the flow has left me alone with no one
Why am I still here, where the hell am I going

Long nights, long days, pretending I'm something I'm not
Self deprecation and loathing patterns, indigenous thoughts
Result is cold and heartless, riskless life to avoid the loss
No solution horizon, mentally falling apart

Fed up, hallucinations gone and messed my head up
Yesterday is forgotten but tomorrow already dreaded
Depression has blossomed, guilt trips and sunken ships
Internal warfare, life is chaos amongst the midst

I don't want your words
Because words can lie
And I don't want your lies
No matter how accidental they are

And you shouldn't want my words either
I know I lie
I know I change my mind
And I want the words I give to you to last forever

But you do
I know what you want me to say
I know the unasked question

It's in your eyes
Your stance
Your voice

I can see it in everything you do
I hear it in everything you say
I can tell

Or I'm just imagining it

Either way

I don't know how else to tell you

What I can't say
Anything I don't say
All the things you want to hear
That I just don't

It has nothing to do with you
Or your failings or shortcomings

Which sounds like a bad breakup line
I know
But it's not
I don't want to leave you

But more than that
I want you to know
That everything I say to you
That all of it
Is absolutely true
In every possible way

I don't ever want to change that
I don't even want to risk it
You're too important

Maybe I'm just being crazy
It wouldn't be the first time
I've just always believed that words
They have power

Maybe not magical power
Or spiritual
Or physical

But whatever they have
It's enough
And I don't ever want to hurt you with them
Not even a little

So just know

When I say I miss you
I do

When I say that you are wonderful
Breathtaking
Irritating
Handsome
Intelligent
And beautiful both inside and out
You are

When I say I love you
I mean it

Every word
Every syllable
Every letter
Always and forever

And we'll figure out the rest

My mom welcomes me in from the cold fall air
With a plate of home-made french toast-
Maple syrup pouring like the lies I tell her;
Powdered sugar, the dots of truth I work in
When it's convenient to do so

The smell of *****, spilled
On that place on my jeans beneath which
I have tattooed every moment spent without her,
Is masked by the batter of a sleep-deprived morning
When all I want to do is go to my mom
With all the problems she doesn't even know I have

Over that breakfast of laughs and warm family smiles,
And over a warm cup of tea to get me passed my hangover,
She asks me all about my night that didn't happen
And I continue to paint for her
The lie I don't even really remember first telling.