My soul is broken
It hurts all the time
Sometimes it drips sadness
From my eyes

The smell of sewer wafts through the air
Giving a beautiful view
An unbearable stench
Smoke fills in the spaces between peoples faces
The crowd filling in every space in the street
Leaving little room to walk
Just to watch as you slowly shuffle along
Store windows filled with souvenirs
The kind people bring back for friends they care little about
I watched as wooden dolls and straw hats are hustled to passerbys
Then something catches my eye
Tea
Only you know why

Tonight I am lost in a state of wonder
Of all the could be's, should be's, and would be's
keeping my mind active and my eyes open

All of the endless possibilities of where life could have taken me
and I am here

what if only
he wouldn't have picked up the phone that day

what if only
she would have stayed at dinner 2 minutes longer

what if only
he would have asked a different person

Such small actions
that have had a huge impact on my life

leaving me wondering
who I would be today
without these small decisions of others

leaving me wondering
how much of my own life
am I in control of

You felt unloved
You hadn't learned how to love yourself
You sought out love
from those who were incapable of giving it

I thought that maybe I could change things
give you my love
Maybe if I filled you up with enough of my love
you would learn
to love yourself, and learn who was really there for you
You didn't though
My love only confused you, you felt unworthy

I gave you all my love
Assuming that the faster I gave it to you
the sooner you could give it back
But you stole all my love and then threw it away

I had forgotten to love myself
and you didn't love me
so I was left with nothing, I was hollow

I gave you the one thing you wanted
I don't understand why you aren't happy

I wish I could gather my thoughts
tell you how I feel
but the words don't come out
not the way i want them to
they are jumbled
and scattered
never in the right order
they don't portray
the message
I'm trying to say
But I wish, I wish so much
that you could know
what is in my head

Sadness clung to you like a staticky old dryer sheet

Loving someone is carrying the burden of their sadness on your back so they can have a chance to breath even if it is suffocating you

I had a dream about him again
I guess you could call it a nightmare

I stopped letting him haunt my thoughts
But somehow he manages to creep into my dreams

He tells me I am worthless
That I will never be enough

For him
Or anyone

And I believe him
Which is the worst part

Because when I wake up
I can't shake the feeling

**That maybe he is right

I'm in love with words
because they are always there for me
when people fail me
                     I can write
when I get stressed
                     I can write
when I don't know how else to express my emotions
                    I can write

I put my heart into my words
everyone of them a tiny piece
of my mind, of my heart

I put my trust into words
words never leave me
words were never rude to me

But those were my words
Your words are different

When I put my trust in them
they failed me
When I let them in my mind and heart
they tore them apart
your words were mean
they were manipulative
they shattered me

I can no longer trust words
the way I used to

The world was so small when I was little
And everything was so simple
The worst type of pain was when I got a paper cut

Some days I still have a hard time understanding
the boy who said he loved me,
broke my heart wide open
He said that no matter what
No matter how things went down
that even if we weren't destined to be together
That at least we had a friendship
to last a lifetime
But his messages became spotty
and his appearance in my life eventually ceased to exist

He stopped coming around
Stopped being there for me when I needed him
On the days I couldn't breathe because I was crying so hard
He told me I should go to someone else with my problems
Our friendship was demolished

So all I gained was a broken heart,
trust issues, and a life lesson?
that doesn't seem right

Now I have a hard time believing
the words that come out of lovers mouths
I assume they are beautiful lies
meant to keep up a charade
Is that not what love is?
An incredible lust and infatuation
turned game of pretending to care
in order to use someone for what you need?
At least that's what he showed me.

I wish I was still the hopeless romantic I once was
But now I have a bitter heart

I don't mind missing sleep
If I do so with you

I have so much I want to tell you
I want to tell you
How much I love you
Why I love you
That everything will be okay
That I want to help you through this
I want to explain why
Why things will be good
Why we should be together

But eventually all the words
Just become words
I just am rambling
Telling you things
That don't even pertain

The only words I have found that really matter are
I love you
And I know things will work out

I grew up being told
You can do whatever you want
You can have whatever you want
You can achieve anything
if you try hard enough

And as beautifully motivational and uplifting as this is

It isn't true all the time

You can't just have whatever you want
Sometimes people stand in the way
Sometimes your obstacles are too big
Sometimes its better to find something new to strive for

You can't get so set on something
because you've been told its possible
that you pull yourself apart trying to achieve it

You can't do everything
There aren't enough hours in the day

And for some it comes down to luck

Am I dumb?
have you been trying to show me
this whole time
and I'm just too daft to see it
have your words
been saying yes
while all your actions
say NO
Am I just a pathetic girl
chasing shadows of something that will never be

I was tired of making up excuses for you
Each time, I told myself
He is just so busy
He didnt mean it
He just forgot to get to it
But all I asked was for ten minutes of your time
And some how you still managed
To get lost in the world of things more important than me
So I have accepted my status near the bottom of your list
I wont put any more energy into this
Because everytime I reach out
It seems my name gets pushed further down on the list