Where am I? Choking tilt of the earth, forfeit of the sun. Tomorrow will be as today, a precession in retrospect, an nth masquerade in relapse.

open home
gutter bird
head apart, apart apart

all toil, toil
sheets and time

why’d you bring me here?

no one laughs the dead houses
line the streets i
never had anything
before the ritz and lsd
funnelled into shopping malls
hypnagogic life
taught whither wither
a dying world.

putrescence
bear the haunt of nothing
all fingers and teeth
down your neck
sister mary without her veil
narcogenic

i’m worn through my nails
i’m sick of everything.

it's like i have it all
good grades, a job, a roof over my head, a family who loves me, a boyfriend who i love more than life itself - a feeling that is reciprocated tenfold.

yet

i feel the shadow of an emptiness that i can't seem to fill
the remnants of a sadness that was once so profound still linger in my consciousness and
although small
are mighty
they are capable of eating me alive and my soul drowns in their waters
i feel as if i don't deserve the good i have
i feel as if i don't deserve the love that is given to me
i thank the powers that be for everything that i have
yet
if i say this out loud
i think i seem ungrateful