I have to stop thinking.
I need to turn my brain off.
Im torturing myself
By thinking of the future.
Figuring out the maze,
Of you and me.
How to get to the finish line,
Together.
Im trying to prepare myself,
For hearing the words,
"We used to talk"
If they mention my name.
Instead of,
A smirk on your face,
And a little laugh,
"Yeah, shes amazing."
So im trying,
I really am,
To block out the future.
Its was working a week ago,
Because your presence
Was the only distaction i needed.
But now i am left with myself.
With my thoughts.
With images of you
With memories of us.
With high hopes for the future.
That flicker through my head,
Almost constantly.
But now they are fading.
I dont know wheather its a
Good thing?
Bad thing?
Because sooner or later
I will be confronted with one choice.
I will reach a dead end.
I could fly.
Or I could fall.
There is no middle,
Sadly.
Believe me its not what i want.
But all my odds are pointing
To a deep black abyss.
So,
Eventually,
I will have to force you out of my head.
Somehow.
I dont know if you can tell,
But i am a fighter.
This is why i am in such a panic.
"There has to be a way around this."
My subconscious really needs
to shut up.
Part of me.
wants to keep my two fists up.
And part of me.
Wants to enjoy the time we have.
It is very hard,
But i guess,
i need to let fate
Write the rest of my story.
Even though i keep trying and trying
To skip ahead,
And See what happenes next.
The pages are blank,
And my thoughts
write in alternate endings.
So,
Lets breathe in,
And out.
And hope for the best.
It will work out.
It will work out.
If for the worst-
I can just say,
He wasnt the one.
And FINALLY have closure.
But a my heart will be shattered,
And my life will turn grey
For a while.
With heavy drops of water,
Splattered all around me.
But
If for the best-
I would beat all odds,
Im sorry,
I need to give myself more credit,
I have a chance.
I fit in somewhere on the scale
- I would beat all odds
Of other minds work.
And could finally show them,
That i could be loved.
But thats just a bonus.
No one out there,
Is like you.
No one.
Thats why everyone wants
You.
But i know there more to you than that.
This is why we need to talk,
This is why i need him.
I want him to think of me,
Half as much,
As i think of him.
Just half.
I dont ask for much.
I have been patient.
So now you see my struggle.
Now you feel too
the pebble in my shoe.
I still have two weeks with him,
And one more to think.
But when the beginning
Of the four week loss.
I hope i stay strong.
I hope he dosent change.
I hope we wouldn't of changed.
But now.
He hasnt,
We havent.
I need to enjoy the sunlight on my face.
I need to make the most of it.
There is something there.
But if there is no love for me,
In his heart,
I hope it comes to a complete stop.
I hope my eyes can open,
And my heart released,
Because right now,,
And theres a tear in my eye.
That i so greatly hold back.
Because there might be another,
Or another,
That he wants
From a long time ago.
And she will have
the one thing
That we dont have.
History.
But i can't dwell on this.
Its unfair to everyone.
So like I've been trying to say
About three dozen times,
In about three dozen different ways....
Enjoy the good while it lasts.
And save your good memories,
And smiles,
For a day you might need it.