To whom it may concern,

You seem to be having a blast with my voodoo doll, just making out these terrible situations for me; sitting there and plotting the best way to f me over. I think to myself there's no way I'll let you get to me not today, but you always have the last say.

So I decided today was the day I wrote a letter to my Saboteur.

Hopefully now you'll stop getting in my head telling me I ain't worth it,
That boy will never love you don't you ever understand it.
I try and try to ignore you
Tell me about all my flaws
How I never do anything right
"How do you keep looking at yourself, you're such an eye sore"

Today I decided to write a letter to my Saboteur.

These letters seem to be working, you haven't sabotage me recently.
No more shady moments
No more feeling bad.
Its been a few days now since I last heard from my saboteur but that's only because I stopped listening to myself.

©Jonesy2019

How am i?
You want the truth?
I'm broken
Not the type you get when you didn't get your way so you're slightly disappointed. I'm heart broken. My heart is aching deep inside my chest, it trembles because it's now coming to terms with what my brain already knows.
How am i?
I am in pain ...
I have alot of physical ailments but nothing, nothing at all compares to crying yourself to sleep, waking up from sleeping crying, going through your day crying. I've cried for 3 days now.
How am i?
I'm trying to be strong.
Why?  I know if you knew how I really feel you'll be devastated so I lie, I tell you I'm doing okay, I'm great, fantastic...while  having..tears on my cheeks....so you can focus on you. I went to school trying to hide my tears but then I saw my friend and I broke down. I actually gripped at my heart and I told her it hurts soooo bad. My heart was beating like normal but yet it hurt so bad. I cried so much that I accepted it, class mates passed me and asked "Are you ok?" I said "I'm great, ignore the tears I have allergies".
How am i?
I'm hurt.
So so so so so so hurt. You wanted to stop hurting me so much that you decided to break my heart instead. I hate you for that.  You promised me you wouldn't break my heart. Then why am I crying everyday, why does my heart ache, why am I not eating....why am I in such pain.....why do I feel so.... empty.
How am I?
I don't know.
I'm so many things yet nothing all at once.
I wouldn't wish heart break on an enemy if I had any.
It's painful...no one deserves to feel like they're nothing,...
No one deserves to feel broken.




                                                     ­               Jonesy 2020 (c)

Beauty,
Beauty isn't skin deep,
Its what one see on the inside.
It's the personality,
Your attitude,
Its what speaks for you when your appearance fails you.

Now, Attractiveness,
That's a different story
That's just how you look,
Its the quality of your body that causes an interest or desire among people,
That isn't beauty.

                                                        ­                                Jonesy 2016©

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
It takes a while for my seed to sprout.
But he was a gentleman
And he watered me everyday.
He believed in my growth
Although he himself did not know how to grow.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But in this cruel world I'm beginning to sprout,
Gentle this creature was
He made sure he  gave me sun every day
For he wanted me to grow.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But today I finally sprout.
I'm glad I can now sustain him
Now it is my turn to believe in him
He can finally enjoy my fragrance and the beauty in my petals.
I can now help you to grow too
Just like you have shown me.

We don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But I'm here now
Bobbing my head, dancing to the wind.
Showing you that with patience anything is possible.
Let me show you how to grow under these harsh conditions.
©jonesy2019

Iron Hearts are beautiful,
Even though they are many,
They are unique.

They are magical because
They know what its like to be broken.

Iron Hearts have power and experience on their side.
Sure when we say we have iron hearts,
Doesn't mean our hearts are made of iron,
It means we protect our heart.

Upon wonder I ask myself why is there a sword going through the heart,
Then it hits me :It means that we are not " immune from soars",
Matter of fact the sword represents pain,
But the sword also gives us another chance to live life,
And give your heart another go.

"I love you"
Sure its three words that put us in trouble,
But yet we want to hear it;

They say hearts are meant to be broken, torn, and shattered,
Like its nothing.
Well the heart can be healed just not as fast as it can be broken.

Love, privileges and choices are made every day by all hearts,
But Stay Strong !
We are the iron hearts of the future.


                                                                                          Jonesy  ©

No I'm not appointing blame,
My origins will never change,
But what was there for an eight year old to do.
I never felt wanted again after I was born,
There was a huge void in my spirit
My dad married and it seemed like he forgot about me,
I felt like I was scorn.
I was never helped with homework;
I became a novice
Never understood Maths, English or any prerequisites.

A mistake.
Yeah I get it.
But at least don't treat me like it.... Please.
My teacher (God rest her soul) took me under her wing,
Helped me with maths,religious education and English.
I slowly understood what I was missing:
Love, joy, sympathy and a family.
This quickly ended when she died though,
And that void came back.

I never saw my dad.
I might have slowly forgotten his features.
But that didn't bother me I was only ten by then,
And I was coming into myself:
I suffered depression and insecurities.
Many a day I would bury my head in a book
Not because I wanted to,
But because I wanted to make myself scarce so I could escape the hardships of my dysfunctional family.

Maybe reading was a good thing,
I reassured myself as I read through the encyclopedias in my small library;
Deciding that I'll read my problems away.
Mom was never around,
And daddy had a new family.
I'll just read the problems away.

I felt unwanted.
Mummy started going out every night,
At this time I had a five year old sister;
Of course mom hardly spent time with her.
I babysat her while missing homework assignments I never got helped with.
Because mummy went out every night.
Sometimes she came home
Sometimes she didnt
A fire kindled in my spirit made of anger
How could a mother do this to her young daughters.

Jonesy 2019 ©

I'm an addict,
I can't go a day without it,
It just makes me feel so special,
They say once you start you can get help:
Rehab

But I don't want to be cured,
I love this feeling.
With every breath i inhale i can feel the drug taking over,
Yes, I am aware of the consequences,
But i am more afraid of losing it.

This intense feeling of pleasure makes me want more.
We live in a chaotic world of emotional despair,
I'm fearful of being alone and rejected.
That's why i will never stop having you,
Your love is my drug.


                                                                                                Jonesy  ©

I feel like my mental health is deteriorating.
I've been more absent minded than before;
Like a ghost of my former self.

Tell me what I should do..... What I can do?
I feel so far from you
Its hard to believe that we are the same person.
I look in the mirror and can't even recognize you.

Shakespeare said "The world is a stage and we are all the actors"
So why do I feel like an understudy...
Of my own life.

But I get it now,
You just need to live a little.
Do things you never would have done
You're young.
Experience life a little

You were a child place into the role of an adult, too soon.
Your childhood was stripped from you like an animal being stripped from life.

It took you a while to realise it,
But you've got it now.
You're okay
You will be okay.
I believe in you.


Yours Truly,
Jonesy

The morning shines;
The night gloom.
You lust me, I love you
Caterpillars crawl, Butterflies fly,
I give you me but you make me cry.

Girls are  sweet supposed candy,
Boys love that:
Girls, when they are sweet and dandy.

Tell me why i feel better when i am alone,
Oh yeah,
You can't hurt me when i am alone,
At least, not physically,
I mean i think of you all the time.

Even though the morning has the sun,
The night always have the stars.
Even if the caterpillar crawls,
He's going to fly some day,
He's going to fly the differences away.

                                                          ­                                           Jonesy  2016©

Its just another stormy day,
It just might be a storm cloud
But even on your darkest days,
The sun will shine the brightest.



                                                   ­                                      Jonesy 2016 ©

Love, Deaths, and Depressions,
We as human beings only survive through it,
Praying, Hoping, we'll get through it.
You only see the grey clouds in the sky,
Cause you no longer look for the sun.
It gets better.

You feel it,
Can't express it
But it hurts you deep inside.
They say you're confusing and dismiss your feelings,
That feeling you can't explain.
It gets better.

Have you ever felt so much pain,
That you felt nothing anymore,
You have been immune from pain.
But yet you cry,
When you think of the pain,
Emotional,
No,
Emotionless,
There's a thin line.
It gets better.

                                                        ­                                   Jonesy 2016©

Long hair, fair skin complexion
Pretty blue eyes;
A boy's desire, a boy's hope, a boy's downfall,

Her hair flown by a disastrous brush,
Her skin as dreamy as the vicious snake,
Her heart as cold as the ice in his lust for her.

Maybe if she took off her disguise of beauty he would see her for who she really is,
Maybe just maybe he would love her for who she is,

But he leaves her crying and doesn't look back.

Sometimes she tries to be strong,
She tries to hold on,
So she puts on makeup,
Puts on weave,
To find another guy to please,
Just to be hurt again in the same way,
She just wants to be loved..........
By the wrong guy.

But all I can say is she doesn't know how special she is to this one person,
And she will never know,
If she's making up her face,
Cause he will never find her;

Just another world to let her know,
PRETTY LIES

                                                                                      Jonesy  ©