I see a ray of sunlight
Breaking through the clouds
I feel the rain pour down on
The desert grounds
I feel my heart open wide
And a toothy smile emerge on my face
I spin in endless circles
And in my heart there is no pain, not a trace
I am young again,
I am free
I can truly and forever be
I feel the breeze
I feel the water
Of the creek,
It's current grows stronger and stronger
God whispers through the trees
God yells through the forest
God bellows in the mountaintops
You're Healed
You're Whole
You're mine,
Forever child
I'm in your heart
And we are entwined
And I feel fine
I feel sweet
I feel utterly and holy complete
I know God loves me,
Yes, he truly does
He loves me more than anyone can
I fly on wings made up of His love
I am infinite
I am free
I am everything I need to be
I am loved
I am whole
I am a child of God
I am free, can't you see
I'm free I'm free I'm free
From all the trauma that has conditioned me
For LOVE is to strong you see,
To be defeated by calamity
Love is the medicine that restores,
Tranforms,
Heals
Metamorphosizing into a butterfly
Don't give up while you're in your caterpillar stage
Listen to me:
Don't give up
Don't give up
DON'T GIVE UP
We need you
Our world needs you
You will have your wings oneday
And have the ability
To transcend all of your suffering
While you help others with what you learned on your journey
God is with you,
In your heart
And God loves you.

An orange orb encircles the periphery,
A sunset on a cliff
Torrential rain
Muddies the orange hues.
This cliff is for remembering
Things that must be remembered,
To be embodied, and then
Let go of
By dissolution

The cumulonimbus clouds
Must release rain
In order to dissolve.
You too,
Must process
All of your trauma
To be free from it
So you can become like the sky
After a storm
During a sunset.

So this is how the story goes,
I think I fall in love
But when I seek deeper
There are no roots
Just empty promises that never bloomed

It’s funny because
I always wonder what they think of me
How they feel for me
But when I look in my own heart
I find that I don’t even love them, just like I know they don’t love me

This one thought of himself as a knight in shining armor,
He said he was a romantic
But really he was so cruel,
Giving me what he knew I wanted in the beginning
Only to gain power over me to tear me apart

And I just couldn’t take it, one more day
Of him yelling at me,
Criticizing me,
Telling me to change
And then with his victim story
Of anxiety about the pain he caused me
He’s such a fool,
But so am I
I abandoned myself for his love
That I could never fully grasp no matter how hard I tried.

I want to scream my love for you on rooftops,
For your face is haunting me
Stalking me in dreams,
Visions of you fill up my idle time
All I can think of,
Are all the things we have not yet done
Like kissing and lovingly caressing,
Being lifted up into boundlessly affectionate arms,
You make me sick,
In every good way
All I want to do is tell you,
But all I can manage is a whisper,
I'm stifled in your presence,
It's my literal hell,
To love someone so much,
But refuse to express it
But this is a chance that
If I missed it
No one would ever replace you,
And my heart, well, no one would be able to fix it.

Tears streak my face
I hold out my hand,
Searching for a hand to grab
I wipe tears from my eyes,
Imagine blood on my wrists
What is this disaster that has latched onto me?
My mind is in disarray,
My heart is a loveless mourner
My feet anxiously await my destiny as a sojourner
I grabbed a bat
And beat the mattress
Screamed into a pillow,
All they see is a happy girl,
But they can't see what I've been through,
What I've seen,
I can't erase these dark notions,
Tearing me a part like a monsoon.

Sapphire feathers cloak me
My back to the sun, golden
Heart like an emerald glowing,
Heart like an emerald glowing

Twilight, soft and yellow
My chest, rising-- up and down
Creatures chattering
My mind doesn't make a sound

I think I remember
As I force forgetting
I feel I remember
Eyes closed, transported to an ethereal setting

Whence I came
From the womb
Encased deep within my mother
Germinating, preparing to bloom

But was there existence before the womb?
Was I first a notion
To be planted into this earthly reality
Manifested in flesh and designed for divine devotion?

I don't know
But in some ways
My life feels like a testament
to a ubiquitous force of love and grace

I've given up religion
But still I worship
I'm simply grateful to be alive
In this experience so perfect.

Coalescing leaves,
Never being truly heard
My shadow only seen
Hidden in the tapestries
Of kaleidoscopic trees
With roots tapping deep into my being
A reality they are not seeing,
But I've known all my life
Writing my secrets in the air with my finger,
In plain view
Dreaming of mirrors,
A multitude of mirrors,
Yet who I am is still out of view
A cloud, mist adrift
Visceral notions
I must sift through
The rubble
It's good times for a change,
I found a rainbow deep within the haze
Over my heart their is a glaze,
From this dream I can't awake,
Repeating cycles of my self demise,
Someone, please,
Open my eyes.

I can't quite express it
I'm experiencing an outpouring of ideas--
Passions of mine
That have been latent,
Locked down under feelings of
Insecurity and a sense of not being enough.
But the dam that kept my potential locked away
Has cracked.
And a surge of
Beautiful, magical
Passion is bursting through me,
Searching for soil
To plant all my ideas in
So they can grow, gradually,
With the nurture provided by my Passion's
Exuberant love.

Today is just like any other day
I'm barely awake
The water runs as
I think of everything I don't want to face
I look back all the time
Remembering where I've been and where I've come from
My face is just a lie
My heart is seeking home

My home is my roots
Deep down within me
I'm a soul encased in white flesh
But there's a story to me

I try to behave
Everyday, all I ever do is behave
I remember in middle school
I heard on some women's talk show
That good girls don't make history
I would repeat that to myself as a teen
Now all I repeat is daily drudgery

I have expectations on my shoulders
And I'm surrounded by white people,
But I'm not like them
They claw onto their intellect
As if they know what suffering is
Their hearts are shiny, well polished glass
There is nothing in them
And they easily crack
No substance or meaning
Beyond their roles
White people, white people
With white souls

But I'm from Brooklyn,
does that make a difference to you?
I've known suffering
But not in the way some of my dark-skinned peers have suffered
I was just the white girl to them in school
My skin represented the source of their oppression
Some subconsciously hated me
I felt like a pariah,
I have always felt like a pariah
Clamoring to fit in

The best route to fitting in
I found,
was self deprecating humor
And acts of senseless rebellion
Or just becoming so quiet that no one would notice me
Now that I'm surrounded by white people,
Nothing has changed
They're the type of white people who glorify knowledge
I love to learn
But they are straight up elitist about intelligence and education
But what else can you expect from privileged white people?

My skin in some ways makes me privileged,
But I also am not the type of white
that comes from money
My family is not the type of white that is devoid of trauma
We're not the type of white who are bland, coldly intellectual, and superficial

But this poem isn't about flesh
It's about being ****** an outcast
Forever being misunderstood by a spectrum of people
While I deeply understand every person that crosses my path
No one seems to be able to understand me
And *******, that's lonely.

We’re taught that real learning is found in structured classrooms
with strict curriculum,
Where old textbooks are graffitied with the names of lost loves and broken dreams
And young social animals
try to find their place within their peers hierarchy

But maybe learning is more than what we find
within the dark halls of school
Maybe learning is truly out there in the real world

It's not all about acing tests
And a perfect GPA
Life’s about
Becoming more human,
Trying, risking, possibly failing
And growing through it all….
And even in our darkest times,
deciding to not close our hearts

School teaches us a lot about competition and perfected performance,
But maybe we ought to reach for something beyond this
Book smarts are vital,
Yet I think we need something more--
Possibly,
A real world education for our hearts.

****, I think
It hurts
It hurts that trauma takes root
Like a thorny rose bush without roses
Stuck in the ground in winter,
A cold, neglected stump

The pain is ingrained
Like tire tracks in a road
Deeply grooved by years of daily repetition
I’ve tried so many times before
To reset my course
But my tires always fall back into those deep, ingrained grooves

I truly don’t understand how some people do it,
How some people make healing seem so effortless
Because healing feels like torture,
At least in the ways I’ve tried to do it
And my system just can’t tolerate torture anymore

So all I can do
Is make peace with my unmet longings
And bow in humility to this miracle of life
Be content with my lot in life,
And let go of the desire for the seamless life that is social media worthy,
But instead cultivate meaning through holy dedication to incremental, sometimes painful change.

Fingers
Wrapped around
The soft spine
Of your back neck
Doused in blue
Did we run the streets,
Dripping in blue body paint?

I saw the pink roses
Pretty and thorned
My bleeding hands,
Were unforgiving
The clock
Was unforgiving
I cried that whole night.

Dreams of Africa
On a safari
Looking up at a starry night sky,
I skipped through an orchard,
Singing a child's lullaby

My mind is a reflection of madness,
But you said you wanted more,
You tasted the sadness,
Swelling from my pores
Your eyes are porcelain
Static on a screen

The hummingbirds are calling
In their iridescent beauty
They drag me by my collar,
Into a land of whimsical triviality,
Where I hum with bees,
The rainbow is my palet from which I paint
Fighting off reality,
Reveling in insanity.

Let me wrap you in my shadow,
Within it's embrace you shall find your long lost solace
Paradoxes and ambiguities
Are what make me

Stuck within an endless cycle of time,
How could I ever unwind,
Or decide,
To finally make up my mind?

In this ethereal place I wish to reside,
To spread out my time,
Like honey on burnt toast
Hold onto some forsaken figment of the clock,
See with my heart and not with my mind,
Listen with my beating heart,
Listen to all the love all about me,
Wrapping her safe arms around me.

It feels so real,
His touch, his countenance
The thoughts whirring in my mind,
Profound feelings echoing through my spine
Trying to decipher intentions,
Never understanding because my analyzing mind is relentless
Imbuing meaning where there is none
Writing songs inspired by dreams
But when I awake
I realize, none of it is real

The golden moon hangs against the backdrop of a navy sky
I look up to the stars and whisper endless wishes
I believe in God, but sometimes I wonder if He hears me
Hears the plea of a hungry heart
Seeking God's love to fill this endless void

I sit at my window sill,
And close my eyes
I imagine the sky through my 5 year old self's eyes
Jesus said if we're not like the children, we won't enter the kingdom of heaven
So, now I'm trying my best
To get back to that child like state
I know God can heal all the wounds
That come with growing

Right now my dreams are only real in my sleep,
But soon they will be my reality.

Time and words within that time
And feelings
And cutting away everything that doesn't matter anymore
Trying my best to stay present and tuned in
But always succumbing to my daydreams
Vivid daydreams
Bold pictures and fantasies of what was and what could be

Tears, hot cold tears
Hitting my cheeks hard
But my heart can barely feel the pain
Of the rain draining from my eyes
I sit numb for hours, days, weeks
As people speak to me about their mediocrity
Nagging off my ear with all their trivialities
I nod, un-amused, slowly rotting away
Looking past them into the dimension of my unmet dreams,
The only place I like to be

Decipher, feel, try to become "real"
Disconnected and bored
Reaching for meaning but I always end up empty handed
Reaching too much, reaching too far...
When was the last time I was happy? Purely happy without an agenda?
Childhood.
Adulthood has corrupted me and everyone else around me
Peter Pan, let me be your Wendy.

I walked down memory lane
Pictures appeared on either side of me
Photographs from times past of
Smiles and laughing
Crying and pain
It's all come and past
Everything is ephemeral
I rode the waves of all these experiences
But the waves have crashed on the sand
Life is tranquil now,
and unplanned

My head is full of echoes
of these memories
I'm a marionette
Controlled by my past
In all my dreams
I am back in my glory days,
Stuck there
On rewind,
Trying to find a way out

I had dreams then
I grew up but the dreams
Never became fulfilled
So I regressed
So I could still find
Solace in my dreams
For my dreams feel impossible to fulfill
in current time
But they still seem attainable
When I'm viewing them through the lens
of my past self

I find comfort in who I used to be,
Now I am an ambiguous being
Not sure of who I am
and where I am going
Listless and lost
Numb, merely existing
Without any real drive
Reality is the water to my fiery passions
I've strived for so long
to bring my dreams into fruition
But reality has cooled my idealistic zeal
And left me spiritless.

Can you feel these words that I keep as secrets
Trying to break forth,
Trying to erupt?
But I suppress,
suppress, suppress
In your eyes I want to undress,
Completely unveiled
Every detail revealed
Of flesh and bone,
Of hearts and home
But no, keep your distance

Only songs can truly understand me at this moment,
Because love isn't supposed to be such a waste a time
All this longing and anticipation,
What am I supposed to do with it?
Offer it up to you,
As a worthless gift?

I just wanted a friend in you
You travel through this world
In an orb of emotional protection,
And me,
I just sit at home
Making things pretty
Decorating my nest

I don't want to keep my distance from you
But you smell of danger
And I just like the rain
I want to run in it,
dance in it
Forget all my pain

Do you understand the burden
I carried in my past life?
This is my new life
And I want to be safe to protect
this tender heart within me
That's already been through so much

Look out into the expansive sky,
Do you see?
You'll see my smile
With warmth
Shining down on you
I don't want to be kept from you,
But I can't help it
If you don't have your **** together

For now I'll keep my distance,
But with things like this, you know what they say:
"Only time will tell."

The sun glitters upon the coy pond
The wind whips softly through the trees
I find myself in places
That people fail to see
I'm overlooked and taken for granted
Like these secret destinations that I explore
Sitting at diner tables in the dark
My coffee is still hot,
Steam rolling up
I cup my frigid hands around the mug,
I lay my face down on the diner table,
Steely cold

I saw myself in a reflection on a passing train,
A deranged face with a malevolent smile in the background
My reflected face a hologram on top of his
NYC subways where the real rats are the people

The hill, it seemed, the hill
Where a tree gave shade
A quiet shade
In the midst of a raucous fair
Cotton candy and corn dog smells wafting in the air
Hormonal teenagers,
Strange setting,
Running in circles, searching, but not finding
Goodbye, deep within his eyes
The song by Smash Mouth as I rode away on my bike,
Smiling

Dark, decomposing chambers
Deep within my being
Going through seasons of death and rebirth
Death and rebirth,
I try to stop the cycle,
I just want to be alive
But the cycle is a wave
Within the ever changing river,
Never set on one course

I had a map once,
I had a plan,
I had a story
I had it all at once, it seemed
I had the grass in the field and laughter with beer and love on weekdays
Yet I always cowered when the subject of the future came up
But I've come to learn that everyday is the future
Setting it's course
On the wild seas of Life.

Do you want to uplevel with me?
Merge together and create something splendid?
Because I can see beautiful potentialities with you,
Envisioning brighter futures where I no longer have to suffer through trials alone
But instead becoming lovers in which we serve each other as a boon,
A buffer against the raw pangs of reality

Not only are you beautiful,
Which my heart craves
Your beauty is rugged and untamed
And that’s what I like about you

You’ve evolved, and so have I
Cynicism has changed the creases around our eyes
And it’s noticeable that we’re sadder now
But maybe we can help each other lean into joy,
Uplevel into contentment

Maybe it’s not so much about upleveling,
But regressing back to a childlike state
Of whimsy, gratitude and wonder
A time before our minds weren’t strong enough to war within us

I feel my heart, like a closed bud
Blossoming
And you’re knocking on the door of my heart.
Maybe this time I’ll let you in.

It's not too late
To love

I know what dying to self is
It's a metamorphosis
But it's not pretty

It's a dissolution of everything you were
And all you planned to become
Burning in wild flames all your disguises
To get to the heart of who you truly are
And what you need to be

Because this world needs people
Who can welcome change
People who can allow God
To strip them bare
Until you have nothing left to cling to
When you're destitute
That's when you'll be free
From all this vain striving in our society

I once was strong but now I'm weak
I'm tattered, torn a part, barely able to speak
But I feel so real now
Before my mind was a machine
Trying to calculate how I would acquire everything I want and need
But now I have peace
Because I trust,
That whatever may be
I have the strongest ally beside me
Though I don't agree with religious ideas of God
I believe God's unadulterated love
Is always guiding me
Whispering ever so softly,
"Listen to me."
I want others to have this love for themselves
To know they are perfectly loved,
And love has a way of healing things radically
Some would even say miraculously.

I have hope
Like rainbows painted over my eyes
My mind is a thunderstorm,
And my heart is a meandering river
I have hope
Tucked deep down in my ruby heart
It beats for the day
I will be set free
Circumstances have me heavy and slow
I am tired and worn
With barely any money,
And so little joy
But I cling to my dreams
And work on making them come to fruition everyday
Some call me a fool
But that's okay
I think they're a fool
For being stuck in old ways
I look up into the moon,
I laugh in the sun
I will never forgot
Everything I love
I will fight until I'm free
I'll love with blood on my hands,
I'll embrace this mess of life
I'll kiss life's forehead
And accept her for who she is
I'll walk in the rain
And find the peak of my pain
And on a cliff
I'll release it
I'll be free
With the words on my back
And the art on my tongue
I will not conform
I will not become self absorbed
I will just love
Even when I don't want to
I will love everybody
And I will love me.

Let’s just stay here in the darkness,
Under this clear navy blue sky
The stars pulsing with light

I wish I could look into your eyes,
Maybe then you’d see how much I feel for you
But we’re so far
And the fighting has distanced us even more

There isn’t much I know
But I know we have to make this work
Stay under this navy blue sky with me
Quiet our rambling minds, and just breathe together.

I wish I could just look into your eyes
Then you’d be convinced
That we can make this work.

Fear is a funny fantasy
Tearing at the very seams of reality
In dreams my fears are played out
Cycled over and over
Imbued in symbols
Yet in the day
I see in bold technicolor
The sky is not just clear and blue
It's neon blue and the clouds are creamy and sparse
And the sky is the reason for my happy celebration
But when the sky turns grey
And storm clouds descend
The sky doesn't merely herald a storm
But it heralds the remembrance of my deep sadness
And as much as I hate to
I'm forced to sit with my pain
As the sky opens up and it rains
But when the storm is over
And the sky shuts it's eyes
Grey clouds soften and roll away
And in a yellow sky
A faint rainbow
Orbs around my sorry town
Subconcious fear fades
As peace invades
As the beauty of nature
Steals words from my lips
And shuts down my overthinking brain
And finally, once again
I can feel the beauty in the pain.

Do you ever feel like you were born in the wrong time? Do you possibly feel like you weren't meant to live in a time of smart phones, where everything is recorded but barely experienced? Do you long for an unknown time when people would look into each other's eyes and just be with each other? What about all the spontaneous adventures we miss out on, because we are stuck in our minds, constantly curating our perfectly presented life. We aren't free to be ourselves in every moment because we are constantly being surveillanced. It's like some invisible paparazzi is around always eager to capture and broadcast the most mundane moments of our lives. I feel so connected online to people's thoughts and I get a peek into people's private worlds, yet when I see these people in real life they are only shadows of what I experience online. Only echoes of their online personalities. Maybe we have become scared to be real and live with the joy and sorrow of uncertainty that comes with living in the real world. We've traded being real in reality with being a mere puppet in an online world that isn't even tangible. I want to feel your raw anguish over the conditions of this cruel world. I want to taste your bittersweet tears as you realize how beautiful this earth is despite the cruelty of the world. I want to to hear your laughter rip out of your heavy chest that is riddled with the anxieties of this world, and I want you to feel joy once again in that moment and I want you to breathe. I want you to make a crack in the dark dome you've been existed in, and I want you to revel in that little stream of fractured light.

All things grow with love
Plant the seed,
But it needs love to grow and flourish!

Colors dance through my mind
My heart is the artist
Spilling through the confines of reality
Because she knows
That seeing with the heart is more essential
Than seeing with the eyes

Flowers bloom in my tailored, skull encased reality
My senses light up as if on fire
My mind has trouble distinguishing reality from fantasy
I clench my hands
As if to anchor myself
But then I release,
Knowing that I must allow myself to be carried within the ambiguous sea

Hatred is heavy like lead
Weighing me down in my chest
And causing too much air in my mind
Rotations of thoughts
That illicit bitterness
I point my finger and scream “Phonies!”
At the world
But the world is also me,
Phony, eager to please

Some symphonies are composed by harmony and beauty,
Peace and integrity
But unsuspected symphonies of chaos, malice and disorder
Crash into the melodic symphony
And cause disharmony,
Sadness,
Confusion

Though, at times
I’ve fancied the idea of eradicating the chaotic symphony altogether,
I find more beauty
In entertaining both the sadness and joy in my life
Inviting both to my table
Because I can see beauty in the sadness
And I find also beauty in the joy.

You can’t always get what you want, they say
Daily grievances can burn a person’s resolve away
As the burdens increase
A person’s will can decrease
Leaving them faint and weary

The masses believe a little positivity can heal any rift
But recklessly imbibing positivity can make it difficult for reality and fantasy to sift
Reality can be draining, there’s no doubt
But you can’t live your life in a cloud.

This is a prayer
For those down on their knees
Begging a foreign God above
to bring an end to their unease
A prayer for those who turn to various vices
to temporarily lift the constant pain of a tortured life
I just want you to know
God sees your pain,
God sees your strife
But most importantly
Behind all the chaos
God sees you
and He loves you unconditionally

Maybe you don't know what real love is
Maybe your parents were cruel and neglectful
Maybe kids at school bullied you
Maybe you feel as if you have never fit in
No one ever loved you fully
Loved both your lovely aspects and your sins

But I can assure you
There is a God
Who takes an interest in you
Who cares for your every hidden hurt
that you hide away in shame
The world does not know how to love,
this is true
It is spilling over with hate
But see, God
He love you just for you
God always seeks out the goodness in our hearts
It doesn't matter how far gone you feel you are
You are always invited to be a son or daughter of God

Jesus died a brutal death
So that you wouldn't have to be in ******* to
the endless lies of this world
You can be set free by love, truth and peace
I invite you to experience God first hand
the way I have
I can't guarantee that people are going to love you the way you need to be loved,
But I can guarantee that God is a stable foundation
that can't be destroyed
Build your life upon the foundation of God
and revel in the joy that comes with being fully convinced that you are loved by the Creator of the universe.

You don't need anything else in this world but God,
trust me.

What is love?
Is it the outstretched hand of grace,
Helping those who are abandoned and in pain?
Is love the magnetic pull between lovers,
Enchanting both into a realm of splendor?
Or is it the inner calm,
That fills you while you witness God paint the sky
magnificent colors?
Is love the moments in which
The dam of your heart bursts open
Because life is so bittersweetly beautiful?
Surely,
I can't reckon which one is true,
But love must be true
Inherently
Maybe it's a mixture of mind and heart
That leads to the conclusion of love
For true love
Can neither be rash
Nor too cold
It must be balanced,
And directed by the Soul.

My mind was a dry well,
But it has rained
Finally
I feel my heartbeat
sustaining me
I'm so alive,
I almost can't believe it,
Everything is so beautiful,
I'm savoring it.

Sipping on honeysuckle stems,
Biting into ripe oranges
Juice travelling down my skin
Golden hues glittering in
The warm autumn sun

The sun is an orb of fire
Setting on the horizon
A treasure for you,
To store in your pocket,
Or your memory bank
To be played like a film,
Vaguely remembered,
Deeply felt
I splay my fingers out
Crossing both hands above my heart
I'm ready for this new start

Scarlet and jade tints
Wrapped like vines,
Glinting hints
A reality not yet realized,
A blurry photograph coming to form
You see through the looking glass,
My face is alarmed,
But you told me
I disarmed you,
Charmed you,
Torn down your pride and
Harmed you
You gave me your heart,
No questions
Beauty is a trick,
Love turned to hatred

Apricot skies,
Leaves flying high
Red, orange, green and blue
Whipping through the fog
Fuzzy images emerging from the storm
The intangible taking form,
Deeply breathing
Air so blue
I think I've felt a thousand rainfalls,
Crying through a storm,
Running through a big city,
Unnoticed, all alone
But coral sunsets
And honeysuckle air,
Are the remedy to the distress,
Bubbling just below my hair,
I've found a reason to love
Despite the pain,
I've found my reason to live again,
Grasping my purpose out of thin air.

When I was seventeen
On a summer day
Me and Sarah
Kayaked to the
Gratified brick wall
Across the beach
She had been there
A few days ago with her boyfriend
And I wanted to see it
For myself

A man
Out catching *****
Was a few yards away
We pulled our kayaks
Up onto the beach
And hid them behind some large rocks and trees

We made our way
Up a steep rocky hill
to the abandoned mansion
There was a gated moss covered pool
In front of the entrance
We made our way
Through a smashed window

Inside,
I gasped
The mansion
Was horrifyingly beautiful
Every inch of the opulent interior
Was defaced in graffiti
Names of the local high schools scrawled out across the peeling paint,
Names of young lovers conjoined by a plus sign

There was a colossal chandelier
Hanging in the massive living room
With walls that reached so high
Empty beer cans and glass liquor bottles
Littered the beautiful wood floors

Sarah and I
Opened the door
To the backyard
And were overcome by an unsettling feeling
As we saw trees
In two rows
On either side of a dirt path
our eyes tried to find an end to the path
But they only came upon
Darkness
On the farthest point our eyes could reach

The tress were old and twisted
I had never seen trees like that before,
Or ever again
So mangled
Yet they looked as if they were all pointing
To the dark distance
We heard the mansion give out a load groan
And we ran

We ran into the
A structure that
Looked like a little round open Greek temple
Situated on a cliff
Overlooking the sea
Sarah lit up her Marlboro red

We kayaked back to the beach
Regretting that Sarah yet again
Forgot her camera.

Faith is the struggle between not believing and believing again, over and over and over

You know,
You're never really gonna know
Just how brave you are,
You turn back
And see how far you've come
And yet you still doubt your worthiness

You've allowed people to hurt you for too long,
You walked around, boundary-less
Searching for a warm place to call your own

You stand out from any crowd,
Your heart pours out love,
You are joy embodied,
All the naysayers try to pull you down,
But don't let them!
They just can't bare to believe a person could actually be happy and purposeful in this world

You've been through some ****,
And yet you decided to not be an *******,
You decided to spread love instead
Give yourself a break for once,
You're doing great.

I can change
I assure myself
But doubt still dwells in me
Keeping me chained to old ways that are slowly eroding my joy
Fading colors until everything I see is covered in a film of grey
It’s so difficult to push against this
When the resistance comes from within me

But there’s a flickering flame
Igniting the hope that I can change for the better
That I can start caring for myself
Despite my upbringing of neglect
That I no longer have to be against myself
And disregard my needs
But slowly rise
In becoming stronger
By making incremental changes
Until one day, I tear through my chrysalis
To expose my wings.

This is what I want,
I want a love just like a fire
Profuse with passion and desire
I want a colorful, vibrant love
Granting me permission
To be beautiful,
Full of wild ambition
I need him
To embrace me like
A vine embraces a trellis,
Without choking me,
Or limiting me
I need to maintain my autonomy
I need sweet lips I can kiss,
That I will never grow tired of
I need a soul
To serve as my companion
For the endless adventures
I dream up
I need a rebel,
To push me past my limits
I need a nonconformist,
To **** the rules with me
I need a wild soul,
Just like me..

Let the pain fall down on you,
As you drown in your sadness,
Trying to make sense of this senseless world
Let the pain dissolve your very essence,
Teaching your soul the essential lessons,
On how to be human, how to be a blessing
To others around you who have to live through this stark world as well
The evil is pervasive,
Laced into everything
I shake and cower,
Expecting evil to target me,
Who am I?
Merely a vulnerable human being,
Just like you
What are we fighting for,
Why are we killing?
We call this mental illness,
But I think it's deeper than this
The world is in disarray
We evolutionize out cars and houses and gadgets,
But we live vapid lives
I want to love and laugh and be infinitely joyful,
Without foreboding
I want to be free from the chains of fear,
But how can I be free
In this fearful world?
We live in a beautiful planet
With such rampant violence
There is no more love
In people's hearts
What a brutiful experience,
To be human,
To be here,
On this gorgeous planet
Of chaos.

tunnels are like the transitory phases of your life
driving so fast, but everything seems to be in slow motion
in a surrealist painting
you're moving forward so quickly
but you still feel stationary
the lights pass you, one after the other
it seems like you will never again see the sun
all you can hear are the endless echoes that surround you,
all you can truly know
is the grey concrete that envelopes you
and the endless road ahead of you.

I run to the shore
I dance on the edge
My emotions are the white flecks
in a snow globe shaken
Aroused and beating
My heart is beating and big
Growing
ever growing
My roots are deep
And now my foliage will show
All that has healed in me
and everything that is yet to heal
Still
I stand still

I run to the waves
I ******* Brave
My courage
My love
I feel special
I feel a quiet gratitude
Gently pulsing within me.

Blowing bubbles through the straw
Of my chocolate milk
The bubbles are growing
bigger Bigger BIGGER
Spilling over now
From the rim
My parents are saying to stop it now
Stop it now
But I'm hypnotized now
Laughing through my nose
Bubbles bubbles bubbles!
Spilling over onto the checkered diner table
And the waitress just past by
While rolling her eyes
And my parents said "sorry sorry"
And they try to pull the straw from my mouth
But I bite their fingers and now my bubbles are mixed with blood
Streaming down the table
Onto the floor
A river of chocolate milk with some blood
Is formed
I go for a dive
And never resurface
Because in my imagination
I forget everything that is hurting.

Joy was a dream I once had
My happiness is fake and imbibed,
Well really, contrived
Because no one knows my secrets
And what if they ever slipped?
And everyone saw me,
Naked, like in dreams
In public, my shame unveiled,
Bare
For people to see
But I don’t want them to see
Because what if they hate the real me?

But these things I didn’t overthink when I was a child
But in adulthood we create narratives that represent us falsely to ourselves
Adopting the labels others have assigned to us
Threading them into the fabric of our identity

I wonder, how can I embody joy again?
I’m so **** tired, and scared, and bitter
And I’m worried that everyone will hate me,
Or even worse, nobody even cares
I guess in childhood I had more stability,
Everything didn’t seem so fleeting,
So cold, so dark, so lonely

I guess all I can rely on right now
Is the possibly irrational notion
That things will ultimately work out
That I may not find the light,
But I can learn to create it and sustain it within myself
A reassuring ember of warmth,
Guiding me into reimagining my childhood dream.

What I want to do?
Well, let me tell you
I want to sing with the bees
Taste the maple dripping down the trees
I want to take a thousand pictures
with old Kodak disposable cameras
And make crazy wild art
I want to write straight from my heart
And sing everyday
I want to learn how to play the acoustic guitar
And I want to get better at skateboarding
I want to go whitewater rafting
I want to laugh with friends
I want to travel, oh do I want to travel
This bright wide blue earth

Who do I want to be?
Well, let's see
I want to be kind and gentle
But only when the occasion calls for it
Otherwise
I will be loud but sentimental
Soaking in the vibrancy of life
And loving every moment of it
I want to be the embodiment of love,
but not perfection
I want to be messy, ******* up
and full of foibles
I want to be quirky
and own up to it
I want to be joyful and free
And that's really all there is to me.

It's been a long time since things have been quiet
I'm always on social media,
Playing music
With the t.v. on in the background
I fall asleep to Netflix episodes I never watch,
I just put them on to lull me to sleep
It's been a long time
Since I've stopped the constant chatter of electronics,
And just sat silently with the natural sounds
I suppose they scare me
I'm numbing with devices
Filling my mind with empty vices
Until I finally experience the silence
And my mind speaks out in violence
I want the quiet,
I need the quiet
But I can't stand what my mind is
When all the chatter isn't there.

It's not you against me, can't you see?
It's not blacks against whites,
Men against women,
Refugees against citizens
Religious against non-religious
Conservatives against liberals
Democrats against Republicans....
We're at war with our humanity

Oftentimes I catch myself thinking:
"I hate humans"
I can understand why I feel this way sometimes
Humans can be so cruel
I've been bullied, rejected, abandoned,
slandered, ignored,
left alone to fend for myself
I understand the deep reverberating pain
of our sick society,
I know from experience

I know what it feels like to be "othered,"
to be misunderstood
To be dealing with so much pain and
darkness
and have people shame you
for what you're going through

I've seen and known evil
I've seen it destroy those I love
I've witnessed it eat away slowly
at my own soul
during the times
I was blinded by darkness,
By my own sin
By my own insignificant suffering

And yet, I've been the perpetrator too
Shame overwhelms me
As I recount
When I was tyrannical,
unforgiving,
judgemental,
cruel,
self-righteous,
a gossiper,
a slanderer,
un-loving....
I can be a very idealistic person,
And talk all about
How we all have to love each other more
And REALLY follow Jesus,
like abandon our comfortable lifestyles
for the sake of the gospel,
And yet what am I doing?
When I spew these ideologies,
I'm thinking of how I would benefit if everyone
loved me more,
was there for me more....
I'm telling everyone to become the people
I think I need them to be for me
But what if what I'm telling everyone else to be for me
Is exactly what I have to be for myself?

the dancers
dance in unison
the sun is their pinnacle
they reach for it,
with arms outstretched
towards a sky painted magnificent hues
of orangey blues and bold violets

my mind follows them
dreams of them
my heart yearns for them
I see the dancers in my mind
they're siphoning my time,
my energy,
all my other desires runs dry
I lay restless in my bed,
as elaborate dancing plays in my mind's eye

I drift off into slumber finally,
when I can no longer fend off sleep
I find myself in a dance studio
twirling wildly
hands raised in reverence
for life itself
I stop abruptly
and step up to the mirror
I make eye contact with myself
time seems to stop
it feels like these moments
of solitude
are when I'm most alive,
most known,
understood,
cherished,
seen.

I walk over to the large window
overlooking the city
storm clouds have formed
people go about their business
down below
they look like little ants
frantically on the go.
I press my cheek to the glass
and close my eyes
what a delight it is,
to find safety within the
interior of my mind.

The day I said **** it
To what everyone thinks
I can't control their perceptions anyway!

It takes time to grow
It takes time to develop
It takes time to know
You need creases in your face,
laugh lines, dark circles, wrinkles on your forehead
To understand
and to become everything you need to be
There is no need to rush the germination of your soul
You're just gonna have to give yourself time to grow
And sometimes growth comes slow
But that's okay
You don't have to run away
From everything that ties you down and causes you pain
You can become okay with the dissarray
And just look out your window,
wherever you are
Look at how the sun is so faithful
It rises every new morning
Just continue to rise everyday
with the sun
and in due time
You will get there, wherever that is
And you will become who you need to be
And you will breathe,
you will laugh
You will see
how the hardships made you stronger and kinder
Just wait and see,
You will grow dear,
You will grow so tall and magnificently
But as for now,
Put a seed of love in your heart
And tend to it gently
For love is more important than growth,
You must love yourself and be love to others
Whoever you are, wherever you are.

Have you ever felt alone
In a world so vast?
Have you ever felt different
As you look on at everyone else?
Because I think a lot of us feel this way,
Like foreigners in an unknown land,
Or a round peg in a square hole
Looking for community
In which we can be fully unveiled
And fully seen
Because it’s when we’re stripped of all our masks
That the heart has room to heal

But we are conditioned to hide our vulnerability
And instead wear practiced smiles to conceal our deep down fears
Maybe this is because many of us were raised by unsafe people
Who failed to hold space for our tenderness as children
And instead taught us to armor up
And always be in a state of protection

It’s true, it may take time to find the people you can be “you” with,
Without conformity and performance
Your people will be those who accept you for the simple you—
Without assessing your accomplishments, background, or identity
In order to fit you into some social hierarchy
And they’ll listen to you with an open heart
And you’ll feel understood for the first time in a long time

But your people starts with you,
My people starts with me,
Our people starts with us
Though there are many who currently prove themselves as unsafe to have our tenderness shared with,
Boundaries are essential
But for those who have gained and maintained our trust—
We can open our gates and share the truth of who we are!

But even if right now, you can’t find anyone who is safe to be yourself with,
Take time to cultivate this beautiful bond within yourself
Allow both your vulnerability and your strength to be fully expressed
And as you allow the full spectrum of who you are to be expressed, unaltered and unabashed,
You will witness the gradual blossoming of yourself.