Should I procrastinate now?
I really don't know how,
Time to procrastinate later,
Time is our life manipulator,
Yes, I'll write this now out-of-dater,
Plenty of time to procrastinate later.

In the shadow of the great oak tree
In a place not for you and me
Found only with great luck
Lived Riley the river duck

You see Riley was frumpy
And oh so grumpy
How she was, was how she preferred
To the point that it was absurd

None of the other animals seemed to care
That she was always holed up in there
Wallowing in a puddle, her thoughts in a muddle
And her dress, in such a mess

On one brilliant summer day
With the sun shining so bright and gay
You see she always thought that she had such rotten luck
For Riley yet again was stuck

For what pickle is so fickle
To make that duck, stuck
What thought so meek
To make this situation so dire and bleak

While all the other animals were outside playing
Riley was inside praying
That she could come out
But the problem was that she was filled with doubt

One morning was particularly glorious
And Riley was oh so furious
That she dropped all her doubt
And she tried for the first time to come out

She stepped out and ruffled her feathers
The power of the sun severing imaginary tethers
And a smile spread across her face  
For she realised how beautiful was this place

For now that she finally stepped out
Of her excuses and self doubt
All the animals greeted her with such zeal
She realised that this must be how it is to finally feel

Now a few days later
According to the official dater
She wasn’t grumpy, she wasn’t dire and she wasn’t a bore
Riley wasn’t frumpy any more

Everyone around her loved her, they couldn’t get enough
For what a special duck she was, being holed up had made her tough
Now Riley had finally learnt to be happy and be free
And there began the jovial tale of Riley of the Great Oak Tree

"Don’t meet anyone offline”* I say “They're all weirdos”
Though I’ve been a serial dater and frequent Tinderer for some time.
I couldn’t tell you the number of lips mine have pushed up against.
Nor could I tell you the names of the people they were attached too.

There’s been nice guys and bad boys and girlie girls and “show me your *** toys?”
There have been casual hook ups and dates, movie nights and lets be mates.
There have been people who have felt more at home in my skin than I do
There has been a little bit of everything, and a whole lot of nothing at all!

This isn't a poem, this is written from the heart of a hurting girl...

I am that girl, the pure title, and definition of fearing commitment. The funny thing, it’s the farthest thing I ever want to be.

Deep down I see marriage, 2.5 kids, white picket fences, and all the dogs you’ll let me have. Oh yes, it’s a beautiful future there, yet my so-called “relationships” last maybe a few months, because you throw words out there like love, and moving in together, being my rock and everything I long for. Yeah, I might say those words back, I may play along with what our wedding will look like, and that gorgeous ring that adds a beautiful symbol of commitment on my scrawny little finger and its beautiful because deeply that is what my poor beaten-up heart is yearning for. But instead, those feelings of bliss I so wistfully yearn for are replaced with panic and pure distaste for wanting stick it out and stay by your side.

So, what do I do? I run. I am the star of “Runaway from Stability”. Why? If you could answer that for me and fix me, you would probably be a millionaire and sell lots of books on it. And speaking of books, my shelves are littered with self-help books that only exist to make you think that I read them, but I don’t… I collect literature that fuels my fantasy that there is nothing wrong with me.

I can dig deep down and do the years of therapy for you and blame my father that never wanted me in his life, who constantly let me down... I can blame the fact I am a serial dater due to walking away time and time again... I can blame my mother, who by the way shares the same fear I do, and you could say the apple falls right next to the **** tree. (Love you so much, mom)... You could blame the men (more like “boys”) that promised me the world and broke my heart after all I saw was them in my future.

Yeah, sure the list goes on with who I could “blame”. But the problem still exists that I can’t change, I can’t get attached, I can’t get hurt. Yeah yeah yeah…. Can’t means you won’t, but maybe that is it. Maybe I won’t budge. Maybe I absolutely won't stick it out despite all the right words I know I need to consistently hear.

And you come along, you’re sweet, you’re understanding, you’re that list my best friend told me to make of qualities we've all made throughout our lives after each heartbreak, after each "I am done dating" of qualifications a man must have before you date them.

And you know what?... I like you... So much, I could even say every ounce of me has fallen for you. But that my inner fear comes up like ***** and that's it! There is no chance holding it down…

I don’t think I can ever be the girl with hearts in her eyes that doodles your name all over my notes at work. No, I won’t be… I used to be that girl that was lovesick with an unrealistic crush on someone.

That little girl won’t come back. I miss her, but she’s not there...

Yeah, I am sure you’ve Googled all the articles that tell you how to deal with a “Commitment Phobic Girlfriend” and yeah, I’ve read them too which spiral my mind out of control how to fix myself. My friends all say the same thing, “You’ve got to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else Bri!” ---insert eye roll--- So far that’s all I got because this really doesn’t make me happy, and maybe that’s it?

Life keeps crumpling me up and spitting me out and I deem myself a pool of chaos, that I am not really wanted if people knew the truth of how broken I am inside, how much I don’t respect myself anymore because of my commitment-phobia-self-proclaimed-title…

I don’t know why I chose to write this article, maybe because I am not the only one? A cry for help? The attention YOU THINK I am wanting... Ha, no...

At least I can hope I am not the only one who struggles with this battle, and I am sure I am not... But why? Why is it that way?

(Heck, maybe a therapist wouldn’t be a bad idea at this point. YAY! Progress! ---insert another eye roll---)

I do know this, despite everything, I have learned the true meaning of love, (Crazy right?!) Because some of you I have run away from, love me, and always will... You've shown it, you've proven it even. And yet STILL, I believe in my heart I am truly unlovable.

To my friends who know the phobia, the constant relationship hopping, you all love me still, and that's hard for me to wrap my head around. You all are my rock, I love you all so very much. And thank you, thank you for not giving up on me in my train-wreck of a life because I could never do this without you.

It matters not what browser you may use
If you believe they aren't watching you
Doesn't matter cooking to come what may
Your dater is collected by them its true

Choosing a private browser almost a joke
All you do and search goes on their file
Just more human controll getting worse
As time does by for all birth to hurse

There are ways to tell what they all do
With any sense tape up your camera too
All they are doing is really a crime in time
As they collect and assume as they all do

But there are ways to bore them all crazy
Computer stalkers most brain dead lazy
All the main places from google to facebook
Would be  full of unhappy marriages hazy

So rest assure whatever you do its true
Most of then would love to as well do it too
But for them its a job they need to get a life
Collect this you twit might make your day true

https://i.pinimg.com/236x/88/b3/a7/88b3a75f94781d04b0830855f599457f--stalker-quotes-positive-inspira­tion.jpg

terrence michael sutton
copyright  2018

They say an hourglass is a shape
Bend time break the glass seal it off with fate
In the Spirit sitting crossed in vape
No loss no mistake take one take
What’s your going rate jake
He runs it even if I’m sitting glad you asked pape
Brash faint asking why they act like they can’t pray
Wisdom pre-dater because of Him can’t act prey
Learned a lesson is a past phase
The Word is the only pass phrase