my feet quickly began to meld into the
rubber grips on the stairs descending (into hell, I promise)
and wasn't I supposed to ask him something?
or wait, maybe I was supposed to ask yesterday.
what if I see someone I know?
ohnonono don't look at him
don't-
yeah, yeah, I'm perfectly fine but if you don't mind,
I need to get this test done (so I can go home, but I don't say that)
there's a sword fight going on in my spine,
and a boxing match in my head.
somehow my tears manage to stay
on the bridge of my lips,
staying off of the paper
that will judge me.
and then I wipe them with
ever graying hands, hands that shake
as I pass him the booklet,
and hands that turn the doorknob
releasing me and flushing out
all the panic.

r.c.

something drew you to me
as something drew me to you
an invisible thread
that i was afraid was too thin
to hold us together,
to keep you where i wanted you
so i cut it myself (like i used to cut my shell)
and i didn't know that
the rope was actually wire
and cutting it made it go slack,
and it hit me
r i g h t i n m y c h e s t
but i still loved you,
i loved you as i bled,
i loved you on my knees.
i loved you while you grabbed me by the waist
and kissed away the tears
saying 'hush now, butterfly, it's all okay'
but i didn't die, no.
i ended up in the ICU,
where I (had to) see you.
And then you admitted
you were into me,
but not like that (?)

r.c.

I wonder if
you're noticing me cringing because your voice
no longer soothes me into a state of serenity,
instead it manages to make my hands shake
and my head hurt.
And if you can see my hands shaking,
do I need to sit on them?
Because something about the days a h e a d
are twisting up my i n s i d e s.
And I'm at war with insanity,
I've lost my mind and any ounce of me that cared.
If you notice my frantic state,
how come you haven't asked me if I'm okay
like you usually do, and how come you
won't center me, pull me out of the tide,
because you're strong and I,
I am turning inside out, completely and utterly
broken.
My bones are where my skin should be, my hair
is blood, and I am made of skin and senses.
Except that I am numb,
so maybe I am blind, and deaf, and dead.
please, center me because I am off balance,
and I have fallen, and the world is tilted.
center me (please) because you're the center of my world.

r.c.

People told me you were a smoker-
nothing but trouble,
and that you were left overs
from girls who had left because they were
scared
I didn't listen, I just wanted to kiss
away the nicotine, I got withdrawls without
being addicted, and our lips never met
because I kept shoving you away,
you kept reaching for the skin under my 
'Fall Out Boy' t-shirt 
And you told me that I made you hot,
and I just giggled and said you didn't
need me, you were the hottest guy I had ever seen
but I knew what you meant,
I could feel the desire on your breath
against my neck

you took me to a concert
with the music blaring in my ears, I could
barely hear what you said but I could see
the way your eyes moved and the way that my heart started to sink
when our eyes met
so our sweaty bodies pressed against eachother in time to the music
and I laughed when you sang those songs about love and heartbreak
staring at me, because I didn't realize (I never realized)
that I meant that much to you 
(I thought it was always a joke, the way you needed me. I didn't
understand that the music spoke to you about me)

I asked you, still wearing the t-shirt (much to your dismay)
which Fall Out Boy song
could be ours, and as you stared
at the anchor (I asked you to lift your eyes but you wouldn't)
you chose Alone Together, or 
was it The Phoenix, I couldn't remember,
but you said I was your phoenix,
and I laughed and compared you to Albus Dumbledore,
but inside I wasn't laughing, because there was
fiery desire in your finger tips,
and I wondered if I really would burst into flames
(or tears, but either way, would I come back to life?)
But I thought it was the coolest thing
that you thought I was **** (like Finn said to Rachel during their
prom king and queen dance)

but inside I stared at you the same way
watching my heart slowly crack because I was never as desirable
as pretty as she could be.
you deserved to be with somone like her,
someone who's body fits perfectly into yours
who would fit right into a magazine photoshoot right beside you
while I took the photographs of the perfect couple..
I put on my best clothes and dressed up hoping to look like sleeping beauty to you 
but you laughed at me and asked why I looked so fancy
we were only watching Peter Pan, like we did every friday
(and I was Tinkerbell, because you were too blinded by someone else 
to see me)

I remember that I asked you, on a Wednesday 
(you pointed out my bracelet and told me it was **** Day,
and winked, and I shuddered inwardly)
why you left the last girl-
and you said because she was a princess
and I was a queen,
and I laughed and threw my arms around your neck
and we kissed and I tasted nicotine, your hands were cold
against my neck.
That was it. That was my wake up call.
I was nothing but a body to you,
my chest and rear were big,
larger than most,
so I shoved you away again, and then turned on my heel,
and said 'you are my ashes, and I have risen out of you',
and then I was gone on my Phoenix Wings.
But that was not the end of it,
because then I visited her, your ex,
and I told her what happened, and let myself cry a little,
and the two of us watched Peter Pan,
and I made a friend, because we had both dated Captain Hook.

You said good morning, beautiful, how did you sleep?
You made too many promises you just couldn't keep.
You said "You'll be okay, just maybe not today"
That was just what I wanted you to say
I fought to keep you out
But you were too strong
I let down my walls
**** was I wrong

My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon



And when you touched my skin, I could feel the future
I could see the past, and I could feel her
I asked "Do I have your heart"
Or will your pretty ex-girlfriend tear us apart?

Of course you said- 'I love you, baby, we'll last forever'.
And I felt like every day was the first day, the first time you said you loved me
Until the past pulled you away


My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon


We were both scarred and reeling from the fall
But then you went and ended it all
“I’m good for you but you’re not good for me”
All the lies and the secrets- why couldn’t I see?

We met in the rain, we were both in pain,
and I said 'I think you're saving me',
you said 'I can set you free'

My hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon


I’m dancing around the words I should be saying
I’m holding in the breaths I should be taking
Why can’t you wake up?
Why can’t you see?
Just what you’re doing to me?

Everything was desperation, this love was pain's creation,
so we should have known that it would hurt
because in the fire of everything bad, we met and I pretended you were my safety net
we both got burned, I should have learned
not to trust anyone with such a pathetic lust

Because my hips were meant for your lips
Your words were the holy water I sipped
My scars are there because of you
So I guess you won't be kissing them anytime soon
No, you won't be kissing them anytime soon.

Some nights I can't close my eyes without
seeing everything I feared,
feeling every horrible thing
(every horrible thing, every horrible thing ever)
and I just stare at the ceiling, imagining stars
where our names were written

we carved our names into a tree as well as the stars
we tried to be like the movies, and in a way,
it was even better than the movies
but I can still remember the feel of your lips against
mine as I stare up at that ceiling and wish
I could feel the way your body moves again,
just one more time to say goodbye
to the way you felt.

Some nights I look up at the real stars,
where my dreams lay,
and on the heels of my bare feet (the grass is cool, and keeps my raging fever from
growing to the size of the sky)
and I wonder if you're somewhere
looking up at them too,
and if the moonlight is kissing your lips as I once did
but I do not miss you, because after a while,
the strength drained out of us, and we were only met
at the lips, and never eye to eye

when I first met you, I first noticed your eyes.
that's why it was so hard when we never met eye to eye anymore
your eyes shone out in the darkness I walked in
and I knew that I had to have you near me.
you must've thought the same thing because you never
let go of me until we both realized that it was over,
that we would be stuck looking up at the sky
with a telescope of feelings,
wanting the way our eyes first met back.

but it wouldn't happen,
so I've chosen to pretend that,
like our love,
the stars have burned out.
its over.

i am sorry-

because my butterflies flew away

because i wilted

and no amount of care could bring me back,

away from my silver sliver.