love* is what is wanted
pain is what we get
fear is never spoken
lies are
Love, pain, fear and lies
are what I always am to find
you tell me one thing
and do another
please don't hurt me anymore
I wish you would stay here or leave for sure
you know that coming back and forth
will only hurt me more
Say your goodbyes
don't let this be another lie
for I cannot say no to you
I am weak and you no this
I am not the girl who can turn away
from one she loves
I wish, I pray
I was a different kind
so I can say
go, please just leave
just leave

The radio is on and my mind is on,
the switch was broken, I can't
turn it
off,
all I can do is shut my eyes
no that makes it worse..
maybe I'll sleep, but you're there too you *******!
Goodnight

r.c.

Wasn't this about the time yesterday that I was stuck
over the toilet, afraid I would throw up, because I was ill

but this morning my stomach hurts because I'm crying too hard

it's 2 am and I can't breathe I can't sleep why am I remembering this with tears

2 am and my stomach still hurts but my thighs and hips are dry.

r.c.

Toss me into the ocean (my boat already capsized, then turtled. ****, what a summer.)

Aim a gun at my head (once, there was a guy who robbed some store with an unidentified weapon, and he lived on our street, and hid in my yard, and men with guns were everywhere looking for him.)

Run your knife down my skin (I'm a recovering cutter.)

Take the people I love away from me ( SIX MONTHS OLD AND HE'S DEAD)

Break a promise (he never came back; he never visited)

Drug me (they tossed pills at me to make me numb, make me happy, keep me sane)

Cram me into the confines of your basement (I layed perfectly still for about an hour to see if my brain was o.k.)

Bury me alive (when I was little my mom, and my brother, and me would horse around and I would end up under too many blankets and pillows and I couldn't breathe)

**** me (I almost did it myself.)

Do your worst- I've done mine.

r.c.

i do not know why i am
Such
a
broken
*****.

I cannot think of anything but my tomorrow and even
my yesterday, and how I ****** so much so I will again

I cannot hear you ask me if I'm okay, my heart beats in my ears, I am shaking so hard that I drop my juice and then
I
cry

if even for a moment I am sure of something, I'm sure an angel has touched me

I've got this much to do, and I say this as I
Stretch out my arms and you copy me except
You say you love me that big

but I do not believe you so I shut you out
because that is what I do
I am that little girl who can't stop writing dreams on my skin
or writing nightmares on my bones

I wrote '*****, ******, ******, *******, fatty, freak!' on my bones (and my bones are breaking) even though a few had never been spoken to me, but I
I could see them on lips that housed cigarettes
and maybe ***,
and possibly alcohol.
Lips that kissed pieces of bodies that should stay hidden
until we're older.

and all of these things, everything hurts and I'm doing everything
wrong

And I'm crying and I'm asleep because I'm anxious
I'm afraid

r.c.

I lost the ***** that held my world together
There is no finding it now
And yes, I looked between the cushions of the couch
I prepare to run because
Like water through a busted dam it is coming
Like the pain of a stubbed toe it arrives in a furious instant
That asks for select curse words to be shouted
But so unlike pain in my toe, it does not fade
My world comes crashing down
The clouds in the sky fall
As dust onto my outstretched fingertips
(They hope to catch a bit of my falling world)
The atmosphere caves in
The air pressure intensifies
Until it has wrapped me
In a straight-jacket and
I
Am  
Paralyzed
I Search for your comforting eyes as you
Distantly ask me if I am okay I’m not
Okay but I cannot
Open my mouth
For the words to say because
I cannot move an inch to save you
Let alone myself
I couldn’t even save a
Word document right now
I try to scream but  
I
Can’t
Speak
And my world is crashing down
The water from the busted dam
Hits me like a concrete wall
My useless straight-jacketed body
Is swept away  
The water washes away all emotion  
I
Can’t
Feel
The sound of my demise is so loud
In my ears
I cannot hear you any longer
I
Can’t
Hear
The lack of oxygen
In my brain
Turns off the light  
I cannot see the stars
I
Can’t
See
Water everywhere
World crashing down
I
Am
Drowning
My heart beats too
Fast
Fast
Fast
I don’t have enough air to
Last
Last
Last
World
Crashing
Down
I
Can’t
Move
Can’t
Speak
Nor
Feel
Hear
See,
I
(Gasp)
Can’t
(Gasp)
Breathe.